Wowsers

Wowsers, I did not realize the gap from my last entry to now, and given how I manage to average about 15 posts a month thus far, I have a feeling I will miss my average target. This is fine and dandy with me, especially given how April seems to be in overdrive. Classes end officially next week, and finals are right around the corner, and I have been lucky to have classes in which the finals were in the form of presentations and papers, sans 1. But don't be fooled by that, I am learning that the hard way. But regardless, I had to cancel plans I had made like 2 weeks (2 weeks in advance mind you) last weekend for Easter weekend to fix that particular homework. What happened was I received back a homework assignment pretty darn late, and it made a pretty big impact in preventing me even starting the next homework assignment related to it (because of all those wonderful mistakes in it), and that next assignment was due the following week. To make matters worse, when I was actually considering saying f it and take off out of town, a pretty bad thunderstorm, with big bad winds, clouds, thunder and nearby tornadoes(as in next state over, but I take these things seriously, ok?) swept through the area,which all but made a mice out of me and made me stay in at the crib. Needless to say, the very next day, around 3:30pm, I went into my icebox (a.k.a. my lab office) and stayed there until 3:30am the next morning. As you can see, its not as if I had hot dates lined up to compensate for said stay in the lab. It was pretty cool, I got a lot work of done that I probably would not normally do on any other given weekend. (Correction, THAT I HAVE NEVER DONE SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN GRAD SCHOOL). Hopefully I will be able to maximize either my Saturday or Sunday with said diligence. I just always loved, since I have been in school (taking it back to even my elementary days) when it seemed that throughout the semester the workload had always been lightweight like a feather, and all of a sudden with a month of school left to go, all the elephants and wildebeests seem to come down the grassy plains to give me some very unnecessary headaches and stress. But I have been doing good, and I have been getting by ok, even though my hair has taken a beaten. I didn't realize how real my hair would get without having put any kind of chemical relaxers in my hair since the new year has been in play (and since November if you want to get all technical and stuff). I can't wait though until school is out for me, because then all I have to look forward to is packing like crazy and driving like crazy and turning around and getting ready for this summer internship. Ha, so this is what I signed up for eh? Its cool though, ya dig? Well its back to trying to refocus my mind to keep working for another 5 to 10 hours on this homework assignment that's actually due today that I just started on, like today. (That's how time consuming the last 2 homeworks I had for this same class has been for me.In addition, I have averaged being in a computer lab on this computer program for at least 8 hours everyday this week.)Wish me luck, and hopefully by the end of next week, I will be able to start winding down, in the form of eating less paper and porcupine quills, perhaps, you know?

ok ok ok

So, as I sit in my on campus apartment watching the National Championship game, I realized that since its already past 11pm, I won't be going back to studying since I am trying to watch the game. Then I am still debating should I make my way over to Franklin Street for the excessive and hyperactive celebrations that will be going on after the game. Naw prolly not, I really am allergic to large crowds and the ignorance that can erupt at any moment. Its amazing how I did not lose my cool whatsoever while I was at the inauguration in January. I think if it wasn't for the fact that I was with my good friends, soror sisters, and honorary member, I would have been ready to go self-implode. So I said all that to say, I had a thought for my next blog topic, but my eyelids would not permit me to write it. So here goes tonight latest personal a-la-personal tat. I have never had a preference for guys, well any kind of explicit preference. This has been the case with the type of guys I have liked or fooled around with over the years. I don't know if it makes a difference whether there are certain defined qualities one would look for in a mate. I figure with some of my acquaintances, they would go for certain looks, certain lifestyle, or certain monetary attachments. But that never has been me. I think that my eclectic taste in men would have something to do with why I have issues with men as it is. I mean in general I go for black men and sometimes hispanic men(well just mainly Dominican, Puerto Rican from time to time, some others from time to time). I really don't have a height requirement, I realized that damn near any guy I meet over 95% of the time is going to be taller than me (I'm only 5'3). I seem to be a sucker for guys that wears glasses, I guess it just flashes intelligence to me (even though I know that's always the case). I also seem to like physics majors, ha go figure. I also have a tendency to be attracted to younger guys at this point or guys no older than 5 years than I am. So its like my cutoff period is 21-29 (maybe an exception for a 20 or a 30 year old). I remember this 34 year old man was trying to holla at me, the age thing bothered me from the get go but his stalker like tendencies even freaked me out even more. I also tend to gravitate to light skinned brothers, seems to be my Achilles heel at times (but don't think all the time), but even that doesn't trip me out too much. I do wonder why I seem to have a particular inkling for younger guys. Is it some kind of time warp I am stuck in, is it I really didn't realize the guy age, I was too busy oogling, or do my eyes really be playing tricks on me and people aren't quite as they seem? I blame that on the foods we eat with that last question about people not seeming to be quite who you thought they would be. But I will save that for another day. Well, the game is almost over, time for me to decide to go out and wonder about or just chill...

