Who I am? (to be continued and just plain randomness)

Liquid golden dynamite, so cooler and lighter than the lightest flyest pillow. I walk around with this constant mask because I learned its better to be stoic than show your actual poker face. Seem to be evolving lately, and I used to think that wasn’t humanly possible. A bit antisocial but can be social when placed in settings of people more antisocial and negative than me (and that’s a lot). Lover of all things, and a certified nerd I like to think but not such that I am not cognizant of other issues and topics. I like to do my own thing at my own pace at my rate. I get antsy when I have to twiddle my fingers longer than 15 minutes during the day. I get agitated easier of people very disorganized and spread too thin. Some people can be great multi-taskers but its not meant for everyone, and when I am stuck with that person, I am totally annoyed from point on forward. By the way, I love to multi-task and I am damn good at it when I am focused to do so. Well that’s all for now, I will add more of the evolution of me as I go.

Music keeps me sane in the membrane

OH yes it does let me tell you. Being able to sing along and hum to my favorite kind of music (which happens to be a lot of different kinds of music) keeps me from (and I quote 90% of the time) throwing my computer out of the window or setting it on fire and adding chlorox to it-whether I am in the research lab, at the job, at the crib, or anywhere I am required to be around a computer to get work done (which feels like damn near all the time). So since I started working last week, my mini music collection (no where near the one I used to have) kept the time from stopping. But I do plan on starting to spend more time out on the floor though just to learn stuff and exercise ( but I save that for another day). Today was Marvin Gaye that kept me from screaming out physically when my documents I had been working on kept consistently crashing on me. Oh yes, no musician can be in a good mood in an instant (more instant than making ramen noodles) than Marvin can. 22 hours of the day could have been craptacular raised to the infinity power, but I put his music on, and its like the pain from the booboo on my knee melts away. And even when its not Marvin or anyone on my windows playlist or car CD list, I get a kick of listening to Pandora or any type of online music stations that lets you pick the music you like. 98% of the time I avoid commercial radio unless I am listening to NPR or ESPN sports or something. Commercial radio, just like the music industry of today, is full of this cacophony that I promise is causing the liquid in my ear to harden and shatter into a thousand pieces. Just plain terrible. I feel so sorry for the generation after me (i.e. read 90s and millennium kiddies) that think these current crop of “artists” are the best musicians in the business today and (gasps even ever). The tragedy. If there is one entity that needs to have acceleration to their ultimate demise, the music industry is ranked up there (up there with journalists of today, all politicians, and certain financial companies). I ked ked ked, naw not really, not at all…hehe…well my lunch hour is coming to a close, just as my blogging ways that I have been doing should too, and if I happen to be stuck at the computer for the afternoon for some reason, I think I will kick things off with the Temptations. Not bad eh? It would be Tears for Fears, but only if I can figure out to get access to Pandora while I am here.

Always traveling/being transient

I used to think that there must be some good that would come out of all the bad that happened my freshman year of college. One of those “good” I had contemplated about was this sense that since I was officially on my own with only so much to go by, that I would be ok with the notion that I would have to travel frequently and move around frequently. I figured I couldn’t really go back to my grandma’s house anymore, it was falling apart and it was where my uncle had died, so I didn’t want to deal with that. After I had to move out of my freshman dorm, I moved into this garage apartment like 5 minutes from campus. It was great at first with the roommate I had even though the place wasn’t really meant for 2 people. I don’t know what happened along the way but that roommate situation just kinda dissolved/down hill and I actually had a lot of pent up passive aggression that I displayed instead of letting my roommate feel my complete wrath. So I had to get up out of that fast. Next I moved all the way to the Westside of town, like 30 minutes from school give or take to this apartment that was relatively in my budget and figured that since it was such a great steal. Well as the saying goes, things were too good to be true which ultimately led to my car being placed on concrete blocks as someone(s) took all 4 tires and my rims from my car. At the time, I had the same old factory rim and factory wheels that I didn’t think anyone would ever want to steal. How wrong I was. Of course it was no coincidence that I was out of that apartment complex fast. At the same time, I had already decide to transfer schools and get out of the city to literally start over because that whole year to year and half experiment of going to the area college in a big city while still trying to do engineering and working often to get by on my own just wasn’t cutting it. Now during this period of transition to the school next to the cow patty fields as I liked to call it, I was forever going back and forward between the apartments, storage, and the dorms. Oh yes, I made that great return to the dorms, but at least the dorms were in the form of 2 and 4 bedroom apartments, which made living on campus so much easier. For the most part, the 1st year at said new school in dorm was cool, even with the whole 4 roommates situation, except for one of the roommates who had a loud, weed smoking, loud music, stealing other people’s food issues. At least I kept the majority of my food and kitchen items in my bedroom (mini-fridge yall). The next 2 years I was on campus, living was cool. The only time I had problems was when I had to move out for the summer. Yeah that part sucked, especially since I was the main one who had to pack and unpack all my stuff, up and down stairs usually, driving back and forward to Houston, and so on forth. Timing was always the issue, especially when I had research opportunities to arise. In between holidays, the first couple of Christmas holidays I was on campus by myself, pretty scary at times, even out in the country, then a few road trips to Dallas and Beaumont and Austin in between. Yadda, yadda, yadda, fast forward to graduate school, similar situations except I just have to move much more frequently and quickly, which sucks, because I am getting older and lazier, and I just don’t’ have the same enthusiasm to pack up all my world belongings to the top of my car and just get on the road, moving to a place I know I am only going to be there for either 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or a year. And let me tell you, its much harder to want to always want to move when money is always tight (when hasn’t money been tight for me?) that’s part of a reason I wrestle a lot lately do I really want to stay in school for another 3 to 5 years to obtain a pHD (and most likely not where I am at for grad school now, ya dig?) or do I just want to start working now, settle somewhere for at least 3 to 5 years before going back to school? But professionals I have met have been telling me once I start making the good money; I doubt that I would want to go back to living like a pauper just to get another degree. Eh, well that’s what this summer is suppose to be about, letting me coming to terms of where I want to be, where I am going and how I am going to get there by next May. But it seems at the rate I am motivated to even want to get out of the bed and come to work at this internship, I may not be making those where to next decisions anytime soon. And I remember a time I used to be so obstinate in what I want to do with my life, it would take a 2 by 4, a lighter, and gaseous fumes to get me to change courses when it had came past time to do so.

Long time No Hear

Yeah I realized my last entry was in April, and I had been doing well up to that point of getting in like 15 entries or so a month giving my schedule. But then that weekend of Easter I got this first homework assignment finally back which I suspected I did not do so well in and it may made me a bit reticent of starting the second part of the related homework. I was fully correct when I did receive it, but the fact that I had to start over the 1st homework assignment was pretty devastating to me. But I knuckled down and got to it, even though I had to cancel my Easter plans that I planned on 2 weeks ahead and I had to put everything on hold, including my spring break just to get those 2 assignments done. And of course by me putting everything on hold, I also ended up getting behind the equivalent of years in my other classes. This caused me to basically vacate any form of sleep, food, exercise, relaxation, combing thy hair, and any other everyday normal activities that I probably needed to continue to do for the next month and half or so. And even though I did this I have to say I am grateful because I passed all my classes pretty darn well. I guess all that sacrifice of living and substituting for a ghost really did paid off. But the only thing about that is, then I had to hurry up and turn around and get ready for my internship that I have up in the northeast. And so that brought in for May the non-stop driving escapades. Being cheap, time-strapped and partially lazy, I forgo actually trying to get a plane ticket back to Texas and instead chose to drive it, because I knew it would be cheaper and I figured if I could drive 19 hours straight to come home for Christmas I could certainly do it again. And again I did. So drove home back to Texas, this time it took 20 hours, (I was a bit tired than I thought I was this time around). Before I left, I had (and I thought at the time, packed about 60% of my dorm apartment). Got back to Texas, drove around like crazy for a week and a half seeing old friends, family, associates, and wannabes, and then when it felt like I really didn’t want to leave Texas, I had to turn around, drive back to North Carolina, pack the rest of my stuff to the roof of the car, drove to D.C., then picked up a friend at Baltimore who helped me drive the rest of the way all the way up to Connecticut. Got lost before we eventually found the apartment, and all of this in a 3 day span over Memorial Day Weekend. I never thought I would hate driving but I do now-terribly. And add on to that I have to drive approximately 20 miles or so to and from work everyday, yeah, makes me a grumpy pal. So yeah I am now up in the northeast for a summer internship and just going eh about it so far. I think part of it is I am really really tired and a see-saw full of motivation, apathy, and just downright blahness. Combined all this with the fact that I am blogging now even though I am work, but it seems the only thing I can do without causing my work computer to crash. Yeah my work computer hates me, I thinks it out to personally sabotage me after my private and not so private conversations about how computers are evil and are out to destroy the world. Go figure.

Just one more note

Ok, so just one more note, brief(and that doesn't happen often) about the events in the news that have transpired the past week. What's really going on? People are just going off their knockers for all kinds of dumbness and nonsense (and when I say dumbness and nonsense, yeah I am talking about tea parties. Oh yes, I am. Because when I see and hear the people who are on the tea "brewhaha" brouhaha, it seems I find more underlying and subtle (and at times not so subtle messages) in their tea talk instead of a single and solid message for the purpose of their protest and disgust. I heard more of everything (in people's messages, tones, eggings) that of which was nothing related to taxing but their "true" feelings. I mean, tell me how you really feel next time ya dig? Reading between the lines was so obvious that the pollen floating and flying in the wind could see it (and I think I am insulting the pollen while I am it).

