Wednesday Diatribes of Randomness, 3.0:

Who knew socks could leave such indentations in your skin? Perhaps I need to investigate these socks for post-skin traumatic syndrome because of the markings and patterns embedded in my leg is ridiculous. What kind of socks are these you ask? I don’t know, I happen to find them in my miscellaneous clothing pile that I haven’t exactly went through to see if I still desired after I graduated last May, said f* off to friends and family and hightailed it to North Carolina mightily quickly (with the haste, with the haste). Plus, I ran out of socks today, and because I also was running out of cleans bras (it’s hard when you have limited bras but big boobs), I forced myself to wake up at 7:00am to go wash at the dorm laundry room. I have to admit, it was mighty quiet and there were actually washers and dryers available. Go figure! On another side note, I ran out of water in my 1 liter water I had been chugging on lately and decided to break down and return to drinking the water from the school fountain. Now normally I have no problems with this, but earlier this month, they sent out a notice to the school e-mail basically saying that the local drinking treatment plant in the town was switching the disinfection processes used (with chloramines I believe) to using straight up chlorine for reasons about meeting certain drinking water standards and stuff.. and believe me, since this is the first time for me to use the drinking fountain since the switch, you can taste that wonderful chlorine after-taste (tastes like vodka, not really, disregard the taste like vodka, I might be drinking vodka when I go home to disinfect the chlorine taste in my mouth though). But hey, water is water (until I come down with something but I digress) and cannot complain because for the most part the water is relatively ok to drink. Besides, I am trying to cut down on the real money guzzler habit of buying water bottles. Now that’s a waste of money if there ever was one. At least I try to buy cheap store brand water every time to get by.
There is a fridge in my research lab office that I believe the lab manager turned off or it stopped working or something last semester. Now I haven’t opened it this semester, but the last time I opened it, I think rainbow colored mold and bacteria had began to manifest itself because of certain leftovers and leaked water still present. Of course if I want to do a random experiment before May to test to see what random spontaneous combustible situations could occur between the opened and at this point repugnant refrigerator and common chemicals and gases that are always present in the lab. Now that’s research I could get behind 110%. Hey at least that would be more research I would have conducted in that 1 hour experiment than what I have done since I have been here (and that has been last August, and yet I am due to be out here next May with intentions of defending next semester-go figure).
Today, one of my classmate’s in one of my classes made a continuing effort to talk to me and get a feel about how I really feel about being at this school. And I have to say, she has been the first student (in the actual classes that I take) who has made the effort to try to get to know me since I have been here. Wow, amazing (Note: I have met people and gotten to know people a lot more this semester than what I did last semester. The only thing is they are not in my department let alone in the school that my department is apart of). Man I miss the concept of being at a school that is hardcore engineering. I never thought I would miss it so. I guess the old adage you never know what you got until it’s gone is in some sense reversibly so true. Go figure.
I am on another news (in all its forms) strike this week. After Sunday into Monday, I really wasn’t looking forward to attempt number (I start to lose count here) of proposals by treasurer secretaries/economic “supposed” gurus about trying to dissolve toxic assets. I also was not looking forward to lack of journalism/real news reporting on the so called network news channels that claim to give you accurate or fair or balanced or whatever euphemisms they call it for highly opinionated shitty ass lack of research/depth that they try to pass as journalism nowadays. Damn, perhaps I should have been a journalist after all. I actually like to do research and go into the field. Must be weird as a 24 year old to itch for research as I do (but I wander off this paved rant that I am on).
For some reason, even though T-mobile has made its present felt finally in North Carolina, ( I moved out here when there was no such thing as T-mobile and dropped calls was the norm all summer) but apparently North Carolina is still allergic to T-mobile. ( I say this as I am trying to send a text to my favorite homegirl and even though I have 6 bars (highest number of bars on my phone) I can’t get even get the phone to send back out a text message.) Now I have been patient while T-mobile tries to set up shop here but I figured after at least 8 months that the signaling might be a wee bit better. Apparently not-this month I have to deal with more than usual dropped calls, no bars in the middle of conversation and the subsequent 5 minute hello, hello, hello, chants, and issues sending off text messages. (Note: text messages are my clutch, my go to, my bench player that I need to give me some instant offense since I have limited amount of minutes for the remaining of my cycle due to circumstances that was half-heartedly out of my control so that way I am still able to communicate with people). But I am off my wagon again-dangit. Ok so yeah and of course one may ask me why I am still with T-mobile. Well at the time I signed the renewal contract it was about 2 months before graduation, before I really knew what I would be doing or even where I might be going to grad school at, so now I am in an unfortunate committed relationship and I am stuck in it for another year. (Please let this year go by, fast, but productively fast though).
Well that’s enough for Wednesday diatribes for today. Break time is over me, and I am going back to barbecuing my soul, I mean studying for a midterm I have tomorrow that I really don’t know if I could be ready for. Awww, good times I tell ya, good times!
P.S. I have realized since I have given my creative and artsy side of randomness to all things technical for the last 5 years or so, my ability to write with basic verb-agreement has went out the window. Hopefully by me getting retrained in the art of writing for flow and creativity instead of prospectus reports, I will regain and relearn the subtle and intricate delicacies of the written word-Word.