April Showers, Fools and I.D. Card part 2...

Picking up from part 1, so I am at the library, all the way on the top freaking floor going on a book safari for these books I needed for my research paper. I had a few of those back and forward moments looking for all the books because I didn't realize that the different call numbers on these books were all located on the same floor. So after obtaining all the books I needed, I proceeded to hop on back to the elevator, with books in one hand, backpack on thy shoulders and my student I.D. card in my other hand, ready to head to the circulation desk to checkout my latest books I found. While I was on the elevator heading down, I realized that the ride down was smooth (no one got on or off, no random elevator noises). So because of this smoothness, I started singing in the elevator (mind you it was just me), I believe I was singing “Here with Me” by Dido because that is one of my favorite songs to listen and sing to. So as the elevator stops on the 1st floor, I collect myself, and proceeded to get off the elevator. Some reason, I had to look out the elevator with caution, and as soon as I felt that all systems were a-go, I started to walk out of the elevator. But apparently the elevator either thought I was being too cautious getting off of it or it was in a bad mood or that the elevator doors just felt like hitting me. So yeah, the elevator door hits my left hand, which happen to hold my i.d. card, and next thing I knew, my i.d. card was out of my hands, apparently when the card fell, it fell in the gap in which the elevator door opens and closes along, and I could hear my i.d. card as it went down, echoing down the elevator shaft, singing to me (and I kid you not) "Bye, Bye, Bye" by N-Sync. I had this utter look of surprise, what the fuck and shitting bricks occurring all simultaneously. I could not believe what just happened with the elevator and what did to me and my student i.d. card. Realizing now that Houston we may have a problem, I had to go up to the circulation desk (Because that was the only way I was going to be able to check out these books)and ask for help. So I told the lady at the circulation desk what happened and she grabbed some keys and went to head to the basement to see if she could my i.d. card. So as she was gone, my mind was temporarily blank, to put it nicely. When she came back, she told me that the card probably ended up on the sub-sub-sub basement in the building and that they had no way of getting to it. (I was like shit). So she told me I am probably going to need to get an I.D. card, but that I could check out the library books by just showing another picture i.d. Well, because of my paranoia of losing my license/wallet really, I didn't have it on me, so I had to trek 2 buses back to my apartment to get my driver's license and trek another buses back to the library. I was able to get my library books, but in the midst of me getting back and forward, I realized that the building where my office is at automatically after 7pm (and it was already past 7pm) and that I needed card access to get to the floor my office is on. So I was like dammit, so first I had to trek back to my apartment and eat because my body was telling me that you might want to eat again, it’s been 12 hours already. After I ate, I was debating whether to take a chance to trek to my office, pray that the security guard was actually on duty, and use my infectious smile in hopes they would let me in. But in the long run, I decided to stay at the crib, read the books I had checked out for my research and jot some notes. But unfortunately, about 20 minutes later, I was knocked out on the couch, asleep. I had to go on ahead and call it a night at 10:30pm last night. But at least I woke up at 6am this morning to get the day going by getting my i.d. card replaced. (which is another side funny story in itself that I will save for a little later)