Wowsers

Wowsers, I did not realize the gap from my last entry to now, and given how I manage to average about 15 posts a month thus far, I have a feeling I will miss my average target. This is fine and dandy with me, especially given how April seems to be in overdrive. Classes end officially next week, and finals are right around the corner, and I have been lucky to have classes in which the finals were in the form of presentations and papers, sans 1. But don't be fooled by that, I am learning that the hard way. But regardless, I had to cancel plans I had made like 2 weeks (2 weeks in advance mind you) last weekend for Easter weekend to fix that particular homework. What happened was I received back a homework assignment pretty darn late, and it made a pretty big impact in preventing me even starting the next homework assignment related to it (because of all those wonderful mistakes in it), and that next assignment was due the following week. To make matters worse, when I was actually considering saying f it and take off out of town, a pretty bad thunderstorm, with big bad winds, clouds, thunder and nearby tornadoes(as in next state over, but I take these things seriously, ok?) swept through the area,which all but made a mice out of me and made me stay in at the crib. Needless to say, the very next day, around 3:30pm, I went into my icebox (a.k.a. my lab office) and stayed there until 3:30am the next morning. As you can see, its not as if I had hot dates lined up to compensate for said stay in the lab. It was pretty cool, I got a lot work of done that I probably would not normally do on any other given weekend. (Correction, THAT I HAVE NEVER DONE SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN GRAD SCHOOL). Hopefully I will be able to maximize either my Saturday or Sunday with said diligence. I just always loved, since I have been in school (taking it back to even my elementary days) when it seemed that throughout the semester the workload had always been lightweight like a feather, and all of a sudden with a month of school left to go, all the elephants and wildebeests seem to come down the grassy plains to give me some very unnecessary headaches and stress. But I have been doing good, and I have been getting by ok, even though my hair has taken a beaten. I didn't realize how real my hair would get without having put any kind of chemical relaxers in my hair since the new year has been in play (and since November if you want to get all technical and stuff). I can't wait though until school is out for me, because then all I have to look forward to is packing like crazy and driving like crazy and turning around and getting ready for this summer internship. Ha, so this is what I signed up for eh? Its cool though, ya dig? Well its back to trying to refocus my mind to keep working for another 5 to 10 hours on this homework assignment that's actually due today that I just started on, like today. (That's how time consuming the last 2 homeworks I had for this same class has been for me.In addition, I have averaged being in a computer lab on this computer program for at least 8 hours everyday this week.)Wish me luck, and hopefully by the end of next week, I will be able to start winding down, in the form of eating less paper and porcupine quills, perhaps, you know?

ok ok ok

So, as I sit in my on campus apartment watching the National Championship game, I realized that since its already past 11pm, I won't be going back to studying since I am trying to watch the game. Then I am still debating should I make my way over to Franklin Street for the excessive and hyperactive celebrations that will be going on after the game. Naw prolly not, I really am allergic to large crowds and the ignorance that can erupt at any moment. Its amazing how I did not lose my cool whatsoever while I was at the inauguration in January. I think if it wasn't for the fact that I was with my good friends, soror sisters, and honorary member, I would have been ready to go self-implode. So I said all that to say, I had a thought for my next blog topic, but my eyelids would not permit me to write it. So here goes tonight latest personal a-la-personal tat. I have never had a preference for guys, well any kind of explicit preference. This has been the case with the type of guys I have liked or fooled around with over the years. I don't know if it makes a difference whether there are certain defined qualities one would look for in a mate. I figure with some of my acquaintances, they would go for certain looks, certain lifestyle, or certain monetary attachments. But that never has been me. I think that my eclectic taste in men would have something to do with why I have issues with men as it is. I mean in general I go for black men and sometimes hispanic men(well just mainly Dominican, Puerto Rican from time to time, some others from time to time). I really don't have a height requirement, I realized that damn near any guy I meet over 95% of the time is going to be taller than me (I'm only 5'3). I seem to be a sucker for guys that wears glasses, I guess it just flashes intelligence to me (even though I know that's always the case). I also seem to like physics majors, ha go figure. I also have a tendency to be attracted to younger guys at this point or guys no older than 5 years than I am. So its like my cutoff period is 21-29 (maybe an exception for a 20 or a 30 year old). I remember this 34 year old man was trying to holla at me, the age thing bothered me from the get go but his stalker like tendencies even freaked me out even more. I also tend to gravitate to light skinned brothers, seems to be my Achilles heel at times (but don't think all the time), but even that doesn't trip me out too much. I do wonder why I seem to have a particular inkling for younger guys. Is it some kind of time warp I am stuck in, is it I really didn't realize the guy age, I was too busy oogling, or do my eyes really be playing tricks on me and people aren't quite as they seem? I blame that on the foods we eat with that last question about people not seeming to be quite who you thought they would be. But I will save that for another day. Well, the game is almost over, time for me to decide to go out and wonder about or just chill...

My biggest challenge

I am only 24 years old, and up to this point, I guess you can say I have had my share of ups and catastrophic downs. I feel that over the past 5 years, I have grown and changed as a person (since I have been on my own, not by choice though). I had to change schools in order to get my bachelors degree, had to disengage from certain family members in order to stay sane, decided on stalling going to work in order to get more education and so forth. But I think the biggest change I have had to deal with is facing the issues I have with my weight and my health. For the most part, I have been blessed not be affected with any serious health ailments. But I worry everyday about having too high cholesterol and somehow an early onset of cardiovascular diseases and hypertension. This is mainly because those 2 diseases are prevalent on my mother’s side of the family. And by me not knowing anything about the side of the family of the sperm that created me, makes me worry at times even more what other health conditions I could be more inclined to getting. That’s why, after I had spent a summer in Purdue for this research program, to change the way I eat. And even though I have not reached all the health goals I am aiming for, I feel that I have at least started down the right path. I have been trying to eat more fruits and vegetables in my diet everyday, cut down on fast food, and cut down on other foods high in sugar and fat. I do admit that a weakness I still have is eating burritos, particularly from Chipotle, but I am working on it (as my budget tells me so). I have for the most part stopped eating pork, cut down on the amount of red meat I eat, make most of my dinners from this healthy living cookbook I bought, and eat more turkey (turkey lunchmeat, turkey bacon, turkey burgers etc). And I have been trying to feverishly and passionately cut down on the foods that contain high fructose corn syrup (that stuff is the devil, even if there isn’t anything substantive that validates my claims of the pure evilness of this stuff) I do think at times I may eat too much at a meal setting and when I do run out of the healthy food, either because of lack of funds or time at the moment, end up resorting to eating food in the food court or Chipotle like foods to get by until I do get back to the grocery store. (At least at my last 2 grocery runs, I have not bought or ended up buying 1 thing at the most that HFCS in it, yay me!) But the one thing I have not been able to incorporate on a consistent basis is exercising. I feel that for me to have productive workouts I have to workout 2 hours everyday at a rec center, walking a mile on an inclined treadmill, doing the elliptical, arc trainers and sometimes bike, while doing many reps of triceps press, biceps, pull down, shoulder and chest press. To me, this is the kind of workout I could, even though I have to admit I don’t know how to exactly keep the intensity up after my body becomes adjusted to the workouts that I create. But that is beside the point, my biggest issue since I have been in grad school is overcoming the mentality I get when I get to working out like I do. I feel when I workout like I do intensely, I feel that I am not putting enough time into studying, because I seem to clock out early at night than I would usually do. So when I have this workout regime, by time the middle of the semester hits, I already feel behind in my class work or the workload has increased ridiculously that I feel I have to sacrifice working out, taking breaks during the day, or even reading the news in order to feel as if I am being productive doing my homework. And when I let this mentality set in, I end up ceasing to workout for weeks at a time, until something forces me to go back to the gym until the next round of my schoolwork mentality kicks in (usually finals or conclusion of major projects). So what is going to force me back to the gym this week, even though I have a ton of work to do? Stepping on my digital scale today, I somehow gained 8 or 9 pounds from the last time I was on there. And I have no idea how that happened, and its pretty startling just because the amount I weight now, I would be labeled by some as very overweight. But then I have this particularly linebacker type built body since I was a kid, and I don’t know. The only part of my body I feel insecure about is from my stomach on up, because I stopped doing sit-ups and now my gut just pushed out and I have the flabbiest arms ever. I do know that once for all, I want to feel better with the way I look, and at least be heart and cholesterol healthy if I can’t just drop the pants and shirt sizes. I said all that to say-um-well…other than I am actually pretty insecure about my body, which is totally the opposite of how I usually act (which is usually without a care in a world) and that once and for all I want my upper body to be muscular and not flabby like my lower body is. I know it won’t happen overnight, and I have to fight the urges of wanting to spend money on fast food and/or eating out, and for me and most importantly, exercising everyday, even if I can’t get to a rec center to workout. I am thinking that for the summer coming up while I am my internship, I am going to be on a salad diet, like all summer and see what happens. Well, my journey continues in trying to revolutionize how I eat and how I exercise. Stay tuned and wish me luck.

April Showers, Fools and I.D. Card part 2...

