That pesky...

That pesky demon that has always affected me for as long as I can remember. Self-esteem issues. Its funny because people that know me would have no idea how I really felt about myself sometimes. I always come off as the wise-cracking, sarcastic asshole with a sense of humor that sometimes catches my friends off guard (because of my usual deliberation to not try to make the joke in the first place, it can be kind of uncanny at times). Or most people that meet me think I have this great confidence with self, but its crazy because when I am alone, reflecting about things (which I do alot), I am very self-conscious and critical of myself. But aren't we all? Perhaps. I just know that the main thing I am very conscious about is my weight. When I asked my friend today to guess my weight she guessed that I must be at 200 pounds. Now when she told me that, I was pretty stunned by her guess. Most of my friends have no idea or always guess wrong. (I weighed at the clinic today at 270). Last time I saw a couple of doctors just to get checked out, they made it a point to ask me what kind of foods I eat and how often I exercise. Which is pretty funny because I end up working out at least 3 times a week minimum and when I having my moments I hit the rec center here at school 6 times a week. And yet when I do that, I still feel I don't see results. But regardless, I have always been conscious about weight since I was in elementary school. It seem that I would somehow work out the lower body but never kept my upper body in control (i.e. love handles and gut). But needless to say, I used to fall in the habit for going for fad diets, starving diets, barely eating diets, then switch it up with exercising like crazy. The crazy part was I would start, but would never remain consistent with it, so I would eventually go back to my old eating habits. Now part of it when I was growing up, my folks basically bought foods that we could afford, which at times ranged from processed foods to fast foods. I don't blame them, they had to do what they had to do to try to feed me. I remember eating alot of fried foods, especially chicken and fish Fridays (aw man homemade quality fried fish). When I was in high school I managed to control my weight in one aspect because I was playing sports but in other aspects not so well because of what I ate and the error of my ways and not knowing that you shouldn't try to bulk up on the weights unless trained properly and you are going to be devoted to weight training. Needless to say, I would gain weight even though I had started to watch what I eat because my dumb ass lifting heavy weights (not no punk stuff mind you) so that by time I was getting ready for college, I pretty much stopped weight lifting and you can guess what all that muscle I bulked up on started to turn to. I was even teased one time in high school for being shaped like a linebacker ready to take someone out. So fast forward to college and the horrendous eating habits I engaged in and its no surprise that I added my freshman 15 and then some. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I decided to start get serious about my health lifestyle. So I started by trying to change drastically what I ate by eating more salads. Then I started to cut out fried foods in my life (no more Popeye's, Old Navy Seafood and so forth). Then I decided to stop eating pork (it was my Achilles's heel for the longest. And some steps in between. I am nowhere near where I want to weight or in my ideal dress size (currently 18, I want to get down to at least a 12). Now is that possible for my body physique to reach that type of goal? I learned that diets don't really work and that I have to change the way I eat slowly but surely. I think I am getting there but not quite yet. I have found it hard to totally and entirely give up on fast foods. Every once in awhile I will sprang for a burger, but usually my weakness is Chipotle burritos. ( I am trying to wean myself off that too). Then if I really don't have time to cook or have no groceries or expect a long night in the lab, I end up grabbing Chick-fil-a (which I presume is really no better than a burger joint). I have stopped eating pork, and starting to turn my inner self to give up beef (getting there). There a bunch of little things I am incorporating into my diet everyday (more fruits everyday, veggie omelets and turkey bacon for breakfast now), but I realize that I have to be patient with myself and fight through the urges and gnawings for going back to certain clutch foods that aren't good for me. Even though I hit up a rec center, I have been inconsistent for the past month once school projects started to kick in. I feel I don't have a productive workout day unless I do so for 2 hours on cardio equipment and arm benches. I have to find a way to do effective workouts when I am in my apartment or lab and when I can't get to the rec center. So you see, I have in place, even though moving at a snail's place to improve my health overall. I still get down when I look at myself in the mirror and examine closely my arms, my chin(s), and my gut, because I feel that it makes me unattractive and causes my mind to signal out to me why I have issues with dating (but I digress and diverge all at once). So till next time, I will continue on this path of better health slowly but surely.