April Showers, Fools, and blasted I.D. Card-part 1

I had one of those "Ain't that a b^&%*" moments yesterday afternoon and through the evening. So the day got kicked off by me debating should I goto the weekly seminar series hosted by my department or go meet with the fellowship representative who happen to be on campus on yesterday over at the graduate center. Even though I actually wanted to go see this particular environmental law professor speak, I knew I had to go meet the representative from my fellowship consortium, cause you know, they are paying my way to be here (i.e. THEY ARE THE ONLY REASON WHY I EVEN HAVE FUNDING FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL!). SO I went, and she was there, along with the diversity coordinator for the graduate school and the student affairs rep. So essentially, the conversation was initially about protocol, paperwork, tuition and stipend being paid and so forth. And for some reason, I felt I had to give the people there a "Let me tell how I really feel" dialogue. I don't know what possessed me, but it seemed as if something in my mind was telling me its time to open up and express how I have felt thus far at this institution during my first year of grad school. And I tell you, I didn't realize how easy it would be for me to open up about my frustrations and growing sense (at times) of apathy for the institution, the department, and my program in general. Everyone seem to have this look upon their faces of wow, I did not know that was how you really felt. Now the diversity coordinator, I had talked to him on several occasions of certain incidents that occurred and he offered me advice. I hadn't told him of all the "wonderful" events that happened to me this semester. Needless to say, they were telling me that I should not feel apathetic, I should be receiving better mentoring from my adviser, that I should probably have some kind of definitive research topic by now and other things I brought up. Long story short, I have felt so much better, so much opened, so much, like my old me, that I had repressed in some way since I have been here.

It felt gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!!!! Anyway, so after that meeting, I headed to my research lab, and proceeded to get to work on this research paper for one of my classes that I got to get done. Then when it got closer to 5pm, I headed off to the soccer fields because I had an intramural softball game. Of course for a second Wednesday in a roll, the weather was just downright dreary and wicked with light sprinkles of raindrops. I was not totally a happy camper because I just washed my hair the night before and usually am not a big fan of getting wet because normally I get sick afterward. So I get to the softball fields, started throwing around with one of my teammates, ready to play,when we found out that we didn't have a game because one of the teams had been consistently forfeiting. So we ended up scrimmaging with each other, and I had a great time because I was catching pop-ups, and fielding good and throwing even relatively well. I miss playing softball, a lot. So after the scrimmaging and someone helping me get my softball back after it was hit into the construction site next to the fields, I proceeded to head to the main library on campus to check out books for my research paper. And let the adventure begin...

Wednesday Diatribes of Randomness, 3.0:

