Wednesday Diatribes of Randomness, 3.0:

Who knew socks could leave such indentations in your skin? Perhaps I need to investigate these socks for post-skin traumatic syndrome because of the markings and patterns embedded in my leg is ridiculous. What kind of socks are these you ask? I don’t know, I happen to find them in my miscellaneous clothing pile that I haven’t exactly went through to see if I still desired after I graduated last May, said f* off to friends and family and hightailed it to North Carolina mightily quickly (with the haste, with the haste). Plus, I ran out of socks today, and because I also was running out of cleans bras (it’s hard when you have limited bras but big boobs), I forced myself to wake up at 7:00am to go wash at the dorm laundry room. I have to admit, it was mighty quiet and there were actually washers and dryers available. Go figure! On another side note, I ran out of water in my 1 liter water I had been chugging on lately and decided to break down and return to drinking the water from the school fountain. Now normally I have no problems with this, but earlier this month, they sent out a notice to the school e-mail basically saying that the local drinking treatment plant in the town was switching the disinfection processes used (with chloramines I believe) to using straight up chlorine for reasons about meeting certain drinking water standards and stuff.. and believe me, since this is the first time for me to use the drinking fountain since the switch, you can taste that wonderful chlorine after-taste (tastes like vodka, not really, disregard the taste like vodka, I might be drinking vodka when I go home to disinfect the chlorine taste in my mouth though). But hey, water is water (until I come down with something but I digress) and cannot complain because for the most part the water is relatively ok to drink. Besides, I am trying to cut down on the real money guzzler habit of buying water bottles. Now that’s a waste of money if there ever was one. At least I try to buy cheap store brand water every time to get by.
There is a fridge in my research lab office that I believe the lab manager turned off or it stopped working or something last semester. Now I haven’t opened it this semester, but the last time I opened it, I think rainbow colored mold and bacteria had began to manifest itself because of certain leftovers and leaked water still present. Of course if I want to do a random experiment before May to test to see what random spontaneous combustible situations could occur between the opened and at this point repugnant refrigerator and common chemicals and gases that are always present in the lab. Now that’s research I could get behind 110%. Hey at least that would be more research I would have conducted in that 1 hour experiment than what I have done since I have been here (and that has been last August, and yet I am due to be out here next May with intentions of defending next semester-go figure).
Today, one of my classmate’s in one of my classes made a continuing effort to talk to me and get a feel about how I really feel about being at this school. And I have to say, she has been the first student (in the actual classes that I take) who has made the effort to try to get to know me since I have been here. Wow, amazing (Note: I have met people and gotten to know people a lot more this semester than what I did last semester. The only thing is they are not in my department let alone in the school that my department is apart of). Man I miss the concept of being at a school that is hardcore engineering. I never thought I would miss it so. I guess the old adage you never know what you got until it’s gone is in some sense reversibly so true. Go figure.
I am on another news (in all its forms) strike this week. After Sunday into Monday, I really wasn’t looking forward to attempt number (I start to lose count here) of proposals by treasurer secretaries/economic “supposed” gurus about trying to dissolve toxic assets. I also was not looking forward to lack of journalism/real news reporting on the so called network news channels that claim to give you accurate or fair or balanced or whatever euphemisms they call it for highly opinionated shitty ass lack of research/depth that they try to pass as journalism nowadays. Damn, perhaps I should have been a journalist after all. I actually like to do research and go into the field. Must be weird as a 24 year old to itch for research as I do (but I wander off this paved rant that I am on).
For some reason, even though T-mobile has made its present felt finally in North Carolina, ( I moved out here when there was no such thing as T-mobile and dropped calls was the norm all summer) but apparently North Carolina is still allergic to T-mobile. ( I say this as I am trying to send a text to my favorite homegirl and even though I have 6 bars (highest number of bars on my phone) I can’t get even get the phone to send back out a text message.) Now I have been patient while T-mobile tries to set up shop here but I figured after at least 8 months that the signaling might be a wee bit better. Apparently not-this month I have to deal with more than usual dropped calls, no bars in the middle of conversation and the subsequent 5 minute hello, hello, hello, chants, and issues sending off text messages. (Note: text messages are my clutch, my go to, my bench player that I need to give me some instant offense since I have limited amount of minutes for the remaining of my cycle due to circumstances that was half-heartedly out of my control so that way I am still able to communicate with people). But I am off my wagon again-dangit. Ok so yeah and of course one may ask me why I am still with T-mobile. Well at the time I signed the renewal contract it was about 2 months before graduation, before I really knew what I would be doing or even where I might be going to grad school at, so now I am in an unfortunate committed relationship and I am stuck in it for another year. (Please let this year go by, fast, but productively fast though).
Well that’s enough for Wednesday diatribes for today. Break time is over me, and I am going back to barbecuing my soul, I mean studying for a midterm I have tomorrow that I really don’t know if I could be ready for. Awww, good times I tell ya, good times!
P.S. I have realized since I have given my creative and artsy side of randomness to all things technical for the last 5 years or so, my ability to write with basic verb-agreement has went out the window. Hopefully by me getting retrained in the art of writing for flow and creativity instead of prospectus reports, I will regain and relearn the subtle and intricate delicacies of the written word-Word.