Music, music, music, where have you gone?

As I was finishing up my undergrad studies, I had to spend plenty of long nights in my computer lab (since that was the only time it seem I could be productive). One of the ways for me to stay alert during these late hours (other than countless and numerous Jack-n-Box runs) was to listen to music. Some of my fellow classmates had pretty extensive music collections loaded onto the lab computers and/or downloaded onto the computers and would play (whether I wanted to be subjected to their taste in music) loud in the computer lab. So on nights that I remembered to bring headphones, I would engage in hours of ear blasting and ear drum thumping of my kind of music (which happens to be a lot of different kinds of music). A friend of mine's tuned me onto the Pandora music channel which I found pretty cool. Before Pandora, I had to depend on yahoo music and their radio player but I became annoyed with yahoo music channel and gradually stopped listening to it. But on Pandora, you were able to create your own music stations and they played songs similar to the artists channel that you had created. Being the kind of person that I am, my station had all kinds of musical channels (jazz, classical, r&b, classic soul, alternative, rock, salsa, meringue, etc.) but it seemed that the only station I found myself listening to the most was classic soul (i.e. Marvin Gaye, Temptations, Stylistics, Dramatics, Aretha, Jackson 5, Martha Reeve and the Vandellas, O'Jays,Otis Redding, you name it) because these songs would make me feel good and focused. Mind you that I am only 24 years old, but I might as well have a musical tastes of people 40 and up. As I grew up in the mid 80s, I thought the music I heard was cool because I used to listen to the new wave and alternative and whatever synthesized beets were created and fused. My uncle had a diverse taste in music and it basically impacted and molded my musical styles. Of course I would listen to alot the artists of the times during the 80s and 90s but at least they were still churning out great music (cue in Jodeci, Boyz II Men, New Edition,112, Sade etc). But now it seems music is just full of crap that stinks worse than someone's dog who had nonstop diarrhea and halitosis. You know music is down the toilet when you have to get today's artists through American Idol. Now granted there are a few artists out there today in 2009 who know how to put out good music but they are so far few and in between. Why? Conspiracy (key in my conspiracy theory)to shove down young's people throats undeserving and highly unqualified "singers" to sell to today's youth that these are real artists, real singers, real rappers, real whatever else of the 21st century. Puh-lease. Its no coincidence when you listen to certain radio stations that cater to certain audiences (urban, youth etc) the frequency upon which you hear the same type of song, the same type of beat, the same type of track over and over all day long. After awhile, its start becoming dull and quite nauseating. And record companies wonder why no one wants to buy music anymore but instead engage in pirating and downloading illegal music. After my extensive CD collection was stolen during my junior year of college, I waited almost 4 years before I even began to think about rebuilding my music collection. And even as I have re bought music at about 65% of what I used to have, I have become downright fickle about what kind music I would actually pay for. Ask any of my friends, and they question the age of my soul because of my collection. At least I still have Youtube (when copyright blockages are not utilized) and Pandora radio. I hope that people of my generation and the generation coming up behind me that what you are fed day in and day out is not real music but systematic brainwashing; and if they happen to listen to music, even as late into the mid and end of the 90s and work their way backwards will they realize how much the music curve had declined tremendously. I still have hope that a music revolution will ensue soon in which the consumer demands better product, not for the sake of what they pay for, but for the sake of their ears (because god knows you are only given one pair to work with and need to make the most of through listening to music).