Who knew socks could leave such indentations in your skin? Perhaps I need to investigate these socks for post-skin traumatic syndrome because of the markings and patterns embedded in my leg is ridiculous. What kind of socks are these you ask? I don’t know, I happen to find them in my miscellaneous clothing pile that I haven’t exactly went through to see if I still desired after I graduated last May, said f* off to friends and family and hightailed it to North Carolina mightily quickly (with the haste, with the haste). Plus, I ran out of socks today, and because I also was running out of cleans bras (it’s hard when you have limited bras but big boobs), I forced myself to wake up at 7:00am to go wash at the dorm laundry room. I have to admit, it was mighty quiet and there were actually washers and dryers available. Go figure! On another side note, I ran out of water in my 1 liter water I had been chugging on lately and decided to break down and return to drinking the water from the school fountain. Now normally I have no problems with this, but earlier this month, they sent out a notice to the school e-mail basically saying that the local drinking treatment plant in the town was switching the disinfection processes used (with chloramines I believe) to using straight up chlorine for reasons about meeting certain drinking water standards and stuff.. and believe me, since this is the first time for me to use the drinking fountain since the switch, you can taste that wonderful chlorine after-taste (tastes like vodka, not really, disregard the taste like vodka, I might be drinking vodka when I go home to disinfect the chlorine taste in my mouth though). But hey, water is water (until I come down with something but I digress) and cannot complain because for the most part the water is relatively ok to drink. Besides, I am trying to cut down on the real money guzzler habit of buying water bottles. Now that’s a waste of money if there ever was one. At least I try to buy cheap store brand water every time to get by.
There is a fridge in my research lab office that I believe the lab manager turned off or it stopped working or something last semester. Now I haven’t opened it this semester, but the last time I opened it, I think rainbow colored mold and bacteria had began to manifest itself because of certain leftovers and leaked water still present. Of course if I want to do a random experiment before May to test to see what random spontaneous combustible situations could occur between the opened and at this point repugnant refrigerator and common chemicals and gases that are always present in the lab. Now that’s research I could get behind 110%. Hey at least that would be more research I would have conducted in that 1 hour experiment than what I have done since I have been here (and that has been last August, and yet I am due to be out here next May with intentions of defending next semester-go figure).
Today, one of my classmate’s in one of my classes made a continuing effort to talk to me and get a feel about how I really feel about being at this school. And I have to say, she has been the first student (in the actual classes that I take) who has made the effort to try to get to know me since I have been here. Wow, amazing (Note: I have met people and gotten to know people a lot more this semester than what I did last semester. The only thing is they are not in my department let alone in the school that my department is apart of). Man I miss the concept of being at a school that is hardcore engineering. I never thought I would miss it so. I guess the old adage you never know what you got until it’s gone is in some sense reversibly so true. Go figure.
I am on another news (in all its forms) strike this week. After Sunday into Monday, I really wasn’t looking forward to attempt number (I start to lose count here) of proposals by treasurer secretaries/economic “supposed” gurus about trying to dissolve toxic assets. I also was not looking forward to lack of journalism/real news reporting on the so called network news channels that claim to give you accurate or fair or balanced or whatever euphemisms they call it for highly opinionated shitty ass lack of research/depth that they try to pass as journalism nowadays. Damn, perhaps I should have been a journalist after all. I actually like to do research and go into the field. Must be weird as a 24 year old to itch for research as I do (but I wander off this paved rant that I am on).
For some reason, even though T-mobile has made its present felt finally in North Carolina, ( I moved out here when there was no such thing as T-mobile and dropped calls was the norm all summer) but apparently North Carolina is still allergic to T-mobile. ( I say this as I am trying to send a text to my favorite homegirl and even though I have 6 bars (highest number of bars on my phone) I can’t get even get the phone to send back out a text message.) Now I have been patient while T-mobile tries to set up shop here but I figured after at least 8 months that the signaling might be a wee bit better. Apparently not-this month I have to deal with more than usual dropped calls, no bars in the middle of conversation and the subsequent 5 minute hello, hello, hello, chants, and issues sending off text messages. (Note: text messages are my clutch, my go to, my bench player that I need to give me some instant offense since I have limited amount of minutes for the remaining of my cycle due to circumstances that was half-heartedly out of my control so that way I am still able to communicate with people). But I am off my wagon again-dangit. Ok so yeah and of course one may ask me why I am still with T-mobile. Well at the time I signed the renewal contract it was about 2 months before graduation, before I really knew what I would be doing or even where I might be going to grad school at, so now I am in an unfortunate committed relationship and I am stuck in it for another year. (Please let this year go by, fast, but productively fast though).
Well that’s enough for Wednesday diatribes for today. Break time is over me, and I am going back to barbecuing my soul, I mean studying for a midterm I have tomorrow that I really don’t know if I could be ready for. Awww, good times I tell ya, good times!
P.S. I have realized since I have given my creative and artsy side of randomness to all things technical for the last 5 years or so, my ability to write with basic verb-agreement has went out the window. Hopefully by me getting retrained in the art of writing for flow and creativity instead of prospectus reports, I will regain and relearn the subtle and intricate delicacies of the written word-Word.