Picking up from part 1, so I am at the library, all the way on the top freaking floor going on a book safari for these books I needed for my research paper. I had a few of those back and forward moments looking for all the books because I didn't realize that the different call numbers on these books were all located on the same floor. So after obtaining all the books I needed, I proceeded to hop on back to the elevator, with books in one hand, backpack on thy shoulders and my student I.D. card in my other hand, ready to head to the circulation desk to checkout my latest books I found. While I was on the elevator heading down, I realized that the ride down was smooth (no one got on or off, no random elevator noises). So because of this smoothness, I started singing in the elevator (mind you it was just me), I believe I was singing “Here with Me” by Dido because that is one of my favorite songs to listen and sing to. So as the elevator stops on the 1st floor, I collect myself, and proceeded to get off the elevator. Some reason, I had to look out the elevator with caution, and as soon as I felt that all systems were a-go, I started to walk out of the elevator. But apparently the elevator either thought I was being too cautious getting off of it or it was in a bad mood or that the elevator doors just felt like hitting me. So yeah, the elevator door hits my left hand, which happen to hold my i.d. card, and next thing I knew, my i.d. card was out of my hands, apparently when the card fell, it fell in the gap in which the elevator door opens and closes along, and I could hear my i.d. card as it went down, echoing down the elevator shaft, singing to me (and I kid you not) "Bye, Bye, Bye" by N-Sync. I had this utter look of surprise, what the fuck and shitting bricks occurring all simultaneously. I could not believe what just happened with the elevator and what did to me and my student i.d. card. Realizing now that Houston we may have a problem, I had to go up to the circulation desk (Because that was the only way I was going to be able to check out these books)and ask for help. So I told the lady at the circulation desk what happened and she grabbed some keys and went to head to the basement to see if she could my i.d. card. So as she was gone, my mind was temporarily blank, to put it nicely. When she came back, she told me that the card probably ended up on the sub-sub-sub basement in the building and that they had no way of getting to it. (I was like shit). So she told me I am probably going to need to get an I.D. card, but that I could check out the library books by just showing another picture i.d. Well, because of my paranoia of losing my license/wallet really, I didn't have it on me, so I had to trek 2 buses back to my apartment to get my driver's license and trek another buses back to the library. I was able to get my library books, but in the midst of me getting back and forward, I realized that the building where my office is at automatically after 7pm (and it was already past 7pm) and that I needed card access to get to the floor my office is on. So I was like dammit, so first I had to trek back to my apartment and eat because my body was telling me that you might want to eat again, it’s been 12 hours already. After I ate, I was debating whether to take a chance to trek to my office, pray that the security guard was actually on duty, and use my infectious smile in hopes they would let me in. But in the long run, I decided to stay at the crib, read the books I had checked out for my research and jot some notes. But unfortunately, about 20 minutes later, I was knocked out on the couch, asleep. I had to go on ahead and call it a night at 10:30pm last night. But at least I woke up at 6am this morning to get the day going by getting my i.d. card replaced. (which is another side funny story in itself that I will save for a little later)

April Showers, Fools, and blasted I.D. Card-part 1

I had one of those "Ain't that a b^&%*" moments yesterday afternoon and through the evening. So the day got kicked off by me debating should I goto the weekly seminar series hosted by my department or go meet with the fellowship representative who happen to be on campus on yesterday over at the graduate center. Even though I actually wanted to go see this particular environmental law professor speak, I knew I had to go meet the representative from my fellowship consortium, cause you know, they are paying my way to be here (i.e. THEY ARE THE ONLY REASON WHY I EVEN HAVE FUNDING FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL!). SO I went, and she was there, along with the diversity coordinator for the graduate school and the student affairs rep. So essentially, the conversation was initially about protocol, paperwork, tuition and stipend being paid and so forth. And for some reason, I felt I had to give the people there a "Let me tell how I really feel" dialogue. I don't know what possessed me, but it seemed as if something in my mind was telling me its time to open up and express how I have felt thus far at this institution during my first year of grad school. And I tell you, I didn't realize how easy it would be for me to open up about my frustrations and growing sense (at times) of apathy for the institution, the department, and my program in general. Everyone seem to have this look upon their faces of wow, I did not know that was how you really felt. Now the diversity coordinator, I had talked to him on several occasions of certain incidents that occurred and he offered me advice. I hadn't told him of all the "wonderful" events that happened to me this semester. Needless to say, they were telling me that I should not feel apathetic, I should be receiving better mentoring from my adviser, that I should probably have some kind of definitive research topic by now and other things I brought up. Long story short, I have felt so much better, so much opened, so much, like my old me, that I had repressed in some way since I have been here.

It felt gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!!!! Anyway, so after that meeting, I headed to my research lab, and proceeded to get to work on this research paper for one of my classes that I got to get done. Then when it got closer to 5pm, I headed off to the soccer fields because I had an intramural softball game. Of course for a second Wednesday in a roll, the weather was just downright dreary and wicked with light sprinkles of raindrops. I was not totally a happy camper because I just washed my hair the night before and usually am not a big fan of getting wet because normally I get sick afterward. So I get to the softball fields, started throwing around with one of my teammates, ready to play,when we found out that we didn't have a game because one of the teams had been consistently forfeiting. So we ended up scrimmaging with each other, and I had a great time because I was catching pop-ups, and fielding good and throwing even relatively well. I miss playing softball, a lot. So after the scrimmaging and someone helping me get my softball back after it was hit into the construction site next to the fields, I proceeded to head to the main library on campus to check out books for my research paper. And let the adventure begin...

Wednesday Diatribes of Randomness, 3.0:

Who knew socks could leave such indentations in your skin? Perhaps I need to investigate these socks for post-skin traumatic syndrome because of the markings and patterns embedded in my leg is ridiculous. What kind of socks are these you ask? I don’t know, I happen to find them in my miscellaneous clothing pile that I haven’t exactly went through to see if I still desired after I graduated last May, said f* off to friends and family and hightailed it to North Carolina mightily quickly (with the haste, with the haste). Plus, I ran out of socks today, and because I also was running out of cleans bras (it’s hard when you have limited bras but big boobs), I forced myself to wake up at 7:00am to go wash at the dorm laundry room. I have to admit, it was mighty quiet and there were actually washers and dryers available. Go figure! On another side note, I ran out of water in my 1 liter water I had been chugging on lately and decided to break down and return to drinking the water from the school fountain. Now normally I have no problems with this, but earlier this month, they sent out a notice to the school e-mail basically saying that the local drinking treatment plant in the town was switching the disinfection processes used (with chloramines I believe) to using straight up chlorine for reasons about meeting certain drinking water standards and stuff.. and believe me, since this is the first time for me to use the drinking fountain since the switch, you can taste that wonderful chlorine after-taste (tastes like vodka, not really, disregard the taste like vodka, I might be drinking vodka when I go home to disinfect the chlorine taste in my mouth though). But hey, water is water (until I come down with something but I digress) and cannot complain because for the most part the water is relatively ok to drink. Besides, I am trying to cut down on the real money guzzler habit of buying water bottles. Now that’s a waste of money if there ever was one. At least I try to buy cheap store brand water every time to get by.
There is a fridge in my research lab office that I believe the lab manager turned off or it stopped working or something last semester. Now I haven’t opened it this semester, but the last time I opened it, I think rainbow colored mold and bacteria had began to manifest itself because of certain leftovers and leaked water still present. Of course if I want to do a random experiment before May to test to see what random spontaneous combustible situations could occur between the opened and at this point repugnant refrigerator and common chemicals and gases that are always present in the lab. Now that’s research I could get behind 110%. Hey at least that would be more research I would have conducted in that 1 hour experiment than what I have done since I have been here (and that has been last August, and yet I am due to be out here next May with intentions of defending next semester-go figure).
Today, one of my classmate’s in one of my classes made a continuing effort to talk to me and get a feel about how I really feel about being at this school. And I have to say, she has been the first student (in the actual classes that I take) who has made the effort to try to get to know me since I have been here. Wow, amazing (Note: I have met people and gotten to know people a lot more this semester than what I did last semester. The only thing is they are not in my department let alone in the school that my department is apart of). Man I miss the concept of being at a school that is hardcore engineering. I never thought I would miss it so. I guess the old adage you never know what you got until it’s gone is in some sense reversibly so true. Go figure.
I am on another news (in all its forms) strike this week. After Sunday into Monday, I really wasn’t looking forward to attempt number (I start to lose count here) of proposals by treasurer secretaries/economic “supposed” gurus about trying to dissolve toxic assets. I also was not looking forward to lack of journalism/real news reporting on the so called network news channels that claim to give you accurate or fair or balanced or whatever euphemisms they call it for highly opinionated shitty ass lack of research/depth that they try to pass as journalism nowadays. Damn, perhaps I should have been a journalist after all. I actually like to do research and go into the field. Must be weird as a 24 year old to itch for research as I do (but I wander off this paved rant that I am on).
For some reason, even though T-mobile has made its present felt finally in North Carolina, ( I moved out here when there was no such thing as T-mobile and dropped calls was the norm all summer) but apparently North Carolina is still allergic to T-mobile. ( I say this as I am trying to send a text to my favorite homegirl and even though I have 6 bars (highest number of bars on my phone) I can’t get even get the phone to send back out a text message.) Now I have been patient while T-mobile tries to set up shop here but I figured after at least 8 months that the signaling might be a wee bit better. Apparently not-this month I have to deal with more than usual dropped calls, no bars in the middle of conversation and the subsequent 5 minute hello, hello, hello, chants, and issues sending off text messages. (Note: text messages are my clutch, my go to, my bench player that I need to give me some instant offense since I have limited amount of minutes for the remaining of my cycle due to circumstances that was half-heartedly out of my control so that way I am still able to communicate with people). But I am off my wagon again-dangit. Ok so yeah and of course one may ask me why I am still with T-mobile. Well at the time I signed the renewal contract it was about 2 months before graduation, before I really knew what I would be doing or even where I might be going to grad school at, so now I am in an unfortunate committed relationship and I am stuck in it for another year. (Please let this year go by, fast, but productively fast though).
Well that’s enough for Wednesday diatribes for today. Break time is over me, and I am going back to barbecuing my soul, I mean studying for a midterm I have tomorrow that I really don’t know if I could be ready for. Awww, good times I tell ya, good times!
P.S. I have realized since I have given my creative and artsy side of randomness to all things technical for the last 5 years or so, my ability to write with basic verb-agreement has went out the window. Hopefully by me getting retrained in the art of writing for flow and creativity instead of prospectus reports, I will regain and relearn the subtle and intricate delicacies of the written word-Word.