The Coming out of Left Field Story for Today:

So for today I got some disturbing news, one of my relatives was getting divorced. Why significant? Because ever since I had been living on my own, meeking out an existence, I used to spend my holidays by myself on campus a lot. I told my relative, she couldn’t believe it that I had been doing it for that long, and insisted I come to stay with them for the holidays. This was around 2006 I think, give or take. But anyways, it took me a while to adjust their abode because they were like a family, you know, with the kids and 2 parents with careers that were actually together. See when I was growing up, on my mom’s side of the family (which raised me more or less), most of my aunts and uncles had already divorced at least once, with usually my cousins paying the prices for their sometimes irresponsible decisions (that they still pay for till this day). So when I would spend time my relatives that was married, it was like wow, you don’t’ see that happening everyday. And little by little, as I spent my holiday breaks and summer breaks and interludes between school at their house, I felt myself become attached, as if they were in a way, the parents I never had. Even though there were certain things I couldn’t’ feel myself belonging to in their family, overall I was relatively happy. Now of course I was not naïve and I knew they had their fair share of arguments and disagreements and what have you, but you know I figure hey that’s all apart of being married. Then there was this news today. When I was told this morning, I felt a bit of wind sail from me because last time my relative called last semester near my finals, he was telling me news that one of my cousins had been killed. So needless to say, I did not see this coming. I felt a bit sad (thanks to the wonderfully dreary weather of dark clouds and coldness that had been prevalent around here all day today) about it, as if they were my parents getting divorced and this was affecting me personally. I just wonder how their kids are going to handle it. Well they were reassuring me that I could still come home and stay but I don’t know, it just didn’t feel the same right off the bat, and I wasn’t going to go “home” till middle of May after my finals to get a touch up of good ole Houston.
But it made me realize, I think they were the last of maternal relatives that I knew of that had been a relatively stable marriage that was over 40. Well so much for that. And its amazing that out of my childhood friends I had, I never knew who my father was and he was deceased, a sister and brother father was deceased, one of the half-brothers father really didn’t come around to see his son and the other brother father was in the prison. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was considered the norm in the neighborhood, and the fact that we were being raised still relatively and recently good was a rarity.
Lately I had been questioning whether I would ever get married, given my current track rate of how my “dating” life and “relationship” life had been going. I sort of always had a bit of an apprehension of marriage, but it certainly did not mean I advocate shacking up with an implied common-law marriage. But regardless, its just one of those things to chalk up that marriage might be overrated, overstated or even understated in today’s world. At least I am friends with one young married couple I went to middle school with that’s starting out and they seem to be going really well. For the older crowd per se, I guess I have to lean on my close homegirls and homeboy whose folks I have met, almost met, and personally know to lean on to understand and witness what a good marriage still means in today’s world.

status messages

But on a lesser note today, since I refuse to get into this whole twitter phenomena, I still use Facebook statuses as my way (when I do create status messages) to relay how I am feeling at the moment. For a while now, I have realized the evils of posting all personal content about yourself on Facebook (and others too, i.e. Myspace), especially since companies were starting to use Facebook as a “pimping tool”, I mean a screening tool to take a look at potential candidates that they were really considering hiring. So for the most part, I took down the truthful stuff about myself and kept the basics. If you can’t get a 1% idea of who I am from my quotations, political views and religious views then perhaps one is the wrong business of trying to figure out the psyche and character of people. Not too long ago, I decided to do an update status which when a little something like this:

{redacted} is redefining her short, mid and long term goals as a result from events over the last couple of months...I will get to where I want to go...

When I wrote this, I was taking a mini-break from working on my current assignment to look into doctoral programs and what I wrote in my doctoral program and what research I want to engaged in. in a sense I was redefining what I wanted to do academically because I certainly have not felt (can you tell my the posts I have done?) I was getting mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically what I had so worked hard for (just to be able to get into graduate school in the first place). I have refrained (quite amazingly too) from expressing how I really feel because the choice of language may prove too colorful to some. I said what I wrote in my status message because one of the main things I have learned since the middle of my freshman year of college is that shit happens, life happens and how you bounce back from that depends on how you are able to adapt and pick yourself off the ground after being knocked down in the 12th round of a boxing match. I admit I used to be a very stubborn woman (I think it runs deeply in my family, at least on my mother’s side that I know of) who did not like to change too much. Some of it had to do with the fact that my life was changing so quickly and grief and shock and sadness was just coming from all angles all over the place and that is a pretty scary thing to deal with at the age of 19. So as I have gotten a little older and a little wiser, I have learned that I have to be able to be more fluid than ever, especially given the instability and unpredictability of what’s going on in the world today. So as I say this, I have always been pretty good setting and meeting short and mid-range goals. I believe I have taken steps up to this point to get myself in place to meet all of my long term goals. I am not quite there yet but I have learned that as I grow my goals and life and accomplishments that I set out to do will change as I live day to day. But I refuse to have any of my goals compromised as a result of what others tend to impose upon me; I just do NOT get down like that. So even though I have vented, vocalized, and expressed some pretty vicious statements of my current state as a graduate student, please realize that it was not a sign that I was giving up anytime soon. As a matter of fact I am more resolved than ever, I am just using this blog as one means to release outwardly how I feel inwardly that I work hard not to express too vocally around here. (I still need recommendations from certain folks here, ya know?)