Me, J, and M

Who is J and M you may ask? I started college during the fall of 2003. The summer before I started my freshman year, my uncle who raised me had saved enough money to try to get me a car for college. I wanted a dodge neon or something small to get me from place to place but the dealer had pissed my uncle off so then we ended up at a Chrysler dealership and there I ended up with a Sebring (aka Seabiscuit). Now at first, I was not entirely too big of fan of the car, I thought it was a bit big for me and my needs and the car was an automatic. When I got my license, I used my uncle’s pickup truck with a crutch. And I loved driving that truck and just relishing driving a stick. I figured not too many people; especially females knew how to drive with a clutch. Anyways, so you know with car in hand, I started driving it. I don’t think I really appreciated the car too much early on because I was still relatively closed to home but yet stayed on campus. I really didn’t drive it much and when I did, it seemed I ended up taking my homegirls and hitting the clubs on every other weekends or something to that effect. It wasn’t until my uncle had died during the second semester of my freshman year and just going through turmoil that the car literally became all I had ( I know that is a weird concept to think about it is). My car was at my uncle’s house the day he died. So even if my uncle had called for help, I couldn’t get there to save him because I didn’t have a way back home just right away. So anyways, needless to say, after some wrangling with the car company, I managed to somehow to find a way to make the car payments to keep the car. And I tell you that were not always easy to do, and yet I chose to undertake this challenge and keep the car since my uncle really wanted me to have the car. So over time, my car became my moving house on wheels. I practically used my car to move around Houston a lot, go on long road trips to sometimes get away from Texas, to get to work at the jobs I was trying to work at to just scrape by and just all kinds of stories. My car and I ended up in car accidents, pulled over by cops, (I had a very high tendency to speed, a lot, and I mean a lot) and even to be broken into and wheel jacked. (so at this apartment complex that I had been staying at that was not necessarily the best apartment complex to stay at but the rent was cheap, the day I was leaving for a NSBE conference, my friend and I come out of the complex to get ready to pack my car to head towards the school when I came out and said calmly to my friend, I don’t think we are going anywhere today, and I pointed to my car, and someone (or some persons) stole all 4 tires and the factory rims (factory yall, nothing special at all, simply hubcaps) and left my car entirely on cement blocks. Needless to say that was not a good day for me at all nor did I had a good time at the NSBE conference when I finally got out there to it. But I certainly did not stay at that apartment complex very long afterwards, got out of the lease early without being penalized and have never looked back). At this point, me and car have been through so much, and during the summer when I was in Indiana doing this research project, I decided to name my car J upon my lone drive back to Texas. Simply J is the middle initial of my late uncle. Because I have felt that he has somehow this whole watched over me and my car. This will be the 6th year in July since I have had my car, and I hope to get another great 5 to 10 years out of it. I will be really sad when I am forced to have to actually go get another car or truck because it just won’t be the same. Last summer I was able to fully pay the car loan off and after some time and changing the title to my name, was able to get the official title to my seabiscuit showing that I was the rightful owner of it.
M:
Being raised my uncle and grandmother as I was growing up, we were really poor. We barely got by, only living month to month, always 1 bad event away from being in the shithole for a really really long time. So I never really had a home computer. One of my uncle’s brothers told me that I was really going to need a laptop when I started college. Of course we didn’t really have the money for some top of the line stuff so he managed to get me laptop from one of his friend’s who had an extra laptop and sold it to me for about $900 or so. This included getting all of the software, spyware, adware and a bunch other programs installed. Now I am no computer expert, but I presume that the lifespan of a laptop is not really long. But somehow my Dell latitude did not get the memo, because this is going on 6 of me owning this laptop. And at this point, it is really on its last leg. One of the hinges that closes the laptop has completely broken off from the rest of the computer, several keys are missing, the mouse doesn’t work too well, its super duper slower than molasses (it’s a Pentium 3 and I am guessing that is old), I had to buy a 7 port multi USB in order for me to hook up my USB stick, my printer, my wireless internet adapter and camera adapter too. Because the laptop bottom would get hot super easy, I bought this computer fan in which I would sit the laptop on to keep it from getting as hot. I had that fan until it finally wore out this past summer. It takes it about a good 20 minutes to turn on and get started and the CPU usage of it when I open the windows task manager is nearly at 100% all the time. I have to be patient and not open too many programs at once or click on too many things at once or the laptop will freeze. During my first semester of grad school, I was frustrated with my laptop because I couldn’t do my homework on it, so I had to learn how to bus or hoof it to the multiple computer labs here on campus so I could finish my homework. I would a lot of my late nights at the 24 hour undergraduate library using their computers just to get work done and take care of everything else. But despite all of this, and getting some helpful advice when I do get ready to buy my next laptop, I just couldn’t bring myself to buy one right away. I love M (or Methuselah) because its just as part of me as I am apart of it. And I truly do believe me that unless its broke and totally unsalvageable, that I am going to continue to use things until I have to get something new. Call me stubborn, extremely cheap or lazy, but I really appreciate the things that I have or had to fight to get or to keep because stuff that I have, it’s the first I have ever have or owned, and I know how to appreciate stuff. I never had money to just spend on questionable and wasteful things as other college kids I have met along the way have done (i.e. rims, jewelry, and expensive clothes). I truly believe in saving, paying off all debts, and only spending money on things you really do need (i.e. groceries, insurance, bills and so on). And even when I do start making money, (hey I am an engineer and after I decide I am finally through with school), I don’t think I am going to start spending lavishly just because I can. Right now in grad school, even with the limited funds and financial setbacks, I am only focusing on my credit card (and only credit card) completely off, and then to turn my focus onto paying off my student loans in the next 5 years (~$25000) so I can be completely debt free. And at the rate things are going in the global economy, I really want to be as debt free as possible.