The Coming out of Left Field Story for Today:

So for today I got some disturbing news, one of my relatives was getting divorced. Why significant? Because ever since I had been living on my own, meeking out an existence, I used to spend my holidays by myself on campus a lot. I told my relative, she couldn’t believe it that I had been doing it for that long, and insisted I come to stay with them for the holidays. This was around 2006 I think, give or take. But anyways, it took me a while to adjust their abode because they were like a family, you know, with the kids and 2 parents with careers that were actually together. See when I was growing up, on my mom’s side of the family (which raised me more or less), most of my aunts and uncles had already divorced at least once, with usually my cousins paying the prices for their sometimes irresponsible decisions (that they still pay for till this day). So when I would spend time my relatives that was married, it was like wow, you don’t’ see that happening everyday. And little by little, as I spent my holiday breaks and summer breaks and interludes between school at their house, I felt myself become attached, as if they were in a way, the parents I never had. Even though there were certain things I couldn’t’ feel myself belonging to in their family, overall I was relatively happy. Now of course I was not naïve and I knew they had their fair share of arguments and disagreements and what have you, but you know I figure hey that’s all apart of being married. Then there was this news today. When I was told this morning, I felt a bit of wind sail from me because last time my relative called last semester near my finals, he was telling me news that one of my cousins had been killed. So needless to say, I did not see this coming. I felt a bit sad (thanks to the wonderfully dreary weather of dark clouds and coldness that had been prevalent around here all day today) about it, as if they were my parents getting divorced and this was affecting me personally. I just wonder how their kids are going to handle it. Well they were reassuring me that I could still come home and stay but I don’t know, it just didn’t feel the same right off the bat, and I wasn’t going to go “home” till middle of May after my finals to get a touch up of good ole Houston.
But it made me realize, I think they were the last of maternal relatives that I knew of that had been a relatively stable marriage that was over 40. Well so much for that. And its amazing that out of my childhood friends I had, I never knew who my father was and he was deceased, a sister and brother father was deceased, one of the half-brothers father really didn’t come around to see his son and the other brother father was in the prison. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was considered the norm in the neighborhood, and the fact that we were being raised still relatively and recently good was a rarity.
Lately I had been questioning whether I would ever get married, given my current track rate of how my “dating” life and “relationship” life had been going. I sort of always had a bit of an apprehension of marriage, but it certainly did not mean I advocate shacking up with an implied common-law marriage. But regardless, its just one of those things to chalk up that marriage might be overrated, overstated or even understated in today’s world. At least I am friends with one young married couple I went to middle school with that’s starting out and they seem to be going really well. For the older crowd per se, I guess I have to lean on my close homegirls and homeboy whose folks I have met, almost met, and personally know to lean on to understand and witness what a good marriage still means in today’s world.

status messages

But on a lesser note today, since I refuse to get into this whole twitter phenomena, I still use Facebook statuses as my way (when I do create status messages) to relay how I am feeling at the moment. For a while now, I have realized the evils of posting all personal content about yourself on Facebook (and others too, i.e. Myspace), especially since companies were starting to use Facebook as a “pimping tool”, I mean a screening tool to take a look at potential candidates that they were really considering hiring. So for the most part, I took down the truthful stuff about myself and kept the basics. If you can’t get a 1% idea of who I am from my quotations, political views and religious views then perhaps one is the wrong business of trying to figure out the psyche and character of people. Not too long ago, I decided to do an update status which when a little something like this:

{redacted} is redefining her short, mid and long term goals as a result from events over the last couple of months...I will get to where I want to go...

When I wrote this, I was taking a mini-break from working on my current assignment to look into doctoral programs and what I wrote in my doctoral program and what research I want to engaged in. in a sense I was redefining what I wanted to do academically because I certainly have not felt (can you tell my the posts I have done?) I was getting mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically what I had so worked hard for (just to be able to get into graduate school in the first place). I have refrained (quite amazingly too) from expressing how I really feel because the choice of language may prove too colorful to some. I said what I wrote in my status message because one of the main things I have learned since the middle of my freshman year of college is that shit happens, life happens and how you bounce back from that depends on how you are able to adapt and pick yourself off the ground after being knocked down in the 12th round of a boxing match. I admit I used to be a very stubborn woman (I think it runs deeply in my family, at least on my mother’s side that I know of) who did not like to change too much. Some of it had to do with the fact that my life was changing so quickly and grief and shock and sadness was just coming from all angles all over the place and that is a pretty scary thing to deal with at the age of 19. So as I have gotten a little older and a little wiser, I have learned that I have to be able to be more fluid than ever, especially given the instability and unpredictability of what’s going on in the world today. So as I say this, I have always been pretty good setting and meeting short and mid-range goals. I believe I have taken steps up to this point to get myself in place to meet all of my long term goals. I am not quite there yet but I have learned that as I grow my goals and life and accomplishments that I set out to do will change as I live day to day. But I refuse to have any of my goals compromised as a result of what others tend to impose upon me; I just do NOT get down like that. So even though I have vented, vocalized, and expressed some pretty vicious statements of my current state as a graduate student, please realize that it was not a sign that I was giving up anytime soon. As a matter of fact I am more resolved than ever, I am just using this blog as one means to release outwardly how I feel inwardly that I work hard not to express too vocally around here. (I still need recommendations from certain folks here, ya know?)

One less radio commentary for me to depend upon:

Note: sorry if the grammar here and there sounds a bit more choppy than usual but I am going off of raw emotion and a can of wild cherry Pepsi.

I have been paying more attention to blogs more and more right around last summer when I was at my internship North Carolina because where I was working at for the summer; it just was not that popping at all. So for me to waste away the days and weekends, I started surfing the internet more than usual. As I did so, I had to find different ways at work to deal with the bit of the repetitive programming and planning I was engaged with day in and day out on the computer. One of the ways I began to deal with this was starting to listen to NPR more than usual, particularly this one program called News & Notes. News & Notes is a sub program on the big NPR scale that dealt with issues and perspectives from the black perspective. Issues they discussed since I have been listening to the show ranged in all kinds of issues from sports, entertainment, military, politics, musicians (the ones that you wouldn’t hear a lot on mainstream radio), health, etc. I found the show very informative and very soothing, particularly since I started in graduate school. Of course for as long as I remember, I have taken advantage of always listening to NPR because it was public radio and it was something different to listen to other than the usual so called network news. Well I said all that to say that News and Notes broadcasted its last show on Friday. I didn’t listen to News & Notes a lot this week because I was just busy all week. Today, as I work on this assignment I have been pretty much catching up with all the past shows up until its last week. When I first read on the NPR site that they were getting rid of the show due to budget constraints, all I could think of was “No surprise to get rid of certain kind of shows when there is always some kind of budget constraints”. The fact that there is no such program on broadcast radio available that offers different and cultural viewpoints than the status quo is quite disturbing in itself. And for those people who are using the line of the need of such programs because we live in a “post-racial era” needs to get real and take the sunshine glasses off their eyes and realize the kind of world that we live in. Just because of November 4, 2008 occurred did not mean that racism and prejudice was killed off in all of its forms, both subtle and glaringly as a lot of people would like to believe. If you believe that we do live in a "post-racial era", then I have beachfront property to sell you in Oklahoma. I mentioned in a previous post of how sad the state of listening to the news is becoming day in and day out. When you watch these so called network news channels you can’t tell anymore what is real news, people’s opinions, and generalizations based upon the commentary of everyone and their mama who is a blogger and somehow a self-proclaimed expert in all affairs that are news and political worthy. And I just heard the other day of more and more newspapers across American cities shutting down their printing presses because of their abysmal sales. Some are either shutting down their printing presses forever, are being forced to pimp themselves out to larger conglomerates, or forced to enter onto an online media of “printing and publishing” news which in my opinion is a horrible substitute of actual printed newspapers. I don’t when people begin to think that it was a bad idea to pay 50 cents to pick up a newspaper and read (and I mean READ) what was going on in their neighborhood, city, state, national and international fronts. Are citizens becoming such drones that they are turning over their mind to everyone else who sometimes does not have their best interests at heart? Such entities that are only concerned about getting all the dollars they can by spreading their non-stop bombardment of subliminal messages? Why-because as the O’Jays sing it, everything is done for the love of money. So don’t be surprised that as one’s soul is being sold down the river, question the way of life one is accustomed to going down the toilet. Choices one makes for not being informed and unwillingness in going to multiple sources to verify the so called “news” being fed day in and day out. Note: This is why I am checking out as of today watching any kind of news. I will tune in next week to only be recapped on what was mentioned the week I tuned out for. Go figure…