One less radio commentary for me to depend upon:

Note: sorry if the grammar here and there sounds a bit more choppy than usual but I am going off of raw emotion and a can of wild cherry Pepsi.

I have been paying more attention to blogs more and more right around last summer when I was at my internship North Carolina because where I was working at for the summer; it just was not that popping at all. So for me to waste away the days and weekends, I started surfing the internet more than usual. As I did so, I had to find different ways at work to deal with the bit of the repetitive programming and planning I was engaged with day in and day out on the computer. One of the ways I began to deal with this was starting to listen to NPR more than usual, particularly this one program called News & Notes. News & Notes is a sub program on the big NPR scale that dealt with issues and perspectives from the black perspective. Issues they discussed since I have been listening to the show ranged in all kinds of issues from sports, entertainment, military, politics, musicians (the ones that you wouldn’t hear a lot on mainstream radio), health, etc. I found the show very informative and very soothing, particularly since I started in graduate school. Of course for as long as I remember, I have taken advantage of always listening to NPR because it was public radio and it was something different to listen to other than the usual so called network news. Well I said all that to say that News and Notes broadcasted its last show on Friday. I didn’t listen to News & Notes a lot this week because I was just busy all week. Today, as I work on this assignment I have been pretty much catching up with all the past shows up until its last week. When I first read on the NPR site that they were getting rid of the show due to budget constraints, all I could think of was “No surprise to get rid of certain kind of shows when there is always some kind of budget constraints”. The fact that there is no such program on broadcast radio available that offers different and cultural viewpoints than the status quo is quite disturbing in itself. And for those people who are using the line of the need of such programs because we live in a “post-racial era” needs to get real and take the sunshine glasses off their eyes and realize the kind of world that we live in. Just because of November 4, 2008 occurred did not mean that racism and prejudice was killed off in all of its forms, both subtle and glaringly as a lot of people would like to believe. If you believe that we do live in a "post-racial era", then I have beachfront property to sell you in Oklahoma. I mentioned in a previous post of how sad the state of listening to the news is becoming day in and day out. When you watch these so called network news channels you can’t tell anymore what is real news, people’s opinions, and generalizations based upon the commentary of everyone and their mama who is a blogger and somehow a self-proclaimed expert in all affairs that are news and political worthy. And I just heard the other day of more and more newspapers across American cities shutting down their printing presses because of their abysmal sales. Some are either shutting down their printing presses forever, are being forced to pimp themselves out to larger conglomerates, or forced to enter onto an online media of “printing and publishing” news which in my opinion is a horrible substitute of actual printed newspapers. I don’t when people begin to think that it was a bad idea to pay 50 cents to pick up a newspaper and read (and I mean READ) what was going on in their neighborhood, city, state, national and international fronts. Are citizens becoming such drones that they are turning over their mind to everyone else who sometimes does not have their best interests at heart? Such entities that are only concerned about getting all the dollars they can by spreading their non-stop bombardment of subliminal messages? Why-because as the O’Jays sing it, everything is done for the love of money. So don’t be surprised that as one’s soul is being sold down the river, question the way of life one is accustomed to going down the toilet. Choices one makes for not being informed and unwillingness in going to multiple sources to verify the so called “news” being fed day in and day out. Note: This is why I am checking out as of today watching any kind of news. I will tune in next week to only be recapped on what was mentioned the week I tuned out for. Go figure…

Sunday Wrap-up of randomness

That’s why I don’t feel enthusiastic about this group project because I feel as if I am not contributing any original ideas to the project. Write a portion of the paper that’s already been done already. What is my role? What I am contributing? What am I learning? Not a damn thing period. Hence the less than enthusiasm to do this assignment. But of course, I will suck it up, put my pride to the side and get it done. Even though this will make me feel even more bitter and insolent towards the department, the school, and just this area in general. I reread this horoscope about the in-depth analysis of a Scorpio, and I don’t know if its indicative of anything, but some of the dislikes I have towards my current situation is exactly how they described it about being the Scorpio. I am just trying hard to control the anger I have within inside me and not transform into the freaking hulk because that is how I feel of the road I am heading. And I am trying to remain patient and civilized as long and as much as possible but I don’t know how much longer I can remain patient around there. All I can do is now is start counting down until school is out and I can hatch my escape out of here. I really want to just take off to the Bahamas right about now. Oh yes, very dearly and very soon. I dropped M on the floor straight up earlier this week. I really thought it was the end for M and that I would have to start carrying my printer to the office with me to get stuff printed in color. (see previous post about who M is) I am just not ready to say goodbye to M even though M is just acting hardheaded day in and day out. In addition, my bracket is looking a bit better today. I had a few toss up games I was not sure about today that could have went either way on and I was 50-50 on calling those games. But other than that, I am about to get ready to trudge through another week. Aargh my cell phone just drives me crazy, there are times where i am ready to toss it out the window, it makes me frustrated but I am still under contract with t-mobile. Sighs...well i think the focus of my blogs this week is to talk about current event of things, as interpreted from watching and reading the news, the blogs, and listening to friends thoughts and opinions. Well that is all for now. Back to work.