That Day of Pure Frustration

Today, I was into day 4 of trying to finish this homework assignment that was actually due yesterday. But as I have been working on it since Sunday, I have felt so frustrated because it’s like homework in one of the few subjects I could care less about-economics. Now I know that is a wrong attitude, since particularly everything as a way of living as we understand it is in part due to economics. I am lost as to why economics has never caught to me like other subjects I enjoy (math, history, geography, political science, engineering, chemistry). But it’s more than just that, I feel like I am not getting the most currently from my graduate education. Now whether its I feel burned out, or feel there is no direction in terms of my research, or just feeling out of place in the first place, I feel like my time can be better doing something else. I dread when I wake up in the morning and knowing that I either have to go to the lab today or go to classes. I feel the classes I have enrolled leave me feeling a bit lackluster, I feel I am just being stringed along with my research group and I feel as if I have nothing to contribute here. I am constantly questioning my aptitude because of the degree of difficulty and lack of progress I make in some of my classes. For the first time in my life, I feel lost and directionless being here. I thought graduate school was supposed to make you feel more scholarly and worldly. I feel as if I am regressing in the skills I possess and the brain cells to enlarge my think capacity. Oh it makes me feel so depressed day in and day out, like why I am torturing myself? The only thing that keeps me company around here is listening to old school music (at the moment it’s Earth, Wind, and Fire). And even though I have reached out to people(students, staff, faculty), I still feel so isolated and alone, which is crazy because I am used to living in solitude at this point, but to be surrounded by all kinds of people at an institution such as this, just doesn’t make sense to me. And to think I have another of year this to put up with. I wish something would happen, some kind of epiphany that will just turn around how I feel, how I learn, how I do research, and just change the plain way how I feel day in and day out.