Sunday Wrap-up of randomness

That’s why I don’t feel enthusiastic about this group project because I feel as if I am not contributing any original ideas to the project. Write a portion of the paper that’s already been done already. What is my role? What I am contributing? What am I learning? Not a damn thing period. Hence the less than enthusiasm to do this assignment. But of course, I will suck it up, put my pride to the side and get it done. Even though this will make me feel even more bitter and insolent towards the department, the school, and just this area in general. I reread this horoscope about the in-depth analysis of a Scorpio, and I don’t know if its indicative of anything, but some of the dislikes I have towards my current situation is exactly how they described it about being the Scorpio. I am just trying hard to control the anger I have within inside me and not transform into the freaking hulk because that is how I feel of the road I am heading. And I am trying to remain patient and civilized as long and as much as possible but I don’t know how much longer I can remain patient around there. All I can do is now is start counting down until school is out and I can hatch my escape out of here. I really want to just take off to the Bahamas right about now. Oh yes, very dearly and very soon. I dropped M on the floor straight up earlier this week. I really thought it was the end for M and that I would have to start carrying my printer to the office with me to get stuff printed in color. (see previous post about who M is) I am just not ready to say goodbye to M even though M is just acting hardheaded day in and day out. In addition, my bracket is looking a bit better today. I had a few toss up games I was not sure about today that could have went either way on and I was 50-50 on calling those games. But other than that, I am about to get ready to trudge through another week. Aargh my cell phone just drives me crazy, there are times where i am ready to toss it out the window, it makes me frustrated but I am still under contract with t-mobile. Sighs...well i think the focus of my blogs this week is to talk about current event of things, as interpreted from watching and reading the news, the blogs, and listening to friends thoughts and opinions. Well that is all for now. Back to work.

First Day of Spring

Side note: So I waited to the last minute to fill out my NCAA bracket, and so far, I am 12-7. I picked the wrong upset yesterday, freaking Illinois, just shooting holes like Swiss cheese one side of my bracket. End side note:

So today was supposedly the first day of spring, except someone forgot to tell mother nature that because it certainly hasn't felt like that the last couple of days. At least it wasn't snowing here like it was up in NYC this morning. Now that would be just deflating. So right now on a Friday morning night (because I know how to certainly live it up), I am watching Blazing Saddles. I remember when I watched this movie in middle school with my uncle. I was just like wow at the hilariousness just displayed throughout the movie. For the most part I got understood the movie, but it wasn't until I watched it later on when I was older that I got nearly 98% of the undertones and subtleties used throughout the movie. But yeah, its one of my favorite movies all times. No matter how many times I watch this movie, it always makes me laugh every time. Too bad movies aren't made like this anymore. And being out here and watching the basic channel lineup available on campus, I sure do miss having TCM (Turner Classic Movies for the young folks out there) because there would never be an issue for me trying to find something to watch because there was always good movies to check out from all decades and all genres. I sure wish I could watch some Bogart, Stewart, Grant or Hepburn movies without commercials right now. I struggled to find something somewhat decent to watch around here on tv.
But I said all that to say its spring, time to clean out the winter way of living that had settled in for the last 3 months or so. I have so much crap to clean up, its crazy. But I love to clean when I want to procrastinate. Oh well, back to the movie now...

That pesky...

That pesky demon that has always affected me for as long as I can remember. Self-esteem issues. Its funny because people that know me would have no idea how I really felt about myself sometimes. I always come off as the wise-cracking, sarcastic asshole with a sense of humor that sometimes catches my friends off guard (because of my usual deliberation to not try to make the joke in the first place, it can be kind of uncanny at times). Or most people that meet me think I have this great confidence with self, but its crazy because when I am alone, reflecting about things (which I do alot), I am very self-conscious and critical of myself. But aren't we all? Perhaps. I just know that the main thing I am very conscious about is my weight. When I asked my friend today to guess my weight she guessed that I must be at 200 pounds. Now when she told me that, I was pretty stunned by her guess. Most of my friends have no idea or always guess wrong. (I weighed at the clinic today at 270). Last time I saw a couple of doctors just to get checked out, they made it a point to ask me what kind of foods I eat and how often I exercise. Which is pretty funny because I end up working out at least 3 times a week minimum and when I having my moments I hit the rec center here at school 6 times a week. And yet when I do that, I still feel I don't see results. But regardless, I have always been conscious about weight since I was in elementary school. It seem that I would somehow work out the lower body but never kept my upper body in control (i.e. love handles and gut). But needless to say, I used to fall in the habit for going for fad diets, starving diets, barely eating diets, then switch it up with exercising like crazy. The crazy part was I would start, but would never remain consistent with it, so I would eventually go back to my old eating habits. Now part of it when I was growing up, my folks basically bought foods that we could afford, which at times ranged from processed foods to fast foods. I don't blame them, they had to do what they had to do to try to feed me. I remember eating alot of fried foods, especially chicken and fish Fridays (aw man homemade quality fried fish). When I was in high school I managed to control my weight in one aspect because I was playing sports but in other aspects not so well because of what I ate and the error of my ways and not knowing that you shouldn't try to bulk up on the weights unless trained properly and you are going to be devoted to weight training. Needless to say, I would gain weight even though I had started to watch what I eat because my dumb ass lifting heavy weights (not no punk stuff mind you) so that by time I was getting ready for college, I pretty much stopped weight lifting and you can guess what all that muscle I bulked up on started to turn to. I was even teased one time in high school for being shaped like a linebacker ready to take someone out. So fast forward to college and the horrendous eating habits I engaged in and its no surprise that I added my freshman 15 and then some. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I decided to start get serious about my health lifestyle. So I started by trying to change drastically what I ate by eating more salads. Then I started to cut out fried foods in my life (no more Popeye's, Old Navy Seafood and so forth). Then I decided to stop eating pork (it was my Achilles's heel for the longest. And some steps in between. I am nowhere near where I want to weight or in my ideal dress size (currently 18, I want to get down to at least a 12). Now is that possible for my body physique to reach that type of goal? I learned that diets don't really work and that I have to change the way I eat slowly but surely. I think I am getting there but not quite yet. I have found it hard to totally and entirely give up on fast foods. Every once in awhile I will sprang for a burger, but usually my weakness is Chipotle burritos. ( I am trying to wean myself off that too). Then if I really don't have time to cook or have no groceries or expect a long night in the lab, I end up grabbing Chick-fil-a (which I presume is really no better than a burger joint). I have stopped eating pork, and starting to turn my inner self to give up beef (getting there). There a bunch of little things I am incorporating into my diet everyday (more fruits everyday, veggie omelets and turkey bacon for breakfast now), but I realize that I have to be patient with myself and fight through the urges and gnawings for going back to certain clutch foods that aren't good for me. Even though I hit up a rec center, I have been inconsistent for the past month once school projects started to kick in. I feel I don't have a productive workout day unless I do so for 2 hours on cardio equipment and arm benches. I have to find a way to do effective workouts when I am in my apartment or lab and when I can't get to the rec center. So you see, I have in place, even though moving at a snail's place to improve my health overall. I still get down when I look at myself in the mirror and examine closely my arms, my chin(s), and my gut, because I feel that it makes me unattractive and causes my mind to signal out to me why I have issues with dating (but I digress and diverge all at once). So till next time, I will continue on this path of better health slowly but surely.

Today's Reflection

Today’s Date: March 20, 2009 (Scorpio)

Today you’re concerned with a stable future. Your thoughts turn toward upgrading your house or car, or moving up a rung on your career ladder. It’s a great day for making plans related to these areas, because you’re practical yet ambitious. You’ll aim high, but not so high that, but not so high that you set unattainable goals. This balanced view of your life and abilities really helps in moving onward and upward.

Rating: 4 stars out of 5
Keywords: down-to-earth, controlled
Mood: privileged
So what got me reflecting, is I saw my daily horoscope on my t-zones phone and it caught my attention because kita bita was telling me that I really need to figure out what I do with my life right now, particularly after being mesmerized by listening and seeing live in the flesh political strategist Donna Brazille last night. It was cool and I really felt that my calling right now was not being in graduate school doing what I am doing. Don’t get me wrong, I love engineering, but I feel everyday that I am being pulled from that and more towards the things I actually enjoy doing-writing, politics, international affairs, and other stuff. (actual quote: but listening and seeing Donna Brazille in the flesh was so cool last night one of the best things I have seen in awhile makes me feel as if I am being pulled away from doing engineering stuff and going into politics and international affairs and stuff. And that I need to find a way/career that combines politics and environmental engineering). And that is what got me redoing my goals list. I write out goals that I want to accomplish, because there was a point that I did not think I was going to get there after my uncle died. I was lost, walking in a sticky and translucent cocoon for practically a year. So needless to say, I have made it a point to make some short, mid, and long-term goals and revise them as necessary. At this point, I feel I have been going to school forever, and there are days in which my brain just feels so drained and vapid. 5 years undergrad, 2 years for a master’s right now. I think after I receive this master’s, I am going to take a break and go find myself again momentarily. I always wanted to teach in some capacity, run a mentor/mentee program and also set up engineering and science camps for kids all ages to get them interested in the STEM fields. That is my long term goal that I want to accomplish. Everything else in between now and my long term goal is up for grabs. I have a friend who asked me to read through and edit her essay she was doing so she could join the peace corp. this has been weighing on my mind lately for me to commit to some stateside or international service for at least several years. I have been looking into working for the government but I am now starting to think about non-profit organizations, especially those related to education. Because if people have not realized, education is where it it has to start for so many young people, middle age and seniors. At the rate things are going, no matter your age, people are going back to school to learn new trades and skills because of the evaporation of many different jobs in the usual and dependable job sectors (i.e. retail, manufacturing, construction). My ultimate goal is to get my PhD, but I think that my time to pursue it is not now. I used to think when I was younger that the only important thing for me to do was to study all the time, in all subjects. Now don't get me wrong, I still care for scholarly subjects, but I just don't like at times being pigeonholed to always focus on one thing and one thing only because I just refuse to hold attention and be warped and tunneled visioned in one thing. (Even though I am stubborn by nature). So I have been looking, slowly but surely mind you, incorporating ways to combine my knowledge of engineering, passion for environmental issues, thirst for political scrapping and commentary, helping others, traveling and seeing the world and being exposed to many cultures in all just one fell swoop. Whooo, I know I just expended alot of energy for all those passions to integrate (and do not believe for once that is just an exhaustive list I have provided). And that is all I can do, because according to my horoscope for today, I aim high, but I am also practical and realistic. So my journey to figure out what randomness I will get into in the near future (particularly after I finish up my master's) I believe will be the biggest challenge and a test to see how I have to live life these past 5 years will get me through for the rest of my life. Stay tuned!