First Day of Spring

Side note: So I waited to the last minute to fill out my NCAA bracket, and so far, I am 12-7. I picked the wrong upset yesterday, freaking Illinois, just shooting holes like Swiss cheese one side of my bracket. End side note:

So today was supposedly the first day of spring, except someone forgot to tell mother nature that because it certainly hasn't felt like that the last couple of days. At least it wasn't snowing here like it was up in NYC this morning. Now that would be just deflating. So right now on a Friday morning night (because I know how to certainly live it up), I am watching Blazing Saddles. I remember when I watched this movie in middle school with my uncle. I was just like wow at the hilariousness just displayed throughout the movie. For the most part I got understood the movie, but it wasn't until I watched it later on when I was older that I got nearly 98% of the undertones and subtleties used throughout the movie. But yeah, its one of my favorite movies all times. No matter how many times I watch this movie, it always makes me laugh every time. Too bad movies aren't made like this anymore. And being out here and watching the basic channel lineup available on campus, I sure do miss having TCM (Turner Classic Movies for the young folks out there) because there would never be an issue for me trying to find something to watch because there was always good movies to check out from all decades and all genres. I sure wish I could watch some Bogart, Stewart, Grant or Hepburn movies without commercials right now. I struggled to find something somewhat decent to watch around here on tv.
But I said all that to say its spring, time to clean out the winter way of living that had settled in for the last 3 months or so. I have so much crap to clean up, its crazy. But I love to clean when I want to procrastinate. Oh well, back to the movie now...

That pesky...

That pesky demon that has always affected me for as long as I can remember. Self-esteem issues. Its funny because people that know me would have no idea how I really felt about myself sometimes. I always come off as the wise-cracking, sarcastic asshole with a sense of humor that sometimes catches my friends off guard (because of my usual deliberation to not try to make the joke in the first place, it can be kind of uncanny at times). Or most people that meet me think I have this great confidence with self, but its crazy because when I am alone, reflecting about things (which I do alot), I am very self-conscious and critical of myself. But aren't we all? Perhaps. I just know that the main thing I am very conscious about is my weight. When I asked my friend today to guess my weight she guessed that I must be at 200 pounds. Now when she told me that, I was pretty stunned by her guess. Most of my friends have no idea or always guess wrong. (I weighed at the clinic today at 270). Last time I saw a couple of doctors just to get checked out, they made it a point to ask me what kind of foods I eat and how often I exercise. Which is pretty funny because I end up working out at least 3 times a week minimum and when I having my moments I hit the rec center here at school 6 times a week. And yet when I do that, I still feel I don't see results. But regardless, I have always been conscious about weight since I was in elementary school. It seem that I would somehow work out the lower body but never kept my upper body in control (i.e. love handles and gut). But needless to say, I used to fall in the habit for going for fad diets, starving diets, barely eating diets, then switch it up with exercising like crazy. The crazy part was I would start, but would never remain consistent with it, so I would eventually go back to my old eating habits. Now part of it when I was growing up, my folks basically bought foods that we could afford, which at times ranged from processed foods to fast foods. I don't blame them, they had to do what they had to do to try to feed me. I remember eating alot of fried foods, especially chicken and fish Fridays (aw man homemade quality fried fish). When I was in high school I managed to control my weight in one aspect because I was playing sports but in other aspects not so well because of what I ate and the error of my ways and not knowing that you shouldn't try to bulk up on the weights unless trained properly and you are going to be devoted to weight training. Needless to say, I would gain weight even though I had started to watch what I eat because my dumb ass lifting heavy weights (not no punk stuff mind you) so that by time I was getting ready for college, I pretty much stopped weight lifting and you can guess what all that muscle I bulked up on started to turn to. I was even teased one time in high school for being shaped like a linebacker ready to take someone out. So fast forward to college and the horrendous eating habits I engaged in and its no surprise that I added my freshman 15 and then some. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I decided to start get serious about my health lifestyle. So I started by trying to change drastically what I ate by eating more salads. Then I started to cut out fried foods in my life (no more Popeye's, Old Navy Seafood and so forth). Then I decided to stop eating pork (it was my Achilles's heel for the longest. And some steps in between. I am nowhere near where I want to weight or in my ideal dress size (currently 18, I want to get down to at least a 12). Now is that possible for my body physique to reach that type of goal? I learned that diets don't really work and that I have to change the way I eat slowly but surely. I think I am getting there but not quite yet. I have found it hard to totally and entirely give up on fast foods. Every once in awhile I will sprang for a burger, but usually my weakness is Chipotle burritos. ( I am trying to wean myself off that too). Then if I really don't have time to cook or have no groceries or expect a long night in the lab, I end up grabbing Chick-fil-a (which I presume is really no better than a burger joint). I have stopped eating pork, and starting to turn my inner self to give up beef (getting there). There a bunch of little things I am incorporating into my diet everyday (more fruits everyday, veggie omelets and turkey bacon for breakfast now), but I realize that I have to be patient with myself and fight through the urges and gnawings for going back to certain clutch foods that aren't good for me. Even though I hit up a rec center, I have been inconsistent for the past month once school projects started to kick in. I feel I don't have a productive workout day unless I do so for 2 hours on cardio equipment and arm benches. I have to find a way to do effective workouts when I am in my apartment or lab and when I can't get to the rec center. So you see, I have in place, even though moving at a snail's place to improve my health overall. I still get down when I look at myself in the mirror and examine closely my arms, my chin(s), and my gut, because I feel that it makes me unattractive and causes my mind to signal out to me why I have issues with dating (but I digress and diverge all at once). So till next time, I will continue on this path of better health slowly but surely.