This is How I feel Day in And day Out

So I am taking a brief respite in order to put down these thoughts that have been constantly racing through my mind today: I am so unhappy where I am right now. At first, when I was struggling in my classes, I thought it had something to do with me just not having the background necessary for the classes I just happened to throw myself in. but then I would go into my research office expecting something that hasn’t quite transpired yet. And then I realize I feel like a ghost at this campus because of my age, too young for most of the constituents in graduate school or too old for the most part for the overall constituency at this campus in general (you know you getting old when kids born in 1990 are now invading college campuses where you attend school at, uh-oh). Needless to say, I feel lost being here, and let me tell you the last time I felt lost and drifting-the day my uncle died. When he died, I felt my whole word stopped moving and begin to move like a fly stuck in molasses. I really believe it took me a year of grieving and a transfer of schools to get back on track. But now I ponder that the energy and enthusiasm for all things scholarly have permanently (or least semi-permanently) taking a back seat. I feel a lot lately that I spent so much time trying to prove to myself (and on a lesser scale to cats who did not think I could do engineering) that I can do engineering, that I am just as capable and bright as the next privileged fellow. I spent countless hours of studying, sacrificed really getting involved in clubs and organizations and literally put myself out in the middle of a cow pasture in order to succeed. I cut ties to family members whether they did or did not have my best interests at heart and pretty much stopped talking to classmates I was relatively cool with and/or close with from high school because I felt they could not relate to the pain I was in every single day my freshman year. And putting all that energy in has awarded me a bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering, the opportunity to obtain a full ride in environmental engineering in graduate school and the chance to get out of Texas. Sadly, after my uncle and grandmother died (and heck even my mother who played about a 0.000001% role in my upbringing) I felt that there was nothing left for me in Texas. My dream, whether naive knowing my uncle and grandmother delicate health situation since I was a kid was to go to school, graduate, get a great job, make lots of money to take care of them so they wouldn’t have to depend on Social Security and disability checks to get by only month to month and basically take them to Hawaii to spend their relaxing days (especially my uncle who was stationed in Hawaii when he was a marine during Vietnam). But now its 2009, and I feel drained. It’s a struggle every single day for me to wake up, get out of bed, and be productive and sustain in this college town. I have a hard time focusing on studying, and there are even days where I don’t just want to read anything academically related. And that is a scary thought for me because I love to read, read, read. But now its not even fun for me anymore to read academic journals, textbooks, scientific articles or notes; and its like what the hell, this is only my second semester of grad school in a master’s program. And I am thinking to myself, well hell if you feel like this now, why are you still hell bent obtaining a PhD? I hesitated to tell any of my close friends about how I really feel day in and day out because I am pretty sure they would tell me I am being a whiner and I need to suck it up and stop complaining cause I got a full ride to graduate school. And I understand that perfectly clear, but it’s something about this place that just sucks the life out of you. I wish I could pin point what it is but I can’t.
(Classic and current example of how I feel: I have been trying to reread this same paper that summarizes about interpretation of recorded data related to climate change, and this is day 4 of me trying to get through this paper. The content of the paper is not difficult to comprehend, it’s just my mind is doing a hell of a job of blocking the sensors in my brain from absorbing and storing the information that is necessary for this one particular class. Now take that and multiply that by 4 and that is how I feel in all my classes and research. It just makes me want to turn on the faucets in my eyes everyday because I feel inferior day in and day out and a failure because I am not getting the material. Oh well, I guess its back to attempt number 5 of reading this paper. Hopefully I can finally catch up in reading for this class by tomorrow’s lecture, even though I seriously doubt it. I will prolly have to seek refuge in the rec center in a couple of hours from now, at least I won’t be tempted to continue to overeat or consume any vodka tonight.)