Music, music, music, where have you gone?

As I was finishing up my undergrad studies, I had to spend plenty of long nights in my computer lab (since that was the only time it seem I could be productive). One of the ways for me to stay alert during these late hours (other than countless and numerous Jack-n-Box runs) was to listen to music. Some of my fellow classmates had pretty extensive music collections loaded onto the lab computers and/or downloaded onto the computers and would play (whether I wanted to be subjected to their taste in music) loud in the computer lab. So on nights that I remembered to bring headphones, I would engage in hours of ear blasting and ear drum thumping of my kind of music (which happens to be a lot of different kinds of music). A friend of mine's tuned me onto the Pandora music channel which I found pretty cool. Before Pandora, I had to depend on yahoo music and their radio player but I became annoyed with yahoo music channel and gradually stopped listening to it. But on Pandora, you were able to create your own music stations and they played songs similar to the artists channel that you had created. Being the kind of person that I am, my station had all kinds of musical channels (jazz, classical, r&b, classic soul, alternative, rock, salsa, meringue, etc.) but it seemed that the only station I found myself listening to the most was classic soul (i.e. Marvin Gaye, Temptations, Stylistics, Dramatics, Aretha, Jackson 5, Martha Reeve and the Vandellas, O'Jays,Otis Redding, you name it) because these songs would make me feel good and focused. Mind you that I am only 24 years old, but I might as well have a musical tastes of people 40 and up. As I grew up in the mid 80s, I thought the music I heard was cool because I used to listen to the new wave and alternative and whatever synthesized beets were created and fused. My uncle had a diverse taste in music and it basically impacted and molded my musical styles. Of course I would listen to alot the artists of the times during the 80s and 90s but at least they were still churning out great music (cue in Jodeci, Boyz II Men, New Edition,112, Sade etc). But now it seems music is just full of crap that stinks worse than someone's dog who had nonstop diarrhea and halitosis. You know music is down the toilet when you have to get today's artists through American Idol. Now granted there are a few artists out there today in 2009 who know how to put out good music but they are so far few and in between. Why? Conspiracy (key in my conspiracy theory)to shove down young's people throats undeserving and highly unqualified "singers" to sell to today's youth that these are real artists, real singers, real rappers, real whatever else of the 21st century. Puh-lease. Its no coincidence when you listen to certain radio stations that cater to certain audiences (urban, youth etc) the frequency upon which you hear the same type of song, the same type of beat, the same type of track over and over all day long. After awhile, its start becoming dull and quite nauseating. And record companies wonder why no one wants to buy music anymore but instead engage in pirating and downloading illegal music. After my extensive CD collection was stolen during my junior year of college, I waited almost 4 years before I even began to think about rebuilding my music collection. And even as I have re bought music at about 65% of what I used to have, I have become downright fickle about what kind music I would actually pay for. Ask any of my friends, and they question the age of my soul because of my collection. At least I still have Youtube (when copyright blockages are not utilized) and Pandora radio. I hope that people of my generation and the generation coming up behind me that what you are fed day in and day out is not real music but systematic brainwashing; and if they happen to listen to music, even as late into the mid and end of the 90s and work their way backwards will they realize how much the music curve had declined tremendously. I still have hope that a music revolution will ensue soon in which the consumer demands better product, not for the sake of what they pay for, but for the sake of their ears (because god knows you are only given one pair to work with and need to make the most of through listening to music).

Something in the Spring Season

Other than the arrival of Daylights Saving Time, I actually enjoy the advent of spring. Not because of the thawing out from the cold weather, or the reappearance of leaves and flowers blossoming and blooming, but because the peak of the sports season is starting to pick up again. These spring summer events helps me to get through the summer of reruns and horrors of more invading reality tv shows. The NBA season is winding down and yet the arrival of the playoffs are coming. Will Boston repeat, will Kobe get his first non-Shaq ring, will a dark horse come out of nowhere? Then March Madness is starting to get ready to kick off. I love March Madness because any team has the chance to shock and just totally screw up the brackets. I should know, i have had quite bit brackets just trashed after week one. But that is what makes March Madness so great. As my late uncle used to say, any dog can have its day in the tournament. Then by April, my favorite, baseball (MLB) would be already to get going in high Every season i think to my self that it is the cubbies year and they somehow find a way to disappoint. But needless to say, its a sports fanatic dream come true, always a sporting event every weekend to get into...woohoo...i had a point to this story but its almost 2am and i am typing this with half my eyes only open...hmmmmm well til next time

Organizing Randomness, is that possible?

So I realize that I got to figure out what direction I want to take my blog now. I could careless if I had like 500 hits a day to check out my latest adventures in the world of dial R, but I do want to vent and release and discuss the myriad of things that interest me. But it seems thus far a lot of posts have been a lot about griping, I guess I need to do less griping and more griping about things not named dial R, but I guess that is apart of my whole negative and sarcastic demeanor. Luckily for me, I think, I don’t think I have poisoned my friends entirely who actually use to look on the brighter side of things about life (well then again, uh oh). But then again, I did name this blog Dial R for Randomness, its like the box of chocolate saying from Forest Gump. But I do want to talk about so much other stuff, the world, politics ( to a limited extent, politics actually annoys the hell out of me, even though I follow it like a junkie in need of a fix), news, traveling, cooking, music (which no one today seems to want to make good quality anymore), the opposite sex, and sports (oooh March Madness and baseball and basketball winding down and all things athletic, oh my). Lately though, it seems that I can only get motivated when a topic is just itching inside of me to say something about (in this case, several posts ago about what I felt about MLB and steroids). A good friend of mine at Purdue asked me the other day had I thought about becoming a journalist because of my writing and need for words to express how I feel. Hmmm, I thought about it, but I also want to be a wildlife photographer, a teacher, a mentor, engineer, environmentalist, lawyer and so many other things that I don’t think I can do in this lifetime (unless I want to be a career student for the rest of my life and not really mainly because I do have my moments in which I like to make money, mainly to pay off all debt and save). Well I digress, I guess I need to think about how to organize the randomness of chaotic thoughts that constantly flows through my mind. But until then, hmmm I think I am going to go take a nap and wake up early and start from scratch and pretend in my dream that I get the world’s greatest back massage for my aching back (oh where is a boy toy when I need one? Yeesh)

Aaarrrrrrgh and ba humbug all roll up in 1

Let me tell you how I really feel now at 12:50am. Just the fact that its 12:50am and daylight saving time has officially kicked off just makes me want to scream and hurl some rhino dung at the nitwits who continue to advocate for daylight saving time this time and age. All DST does for me now is take away a hour that I so desperately needed to pretend was still there even though it never really is while being a graduate student. Now with the return of the “daylight from hell” all I have to look forward to is to lose 2 hours that I didn’t realize was actually still apart of the 24 hour day. Somehow when I played basketball last week and was giving it my entire all, apparently my right knee did not appreciate my hustling up and down the court and since then I have been paying it by walking around like a block of wood stuck in my knee. Then when I finally got around to starting on my homework 2 assignment for my water resource class, I was working on the parts, doing the math and calculations, putting off using excel for graphical purposes, when I realized just 20 minutes ago that all the work I had computed for the last 3 days was entirely and completely and woefully ALL WRONG!!! And ladies and gentlemen, that is how graduate school goes for me, when I think I am taking 3 steps forward, I just took -5 (yes negative 5) steps back and then I am back to ground 0. What makes this worse is that this assignment is due today (Monday) and I just don’t see it happening since I have to start from the beginning and finish the next 8 parts to this problem, only me I tell you can make such draconian mistakes on homework assignments. I used to do this crap when I was an undergrad. Downright ridiculous how much backwards work and erasing I had to do. Last week, after my monthly affliction passed, right on schedule comes my wisdom teeth of horrors. Oh yes, every month, right after my monthly affliction, my wisdom teeth starts to hurt. First it starts off as a nagging soreness, but eventually the pain begins to throb and pulsate with a mind of its own in my gums and surrounding teeth until I am in agonizing pain with tears ready to stream out of my eyes. Usually if I can’t take the pain anymore, I try to soothe it with some ambesol (which makes my mouth feel like I had several injections of Novocain after being in the dentist chair) and if that doesn’t work, its onto popping Advil. Needless to say, this has a tendency to affect my mental state greatly and leaves me void of doing anything productive until the pain subsides. I said all this to say that its downright frustrating and aggravating for me, its like why me? I seem to have just bad luck at times, which is fine with me, I can deal with, but can I please schedule and plan the times that bad luck wants to come knock on my door? At least wait until I finish all major projects, assignments, and to-do list items. Thank you, that is all I ask for. But there is no use in crying, I mean all I can do is wake up, start anew, and just plow right along and pray that things will go right, or at least partly right at about 50% of the time today. Oh well, at least its suppose to be spring break for me this week, doesn’t seem like it all though.