Today's Reflection

Today’s Date: March 20, 2009 (Scorpio)

Today you’re concerned with a stable future. Your thoughts turn toward upgrading your house or car, or moving up a rung on your career ladder. It’s a great day for making plans related to these areas, because you’re practical yet ambitious. You’ll aim high, but not so high that, but not so high that you set unattainable goals. This balanced view of your life and abilities really helps in moving onward and upward.

Rating: 4 stars out of 5
Keywords: down-to-earth, controlled
Mood: privileged
So what got me reflecting, is I saw my daily horoscope on my t-zones phone and it caught my attention because kita bita was telling me that I really need to figure out what I do with my life right now, particularly after being mesmerized by listening and seeing live in the flesh political strategist Donna Brazille last night. It was cool and I really felt that my calling right now was not being in graduate school doing what I am doing. Don’t get me wrong, I love engineering, but I feel everyday that I am being pulled from that and more towards the things I actually enjoy doing-writing, politics, international affairs, and other stuff. (actual quote: but listening and seeing Donna Brazille in the flesh was so cool last night one of the best things I have seen in awhile makes me feel as if I am being pulled away from doing engineering stuff and going into politics and international affairs and stuff. And that I need to find a way/career that combines politics and environmental engineering). And that is what got me redoing my goals list. I write out goals that I want to accomplish, because there was a point that I did not think I was going to get there after my uncle died. I was lost, walking in a sticky and translucent cocoon for practically a year. So needless to say, I have made it a point to make some short, mid, and long-term goals and revise them as necessary. At this point, I feel I have been going to school forever, and there are days in which my brain just feels so drained and vapid. 5 years undergrad, 2 years for a master’s right now. I think after I receive this master’s, I am going to take a break and go find myself again momentarily. I always wanted to teach in some capacity, run a mentor/mentee program and also set up engineering and science camps for kids all ages to get them interested in the STEM fields. That is my long term goal that I want to accomplish. Everything else in between now and my long term goal is up for grabs. I have a friend who asked me to read through and edit her essay she was doing so she could join the peace corp. this has been weighing on my mind lately for me to commit to some stateside or international service for at least several years. I have been looking into working for the government but I am now starting to think about non-profit organizations, especially those related to education. Because if people have not realized, education is where it it has to start for so many young people, middle age and seniors. At the rate things are going, no matter your age, people are going back to school to learn new trades and skills because of the evaporation of many different jobs in the usual and dependable job sectors (i.e. retail, manufacturing, construction). My ultimate goal is to get my PhD, but I think that my time to pursue it is not now. I used to think when I was younger that the only important thing for me to do was to study all the time, in all subjects. Now don't get me wrong, I still care for scholarly subjects, but I just don't like at times being pigeonholed to always focus on one thing and one thing only because I just refuse to hold attention and be warped and tunneled visioned in one thing. (Even though I am stubborn by nature). So I have been looking, slowly but surely mind you, incorporating ways to combine my knowledge of engineering, passion for environmental issues, thirst for political scrapping and commentary, helping others, traveling and seeing the world and being exposed to many cultures in all just one fell swoop. Whooo, I know I just expended alot of energy for all those passions to integrate (and do not believe for once that is just an exhaustive list I have provided). And that is all I can do, because according to my horoscope for today, I aim high, but I am also practical and realistic. So my journey to figure out what randomness I will get into in the near future (particularly after I finish up my master's) I believe will be the biggest challenge and a test to see how I have to live life these past 5 years will get me through for the rest of my life. Stay tuned!

Music, music, music, where have you gone?