What Ever Happen to Reporting the news as news?

So I have been on boycott this past week from watching any news or sportscenter. Why or how did this start? Well last Saturday I was working out at the rec center early in the evening at my school. And these rec centers are the types that are decked out with all the latest and newest fitness equipment (cardio, weights, bikes you name it) plus tvs with satellite cable throughout the fitness room. After I got through huffing and puffing on the treadmill on the hills mode (hills ain’t no joke), I saw the breaking news on ESPN moving ticker. A-roid had admitted to using steroids from 2001-2003 when he was playing for the Texas Rangers. ( I will save the baseroids story for another day, since baseball is my favorite sport). And so looking at the ticker (I mean how else am I suppose to know college basketball scores?) it kept repeating nonstick on A-roid. Like that was all I could see. When they went to commercials on the basketball game I had been watching, their top story/breaking news was on him. It was like, gosh jolly so another one was dirty ok move on. But the sports ticker wouldn’t get off, so I got annoyed. Ok here comes Sunday morning. Now I am a self-admitted political junkie. You can ask my close friends what I whether be doing on a Friday night instead of hitting the club. So anyways, I first watch This Week on ABC, then if I can catch it, sometimes Meet the Press. With This Week, they had talked about the “stimulus” bill in the Senate, and in between that, George Stephanolous (I know, misspelled terribly) had interview Michael Steele, and some of the answers that Mr. Steele was providing left my head scratching and a bit less intelligent, but I digress. Next, I tuned the TV to CNN and after watching the news for not even 30 minutes, I was terribly disgusted with the stories being reported, or how terrible the stories seemed to be reported. Later on after that and before I started studying, I read some online newspaper (i.e. Houston Chronicle, New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune) and the headlines, the stories and the bloggers responses to the stories just made my internal thermometer bubble even more. After this, I declared to myself, I am on strike from the news. It’s the same stories over and over and over and then you listen to the headlines, all negative all negative all the freaking time. And if you watch something repeatedly negative, you begin to become negative or more cynical than usual. And that is what happened to me. And the straw that broke the camel’s back: the breaking news about the whole Chris Brown and Rihanna situation (another blog for another day). So I turned the tv off, stepped away and shut down all news and political websites, and just started doing other stuff. And as the week went by, I realized, hey this is not so bad, not watching the news all the time. Plus with me not watching the news for one week, I am still informed than probably over 90% of Americans anyways.
But I digress, I realized for a very long time (since I was in middle school) that sensation only sells, and be damn the truth. I remember how I wanted to be a journalist for a minute because of my passion and devotion to writing and expressing one’s thoughts. I also thought that being a journalist was an excellent endeavor because of the research, the background information and verification of all sources before you ran with a story. But nowadays, newspapers seem to get their news from entertainment, politically leaning and biased sources and gossip newspapers. And it’s a shame because the artistry that went with journalism in the American medium seems to be all but dead in the 21st century. All news channels seem to be just the plain devil because of the continuous loop of reporting the same stories over and over, and more and more interjections of personal and political opinions instead of just sticking to the facts.
So what is a girl to do once her moratorium ceases to exist on Sunday? I don’t know but heaven help me. It’s getting hard to find any facts and details anymore in a story.