Let It Snow

So after being stuck in the apartment over the weekend because of nonstop rain and leaving umbrella in car that is parked about 5 miles or so away from campus, late Sunday night the rain gave away to snow. And it has been snowing kinda nonstop since then. The snow is picking up again, falling pretty heavy and what little sun that managed to peep out of the clouds today has turned in for the day I believe. When I woke up this early, really early, before there was any light, the graduate apartments here on campus was literally white. I could not see the ground for anything. And giving how desperate I was to get out of the apartment, I decided to start treading through this stuff to make my way to my lab office. Of course the school for some reason didn't close school down even though everywhere else in the areas did so. So needless to say campus was dead. After catching a bus, realizing that there was nowhere here in (faculty or services wide), I decided to catch a bus, get off a few stops down and start walking through campus. Of course being the Texan that I am, I took pictures of campus buildings in general because despite my ambivalence and often leaning aversion to this school, the campus was quite a site to see under snow. This is like the second snow storm to hit this area since late January. So much for me thinking that they had mild winters here.
So for today, it was much more enjoyable for me to watch the snow fall outside my lab office instead of doing homework (or making a valiant effort to be frustrated, get mad, say f it, then get this epiphany later on right before the assignment is due, stay up all night to finish the assignment that will probably end up being about 60%-70% right, that goes the routine for me here in graduate school. And I think its only a whopping 30 degrees outside right now, and for once my lab office thermostat is not set in the 50s or 60s today. Yay! Well back to my regularly scheduled frustrations.

Look Out Now, This Post is a Doozy!

So I watched this movie tonight on lifetime television. And let me tell you, I usually don't watch movies, usually Reba and Still Standing during the week during my break, and so for the past couple of weeks or so they had been advertising like ridiculously their new movie called "America". I had my doubts, but I decided to check it out anyway tonight. And I actually have to say I actually enjoyed the movie. The gist of the movie is this biracial boy who ends up in the foster care system and gets lost,and went through some traumatic events in his young life, and the therapist at the foster care facility that he is sent to works with him to deal with and overcome his problems. (I enjoyed the movie so much that I am watching it again on Lifetime). In a way this movie made me realize a few things. First, that even though I perceive to have bad luck and rough patches, that I should be grateful to God and fate for allowing me to get where I am at today. Not a lot of young people at my age have been blessed to even finish high school, let alone go to college I have been able to. The movie made me realize also how grateful I am to have had a grandmother and uncle who cared so for me, who took care of me, who filled so many roles as best they could (i.e. mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle) with as few resources and limited funds that they could because by all rights, if it was not for their love and support and them taking care of me, I don't really know where I would be today. I used to think that I would end up in the foster care system because our house's condition wasn't exactly the best and I thought some stranger would call CPS or something and remove me from their care. Even with this, I would be at times more afraid to have to go with my mother. When I was younger, she was only able to visit at my grandmother's house. I used to remember she would try ways to get me to always come with her, come stay with her. I don't even know if she ever had a place to live at, but anyways, I remember how my grandmother and uncle use to tell me if she tries to make me go with her, to not go, to yell, to run away from her. She tried to drag me away when my grandmother was inside the house and we were outside. They used to watch her as a hawk when I was like a toddler and a young child whenever she came to visit me. She used to always give me $5 or $10 here, as if that was to suppose to makeup for her not being a mother. I have this one vivid memory in which I was like 3 or 4 years old, she somehow grabbed my hand, and me not knowing any better started walking with her. And I remember that we walked prolly for like 15, 20 minutes, across some train tracks. I think we were waiting to catch the metro bus to somewhere. Then I remember my uncle coming up on the train tracks in his brown pickup truck, and when she saw her brother coming our way, she literally ran away and my uncle grabbed me and brought me back home. Then after he brought me back, he got sick, because he was scared and worried for me terribly. Shortly after that, I remember he had to sit down on a couch because he wasn't feeling good. He ended up having a major heart attack. He got to the VA, and was there for like 2 or 3 months I think. I remember I went to go see him a couple of times when he was in the hospital. I remember vaguely that my birthday had came around too shortly. Its amazing when you are younger, there are just certain events that happens when you are really really young and it feels that when you think about those moments its still perfectly etched in your mind in vivid memory, as if it just happened yesterday, never mind if it had been 21 years and counting. Every time I see this Polaroid pic of me when I was like 4 years old or so on my birthday and it kind of reminds me of time when things were simpler and I didn't think there was alot wrong with the world. After awhile, I guess she realized that I never wanted to go with her and she left me alone, and after awhile she stopped coming to visit me, and after while I kinda just forgot about her. When I had found out that she had died from another one of my uncles, I just shrugged my shoulders.I didn't even bother to go to her funeral. I know it may seem wrong and everything, but I just did not have any love in my heart for her. Does that mean that there is something wrong with me? Later on as I got older, I was told that she was diagnosed with a mental illness (either bipolar or schizophrenia) and when I found that out, I used to worry alot (along with the many things else I used to worry myself about, I swear instead of acting like a 10 year old, I had the mindset and thought level of a 40 year old, and that's not a good thing, so I have been told by my friends) that I might end up being diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder. I mean I realized it prolly ran in the family, my uncle was severely depressed, had been after he came back from Vietnam. I was told that my mother had did drugs, even when she was pregnant with me. I was also told later on that they believe that she had been raped once and perhaps more than once in her lifetime. There is so many things about her that I have no clue about, or could understood when I was younger and may never understand. Don't even get me started about the guy who donated the sperm that ended up creating me.
But I said all of this to say that there are so many kids in the U.S. in foster care, its really sad and pathetic. And I feel most Americans feel that since they are damaged goods that hey its not my concern and to just wash my hands of it. It hits hard for me because of the possibilities and the chances that I could have easily ended up in the system. I have thought about before adopting kids and raising them and showing that it is possible for an adult to care and to love and to nurture; who wasn't a bad adult who had either other ulterior motives or only cared about getting a check. This is partially why I have a problem with critics who do not advocate a woman having and exercising the right to either have an abortion or not. Because the same critics who denounce a woman receiving the abortion, I don't see them jumping up and breaking down the doors eagerly with their arms wide open to adopt and to take care kids who ended up in the foster care system because of neglectful, irresponsible and just downright wretched parents who were more useless than a lump of coal. It sometimes gets my blood burning to even think about it. When I see that there is a guarantee of a child born into this world will be born to 2 loving parents (whether heterosexual or homosexual couples) and that every single child in the system won't ended up aging out of the system and there is no longer a need for it because there is no child left for foster care, can I really question the continuing need for abortions as an option.

I am on a roll today (i.e. all these blog stories today posted below):

So for some reason unknown to me, I have been on a blog roll, just typing my little heart away this week. Some of the entries reflect how I felt for the past week and so are in no particular order. Some of the entries seem to be of like a tale of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on certain topics; that was because one day I was literally feeling like Dr. Jekyll and a couple days later back to my Mr. Hyde self. I have been leery about really telling all my friends about being starting a blog or actually putting the live link on said facebook page. I know that some of the stories I write in here, I write with an air of deliberateness, in which I disclose the gist of stories or people of question because for strangers out there that may come across this blog don’t really know what I am talking about but the people who really do know me would exactly know what I was talking about. I have already concerns of this, especially in a couple of blogs already I wrote during Valentine’s Day weekend and the revelation that some of my guy friends who reads this will more than likely figure out who I was talking about. I know it’s a risk to take and a real dicey gamble, but at this point in my life, I could really care less because I feel have to get certain things off my chest that is of personal interest to me because for too long, this recent shell of me (post freshman year) has not been as vocal as expressing the way I feel about people, about situations, about revelations for fear that I just don’t want to hear the drama or the rejection. I am so used to rejection and negativity (basis for my young life thus far) that it has molded me in some ways as a cynical, occasionally bitter and unhappy person at times. Now this is not to say that is who I am all the time, but it is partly who I am some of the time. And I feel that until I get into a new situation in my life and start a new chapter of my life (post school) will I feel the page somewhat turning. But until then, que sera, sera.