As I was finishing up my undergrad studies, I had to spend plenty of long nights in my computer lab (since that was the only time it seem I could be productive). One of the ways for me to stay alert during these late hours (other than countless and numerous Jack-n-Box runs) was to listen to music. Some of my fellow classmates had pretty extensive music collections loaded onto the lab computers and/or downloaded onto the computers and would play (whether I wanted to be subjected to their taste in music) loud in the computer lab. So on nights that I remembered to bring headphones, I would engage in hours of ear blasting and ear drum thumping of my kind of music (which happens to be a lot of different kinds of music). A friend of mine's tuned me onto the Pandora music channel which I found pretty cool. Before Pandora, I had to depend on yahoo music and their radio player but I became annoyed with yahoo music channel and gradually stopped listening to it. But on Pandora, you were able to create your own music stations and they played songs similar to the artists channel that you had created. Being the kind of person that I am, my station had all kinds of musical channels (jazz, classical, r&b, classic soul, alternative, rock, salsa, meringue, etc.) but it seemed that the only station I found myself listening to the most was classic soul (i.e. Marvin Gaye, Temptations, Stylistics, Dramatics, Aretha, Jackson 5, Martha Reeve and the Vandellas, O'Jays,Otis Redding, you name it) because these songs would make me feel good and focused. Mind you that I am only 24 years old, but I might as well have a musical tastes of people 40 and up. As I grew up in the mid 80s, I thought the music I heard was cool because I used to listen to the new wave and alternative and whatever synthesized beets were created and fused. My uncle had a diverse taste in music and it basically impacted and molded my musical styles. Of course I would listen to alot the artists of the times during the 80s and 90s but at least they were still churning out great music (cue in Jodeci, Boyz II Men, New Edition,112, Sade etc). But now it seems music is just full of crap that stinks worse than someone's dog who had nonstop diarrhea and halitosis. You know music is down the toilet when you have to get today's artists through American Idol. Now granted there are a few artists out there today in 2009 who know how to put out good music but they are so far few and in between. Why? Conspiracy (key in my conspiracy theory)to shove down young's people throats undeserving and highly unqualified "singers" to sell to today's youth that these are real artists, real singers, real rappers, real whatever else of the 21st century. Puh-lease. Its no coincidence when you listen to certain radio stations that cater to certain audiences (urban, youth etc) the frequency upon which you hear the same type of song, the same type of beat, the same type of track over and over all day long. After awhile, its start becoming dull and quite nauseating. And record companies wonder why no one wants to buy music anymore but instead engage in pirating and downloading illegal music. After my extensive CD collection was stolen during my junior year of college, I waited almost 4 years before I even began to think about rebuilding my music collection. And even as I have re bought music at about 65% of what I used to have, I have become downright fickle about what kind music I would actually pay for. Ask any of my friends, and they question the age of my soul because of my collection. At least I still have Youtube (when copyright blockages are not utilized) and Pandora radio. I hope that people of my generation and the generation coming up behind me that what you are fed day in and day out is not real music but systematic brainwashing; and if they happen to listen to music, even as late into the mid and end of the 90s and work their way backwards will they realize how much the music curve had declined tremendously. I still have hope that a music revolution will ensue soon in which the consumer demands better product, not for the sake of what they pay for, but for the sake of their ears (because god knows you are only given one pair to work with and need to make the most of through listening to music).

Something in the Spring Season

Other than the arrival of Daylights Saving Time, I actually enjoy the advent of spring. Not because of the thawing out from the cold weather, or the reappearance of leaves and flowers blossoming and blooming, but because the peak of the sports season is starting to pick up again. These spring summer events helps me to get through the summer of reruns and horrors of more invading reality tv shows. The NBA season is winding down and yet the arrival of the playoffs are coming. Will Boston repeat, will Kobe get his first non-Shaq ring, will a dark horse come out of nowhere? Then March Madness is starting to get ready to kick off. I love March Madness because any team has the chance to shock and just totally screw up the brackets. I should know, i have had quite bit brackets just trashed after week one. But that is what makes March Madness so great. As my late uncle used to say, any dog can have its day in the tournament. Then by April, my favorite, baseball (MLB) would be already to get going in high Every season i think to my self that it is the cubbies year and they somehow find a way to disappoint. But needless to say, its a sports fanatic dream come true, always a sporting event every weekend to get into...woohoo...i had a point to this story but its almost 2am and i am typing this with half my eyes only open...hmmmmm well til next time

Organizing Randomness, is that possible?

So I realize that I got to figure out what direction I want to take my blog now. I could careless if I had like 500 hits a day to check out my latest adventures in the world of dial R, but I do want to vent and release and discuss the myriad of things that interest me. But it seems thus far a lot of posts have been a lot about griping, I guess I need to do less griping and more griping about things not named dial R, but I guess that is apart of my whole negative and sarcastic demeanor. Luckily for me, I think, I don’t think I have poisoned my friends entirely who actually use to look on the brighter side of things about life (well then again, uh oh). But then again, I did name this blog Dial R for Randomness, its like the box of chocolate saying from Forest Gump. But I do want to talk about so much other stuff, the world, politics ( to a limited extent, politics actually annoys the hell out of me, even though I follow it like a junkie in need of a fix), news, traveling, cooking, music (which no one today seems to want to make good quality anymore), the opposite sex, and sports (oooh March Madness and baseball and basketball winding down and all things athletic, oh my). Lately though, it seems that I can only get motivated when a topic is just itching inside of me to say something about (in this case, several posts ago about what I felt about MLB and steroids). A good friend of mine at Purdue asked me the other day had I thought about becoming a journalist because of my writing and need for words to express how I feel. Hmmm, I thought about it, but I also want to be a wildlife photographer, a teacher, a mentor, engineer, environmentalist, lawyer and so many other things that I don’t think I can do in this lifetime (unless I want to be a career student for the rest of my life and not really mainly because I do have my moments in which I like to make money, mainly to pay off all debt and save). Well I digress, I guess I need to think about how to organize the randomness of chaotic thoughts that constantly flows through my mind. But until then, hmmm I think I am going to go take a nap and wake up early and start from scratch and pretend in my dream that I get the world’s greatest back massage for my aching back (oh where is a boy toy when I need one? Yeesh)

Aaarrrrrrgh and ba humbug all roll up in 1

Let me tell you how I really feel now at 12:50am. Just the fact that its 12:50am and daylight saving time has officially kicked off just makes me want to scream and hurl some rhino dung at the nitwits who continue to advocate for daylight saving time this time and age. All DST does for me now is take away a hour that I so desperately needed to pretend was still there even though it never really is while being a graduate student. Now with the return of the “daylight from hell” all I have to look forward to is to lose 2 hours that I didn’t realize was actually still apart of the 24 hour day. Somehow when I played basketball last week and was giving it my entire all, apparently my right knee did not appreciate my hustling up and down the court and since then I have been paying it by walking around like a block of wood stuck in my knee. Then when I finally got around to starting on my homework 2 assignment for my water resource class, I was working on the parts, doing the math and calculations, putting off using excel for graphical purposes, when I realized just 20 minutes ago that all the work I had computed for the last 3 days was entirely and completely and woefully ALL WRONG!!! And ladies and gentlemen, that is how graduate school goes for me, when I think I am taking 3 steps forward, I just took -5 (yes negative 5) steps back and then I am back to ground 0. What makes this worse is that this assignment is due today (Monday) and I just don’t see it happening since I have to start from the beginning and finish the next 8 parts to this problem, only me I tell you can make such draconian mistakes on homework assignments. I used to do this crap when I was an undergrad. Downright ridiculous how much backwards work and erasing I had to do. Last week, after my monthly affliction passed, right on schedule comes my wisdom teeth of horrors. Oh yes, every month, right after my monthly affliction, my wisdom teeth starts to hurt. First it starts off as a nagging soreness, but eventually the pain begins to throb and pulsate with a mind of its own in my gums and surrounding teeth until I am in agonizing pain with tears ready to stream out of my eyes. Usually if I can’t take the pain anymore, I try to soothe it with some ambesol (which makes my mouth feel like I had several injections of Novocain after being in the dentist chair) and if that doesn’t work, its onto popping Advil. Needless to say, this has a tendency to affect my mental state greatly and leaves me void of doing anything productive until the pain subsides. I said all this to say that its downright frustrating and aggravating for me, its like why me? I seem to have just bad luck at times, which is fine with me, I can deal with, but can I please schedule and plan the times that bad luck wants to come knock on my door? At least wait until I finish all major projects, assignments, and to-do list items. Thank you, that is all I ask for. But there is no use in crying, I mean all I can do is wake up, start anew, and just plow right along and pray that things will go right, or at least partly right at about 50% of the time today. Oh well, at least its suppose to be spring break for me this week, doesn’t seem like it all though.

Let It Snow

So after being stuck in the apartment over the weekend because of nonstop rain and leaving umbrella in car that is parked about 5 miles or so away from campus, late Sunday night the rain gave away to snow. And it has been snowing kinda nonstop since then. The snow is picking up again, falling pretty heavy and what little sun that managed to peep out of the clouds today has turned in for the day I believe. When I woke up this early, really early, before there was any light, the graduate apartments here on campus was literally white. I could not see the ground for anything. And giving how desperate I was to get out of the apartment, I decided to start treading through this stuff to make my way to my lab office. Of course the school for some reason didn't close school down even though everywhere else in the areas did so. So needless to say campus was dead. After catching a bus, realizing that there was nowhere here in (faculty or services wide), I decided to catch a bus, get off a few stops down and start walking through campus. Of course being the Texan that I am, I took pictures of campus buildings in general because despite my ambivalence and often leaning aversion to this school, the campus was quite a site to see under snow. This is like the second snow storm to hit this area since late January. So much for me thinking that they had mild winters here.
So for today, it was much more enjoyable for me to watch the snow fall outside my lab office instead of doing homework (or making a valiant effort to be frustrated, get mad, say f it, then get this epiphany later on right before the assignment is due, stay up all night to finish the assignment that will probably end up being about 60%-70% right, that goes the routine for me here in graduate school. And I think its only a whopping 30 degrees outside right now, and for once my lab office thermostat is not set in the 50s or 60s today. Yay! Well back to my regularly scheduled frustrations.

Look Out Now, This Post is a Doozy!