Me, J, and M

Who is J and M you may ask? I started college during the fall of 2003. The summer before I started my freshman year, my uncle who raised me had saved enough money to try to get me a car for college. I wanted a dodge neon or something small to get me from place to place but the dealer had pissed my uncle off so then we ended up at a Chrysler dealership and there I ended up with a Sebring (aka Seabiscuit). Now at first, I was not entirely too big of fan of the car, I thought it was a bit big for me and my needs and the car was an automatic. When I got my license, I used my uncle’s pickup truck with a crutch. And I loved driving that truck and just relishing driving a stick. I figured not too many people; especially females knew how to drive with a clutch. Anyways, so you know with car in hand, I started driving it. I don’t think I really appreciated the car too much early on because I was still relatively closed to home but yet stayed on campus. I really didn’t drive it much and when I did, it seemed I ended up taking my homegirls and hitting the clubs on every other weekends or something to that effect. It wasn’t until my uncle had died during the second semester of my freshman year and just going through turmoil that the car literally became all I had ( I know that is a weird concept to think about it is). My car was at my uncle’s house the day he died. So even if my uncle had called for help, I couldn’t get there to save him because I didn’t have a way back home just right away. So anyways, needless to say, after some wrangling with the car company, I managed to somehow to find a way to make the car payments to keep the car. And I tell you that were not always easy to do, and yet I chose to undertake this challenge and keep the car since my uncle really wanted me to have the car. So over time, my car became my moving house on wheels. I practically used my car to move around Houston a lot, go on long road trips to sometimes get away from Texas, to get to work at the jobs I was trying to work at to just scrape by and just all kinds of stories. My car and I ended up in car accidents, pulled over by cops, (I had a very high tendency to speed, a lot, and I mean a lot) and even to be broken into and wheel jacked. (so at this apartment complex that I had been staying at that was not necessarily the best apartment complex to stay at but the rent was cheap, the day I was leaving for a NSBE conference, my friend and I come out of the complex to get ready to pack my car to head towards the school when I came out and said calmly to my friend, I don’t think we are going anywhere today, and I pointed to my car, and someone (or some persons) stole all 4 tires and the factory rims (factory yall, nothing special at all, simply hubcaps) and left my car entirely on cement blocks. Needless to say that was not a good day for me at all nor did I had a good time at the NSBE conference when I finally got out there to it. But I certainly did not stay at that apartment complex very long afterwards, got out of the lease early without being penalized and have never looked back). At this point, me and car have been through so much, and during the summer when I was in Indiana doing this research project, I decided to name my car J upon my lone drive back to Texas. Simply J is the middle initial of my late uncle. Because I have felt that he has somehow this whole watched over me and my car. This will be the 6th year in July since I have had my car, and I hope to get another great 5 to 10 years out of it. I will be really sad when I am forced to have to actually go get another car or truck because it just won’t be the same. Last summer I was able to fully pay the car loan off and after some time and changing the title to my name, was able to get the official title to my seabiscuit showing that I was the rightful owner of it.
M:
Being raised my uncle and grandmother as I was growing up, we were really poor. We barely got by, only living month to month, always 1 bad event away from being in the shithole for a really really long time. So I never really had a home computer. One of my uncle’s brothers told me that I was really going to need a laptop when I started college. Of course we didn’t really have the money for some top of the line stuff so he managed to get me laptop from one of his friend’s who had an extra laptop and sold it to me for about $900 or so. This included getting all of the software, spyware, adware and a bunch other programs installed. Now I am no computer expert, but I presume that the lifespan of a laptop is not really long. But somehow my Dell latitude did not get the memo, because this is going on 6 of me owning this laptop. And at this point, it is really on its last leg. One of the hinges that closes the laptop has completely broken off from the rest of the computer, several keys are missing, the mouse doesn’t work too well, its super duper slower than molasses (it’s a Pentium 3 and I am guessing that is old), I had to buy a 7 port multi USB in order for me to hook up my USB stick, my printer, my wireless internet adapter and camera adapter too. Because the laptop bottom would get hot super easy, I bought this computer fan in which I would sit the laptop on to keep it from getting as hot. I had that fan until it finally wore out this past summer. It takes it about a good 20 minutes to turn on and get started and the CPU usage of it when I open the windows task manager is nearly at 100% all the time. I have to be patient and not open too many programs at once or click on too many things at once or the laptop will freeze. During my first semester of grad school, I was frustrated with my laptop because I couldn’t do my homework on it, so I had to learn how to bus or hoof it to the multiple computer labs here on campus so I could finish my homework. I would a lot of my late nights at the 24 hour undergraduate library using their computers just to get work done and take care of everything else. But despite all of this, and getting some helpful advice when I do get ready to buy my next laptop, I just couldn’t bring myself to buy one right away. I love M (or Methuselah) because its just as part of me as I am apart of it. And I truly do believe me that unless its broke and totally unsalvageable, that I am going to continue to use things until I have to get something new. Call me stubborn, extremely cheap or lazy, but I really appreciate the things that I have or had to fight to get or to keep because stuff that I have, it’s the first I have ever have or owned, and I know how to appreciate stuff. I never had money to just spend on questionable and wasteful things as other college kids I have met along the way have done (i.e. rims, jewelry, and expensive clothes). I truly believe in saving, paying off all debts, and only spending money on things you really do need (i.e. groceries, insurance, bills and so on). And even when I do start making money, (hey I am an engineer and after I decide I am finally through with school), I don’t think I am going to start spending lavishly just because I can. Right now in grad school, even with the limited funds and financial setbacks, I am only focusing on my credit card (and only credit card) completely off, and then to turn my focus onto paying off my student loans in the next 5 years (~$25000) so I can be completely debt free. And at the rate things are going in the global economy, I really want to be as debt free as possible.

Stubborn McGEE:

I am a very stubborn person, period. The heater could break down, my pen dries up, my computer goes out and the window in my office could break and let in wonderful rain and cold biting winds, but I tell you I wouldn’t leave until I finished a homework assignment. I used to think my stubbornness was really a measure of my never die and never quit attitude but I come to realize I was probably just being dumb back in my heyday. And the thing about it is, I rather do things the hard way and my way than change them up or try something different, or at least not right away. Oh well, when will I learn? Beats me but I learned a long time ago that things will never come easy for me, whether its school, life, finances, whatever. And I think this attitude that I have has let me enjoy knowing that I have to work for every single thing that I want for my life and not altering the path that I am trying to use to get there. I had a good talk last night with a good of friend of mine’s as I was telling him how I really felt about being in grad school where I am right now. Its been no secret with good friends of mine’s that I have for the most part very unhappy here since school started. Now I guess most people would quit or give up but see, I just plain refused to, no matter how much I complain, how bitter I become, how angry I can get or how frustrated I can become, its just not in my blood, not in my soul and not in my psyche. Of course depending on what I want to do with my life, I might have to go back to the drawing board but hey, the lofty goals I set for myself got to get achieved somehow. And it means that after I get my first master’s, I have to goto an entirely different school, retake some of the classes I have taken here to get a 2nd master’s in what I really want to do, then so be it. I have not come all the way, this far, to be deterred and not encouraged to go after the dreams I want. So see, I suppose me being a stubborn McGee really can come in handy. Especially to help me to get through the rest of my time here.c

The Clumsy Monster

So for some apparent reason, ever since I have been a little girl, I always, always, always at least once a day, manage to spill something on my shirt, sweatshirt, dress, blouse or something similar. I have even found ways to have food, drink, oil spills land on my pants, shoes and socks (don’t even ask how on the socks). I used to think I was just sloppy because that was my uncle was said I was being. But after a while I grew up, but the mishaps of spills upon my clothing did not go away. So it got me thinking, perhaps, just perhaps I am very clumsy. Me being clumsy-is a very shocking revelation for me, why? I always tried to do everything I cannot be clumsy, but do I succeed, usually only about 75% of the time. Every once in a while, I have my moments where I cannot grip a drinking cup correctly, carry only one thing in my hand, hold books whatsoever, drop my eating forks every single time and so and so forth.
And somehow clumsiness seems to follow me. For instance, this past Friday I was at Krogers looking for harcissa paste for this dish I was preparing and I ended up on the aisle with the spaghetti sauces pre-made and this woman next to me picks up like a couple of big jars of Ragu sauce. Then she proceeds to head down the aisle towards the checkout area of the store. Cool right? I turn back to looking at the items and not even 10 seconds later; I hear this loud crash of glass just shattering all over the place. I look back left, the woman has this utter look of disbelief on her face, I was thinking awww, until I looked down at my shoes and realized there was spaghetti sauce all over my left shoe. Its almost as if my shoe was shot with a bullet. Jeesh. She did apologize profusely and I was like that’s ok, don’t worry about it, but dang, even my shoes couldn’t run for cover.
So I figure the only way for me to avoid such things is to have a talk with myself everyday to control this undesirable condition, to wake up every morning and pray that I don’t waste anything, and finally start wearing fashionable bibs or somehow embroider these bibs into my shirts to create a whole new fashion statement and yet not feel guilty about the state of them by the end of the day. Woo-hoo.

That Day of Pure Frustration

Today, I was into day 4 of trying to finish this homework assignment that was actually due yesterday. But as I have been working on it since Sunday, I have felt so frustrated because it’s like homework in one of the few subjects I could care less about-economics. Now I know that is a wrong attitude, since particularly everything as a way of living as we understand it is in part due to economics. I am lost as to why economics has never caught to me like other subjects I enjoy (math, history, geography, political science, engineering, chemistry). But it’s more than just that, I feel like I am not getting the most currently from my graduate education. Now whether its I feel burned out, or feel there is no direction in terms of my research, or just feeling out of place in the first place, I feel like my time can be better doing something else. I dread when I wake up in the morning and knowing that I either have to go to the lab today or go to classes. I feel the classes I have enrolled leave me feeling a bit lackluster, I feel I am just being stringed along with my research group and I feel as if I have nothing to contribute here. I am constantly questioning my aptitude because of the degree of difficulty and lack of progress I make in some of my classes. For the first time in my life, I feel lost and directionless being here. I thought graduate school was supposed to make you feel more scholarly and worldly. I feel as if I am regressing in the skills I possess and the brain cells to enlarge my think capacity. Oh it makes me feel so depressed day in and day out, like why I am torturing myself? The only thing that keeps me company around here is listening to old school music (at the moment it’s Earth, Wind, and Fire). And even though I have reached out to people(students, staff, faculty), I still feel so isolated and alone, which is crazy because I am used to living in solitude at this point, but to be surrounded by all kinds of people at an institution such as this, just doesn’t make sense to me. And to think I have another of year this to put up with. I wish something would happen, some kind of epiphany that will just turn around how I feel, how I learn, how I do research, and just change the plain way how I feel day in and day out.