So I watched this movie tonight on lifetime television. And let me tell you, I usually don't watch movies, usually Reba and Still Standing during the week during my break, and so for the past couple of weeks or so they had been advertising like ridiculously their new movie called "America". I had my doubts, but I decided to check it out anyway tonight. And I actually have to say I actually enjoyed the movie. The gist of the movie is this biracial boy who ends up in the foster care system and gets lost,and went through some traumatic events in his young life, and the therapist at the foster care facility that he is sent to works with him to deal with and overcome his problems. (I enjoyed the movie so much that I am watching it again on Lifetime). In a way this movie made me realize a few things. First, that even though I perceive to have bad luck and rough patches, that I should be grateful to God and fate for allowing me to get where I am at today. Not a lot of young people at my age have been blessed to even finish high school, let alone go to college I have been able to. The movie made me realize also how grateful I am to have had a grandmother and uncle who cared so for me, who took care of me, who filled so many roles as best they could (i.e. mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle) with as few resources and limited funds that they could because by all rights, if it was not for their love and support and them taking care of me, I don't really know where I would be today. I used to think that I would end up in the foster care system because our house's condition wasn't exactly the best and I thought some stranger would call CPS or something and remove me from their care. Even with this, I would be at times more afraid to have to go with my mother. When I was younger, she was only able to visit at my grandmother's house. I used to remember she would try ways to get me to always come with her, come stay with her. I don't even know if she ever had a place to live at, but anyways, I remember how my grandmother and uncle use to tell me if she tries to make me go with her, to not go, to yell, to run away from her. She tried to drag me away when my grandmother was inside the house and we were outside. They used to watch her as a hawk when I was like a toddler and a young child whenever she came to visit me. She used to always give me $5 or $10 here, as if that was to suppose to makeup for her not being a mother. I have this one vivid memory in which I was like 3 or 4 years old, she somehow grabbed my hand, and me not knowing any better started walking with her. And I remember that we walked prolly for like 15, 20 minutes, across some train tracks. I think we were waiting to catch the metro bus to somewhere. Then I remember my uncle coming up on the train tracks in his brown pickup truck, and when she saw her brother coming our way, she literally ran away and my uncle grabbed me and brought me back home. Then after he brought me back, he got sick, because he was scared and worried for me terribly. Shortly after that, I remember he had to sit down on a couch because he wasn't feeling good. He ended up having a major heart attack. He got to the VA, and was there for like 2 or 3 months I think. I remember I went to go see him a couple of times when he was in the hospital. I remember vaguely that my birthday had came around too shortly. Its amazing when you are younger, there are just certain events that happens when you are really really young and it feels that when you think about those moments its still perfectly etched in your mind in vivid memory, as if it just happened yesterday, never mind if it had been 21 years and counting. Every time I see this Polaroid pic of me when I was like 4 years old or so on my birthday and it kind of reminds me of time when things were simpler and I didn't think there was alot wrong with the world. After awhile, I guess she realized that I never wanted to go with her and she left me alone, and after awhile she stopped coming to visit me, and after while I kinda just forgot about her. When I had found out that she had died from another one of my uncles, I just shrugged my shoulders.I didn't even bother to go to her funeral. I know it may seem wrong and everything, but I just did not have any love in my heart for her. Does that mean that there is something wrong with me? Later on as I got older, I was told that she was diagnosed with a mental illness (either bipolar or schizophrenia) and when I found that out, I used to worry alot (along with the many things else I used to worry myself about, I swear instead of acting like a 10 year old, I had the mindset and thought level of a 40 year old, and that's not a good thing, so I have been told by my friends) that I might end up being diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder. I mean I realized it prolly ran in the family, my uncle was severely depressed, had been after he came back from Vietnam. I was told that my mother had did drugs, even when she was pregnant with me. I was also told later on that they believe that she had been raped once and perhaps more than once in her lifetime. There is so many things about her that I have no clue about, or could understood when I was younger and may never understand. Don't even get me started about the guy who donated the sperm that ended up creating me.
But I said all of this to say that there are so many kids in the U.S. in foster care, its really sad and pathetic. And I feel most Americans feel that since they are damaged goods that hey its not my concern and to just wash my hands of it. It hits hard for me because of the possibilities and the chances that I could have easily ended up in the system. I have thought about before adopting kids and raising them and showing that it is possible for an adult to care and to love and to nurture; who wasn't a bad adult who had either other ulterior motives or only cared about getting a check. This is partially why I have a problem with critics who do not advocate a woman having and exercising the right to either have an abortion or not. Because the same critics who denounce a woman receiving the abortion, I don't see them jumping up and breaking down the doors eagerly with their arms wide open to adopt and to take care kids who ended up in the foster care system because of neglectful, irresponsible and just downright wretched parents who were more useless than a lump of coal. It sometimes gets my blood burning to even think about it. When I see that there is a guarantee of a child born into this world will be born to 2 loving parents (whether heterosexual or homosexual couples) and that every single child in the system won't ended up aging out of the system and there is no longer a need for it because there is no child left for foster care, can I really question the continuing need for abortions as an option.