Wowsers

Wowsers, I did not realize the gap from my last entry to now, and given how I manage to average about 15 posts a month thus far, I have a feeling I will miss my average target. This is fine and dandy with me, especially given how April seems to be in overdrive. Classes end officially next week, and finals are right around the corner, and I have been lucky to have classes in which the finals were in the form of presentations and papers, sans 1. But don't be fooled by that, I am learning that the hard way. But regardless, I had to cancel plans I had made like 2 weeks (2 weeks in advance mind you) last weekend for Easter weekend to fix that particular homework. What happened was I received back a homework assignment pretty darn late, and it made a pretty big impact in preventing me even starting the next homework assignment related to it (because of all those wonderful mistakes in it), and that next assignment was due the following week. To make matters worse, when I was actually considering saying f it and take off out of town, a pretty bad thunderstorm, with big bad winds, clouds, thunder and nearby tornadoes(as in next state over, but I take these things seriously, ok?) swept through the area,which all but made a mice out of me and made me stay in at the crib. Needless to say, the very next day, around 3:30pm, I went into my icebox (a.k.a. my lab office) and stayed there until 3:30am the next morning. As you can see, its not as if I had hot dates lined up to compensate for said stay in the lab. It was pretty cool, I got a lot work of done that I probably would not normally do on any other given weekend. (Correction, THAT I HAVE NEVER DONE SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN GRAD SCHOOL). Hopefully I will be able to maximize either my Saturday or Sunday with said diligence. I just always loved, since I have been in school (taking it back to even my elementary days) when it seemed that throughout the semester the workload had always been lightweight like a feather, and all of a sudden with a month of school left to go, all the elephants and wildebeests seem to come down the grassy plains to give me some very unnecessary headaches and stress. But I have been doing good, and I have been getting by ok, even though my hair has taken a beaten. I didn't realize how real my hair would get without having put any kind of chemical relaxers in my hair since the new year has been in play (and since November if you want to get all technical and stuff). I can't wait though until school is out for me, because then all I have to look forward to is packing like crazy and driving like crazy and turning around and getting ready for this summer internship. Ha, so this is what I signed up for eh? Its cool though, ya dig? Well its back to trying to refocus my mind to keep working for another 5 to 10 hours on this homework assignment that's actually due today that I just started on, like today. (That's how time consuming the last 2 homeworks I had for this same class has been for me.In addition, I have averaged being in a computer lab on this computer program for at least 8 hours everyday this week.)Wish me luck, and hopefully by the end of next week, I will be able to start winding down, in the form of eating less paper and porcupine quills, perhaps, you know?

April Showers, Fools, and blasted I.D. Card-part 1

I had one of those "Ain't that a b^&%*" moments yesterday afternoon and through the evening. So the day got kicked off by me debating should I goto the weekly seminar series hosted by my department or go meet with the fellowship representative who happen to be on campus on yesterday over at the graduate center. Even though I actually wanted to go see this particular environmental law professor speak, I knew I had to go meet the representative from my fellowship consortium, cause you know, they are paying my way to be here (i.e. THEY ARE THE ONLY REASON WHY I EVEN HAVE FUNDING FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL!). SO I went, and she was there, along with the diversity coordinator for the graduate school and the student affairs rep. So essentially, the conversation was initially about protocol, paperwork, tuition and stipend being paid and so forth. And for some reason, I felt I had to give the people there a "Let me tell how I really feel" dialogue. I don't know what possessed me, but it seemed as if something in my mind was telling me its time to open up and express how I have felt thus far at this institution during my first year of grad school. And I tell you, I didn't realize how easy it would be for me to open up about my frustrations and growing sense (at times) of apathy for the institution, the department, and my program in general. Everyone seem to have this look upon their faces of wow, I did not know that was how you really felt. Now the diversity coordinator, I had talked to him on several occasions of certain incidents that occurred and he offered me advice. I hadn't told him of all the "wonderful" events that happened to me this semester. Needless to say, they were telling me that I should not feel apathetic, I should be receiving better mentoring from my adviser, that I should probably have some kind of definitive research topic by now and other things I brought up. Long story short, I have felt so much better, so much opened, so much, like my old me, that I had repressed in some way since I have been here.

It felt gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!!!! Anyway, so after that meeting, I headed to my research lab, and proceeded to get to work on this research paper for one of my classes that I got to get done. Then when it got closer to 5pm, I headed off to the soccer fields because I had an intramural softball game. Of course for a second Wednesday in a roll, the weather was just downright dreary and wicked with light sprinkles of raindrops. I was not totally a happy camper because I just washed my hair the night before and usually am not a big fan of getting wet because normally I get sick afterward. So I get to the softball fields, started throwing around with one of my teammates, ready to play,when we found out that we didn't have a game because one of the teams had been consistently forfeiting. So we ended up scrimmaging with each other, and I had a great time because I was catching pop-ups, and fielding good and throwing even relatively well. I miss playing softball, a lot. So after the scrimmaging and someone helping me get my softball back after it was hit into the construction site next to the fields, I proceeded to head to the main library on campus to check out books for my research paper. And let the adventure begin...

Wednesday Diatribes of Randomness, 3.0:

Who knew socks could leave such indentations in your skin? Perhaps I need to investigate these socks for post-skin traumatic syndrome because of the markings and patterns embedded in my leg is ridiculous. What kind of socks are these you ask? I don’t know, I happen to find them in my miscellaneous clothing pile that I haven’t exactly went through to see if I still desired after I graduated last May, said f* off to friends and family and hightailed it to North Carolina mightily quickly (with the haste, with the haste). Plus, I ran out of socks today, and because I also was running out of cleans bras (it’s hard when you have limited bras but big boobs), I forced myself to wake up at 7:00am to go wash at the dorm laundry room. I have to admit, it was mighty quiet and there were actually washers and dryers available. Go figure! On another side note, I ran out of water in my 1 liter water I had been chugging on lately and decided to break down and return to drinking the water from the school fountain. Now normally I have no problems with this, but earlier this month, they sent out a notice to the school e-mail basically saying that the local drinking treatment plant in the town was switching the disinfection processes used (with chloramines I believe) to using straight up chlorine for reasons about meeting certain drinking water standards and stuff.. and believe me, since this is the first time for me to use the drinking fountain since the switch, you can taste that wonderful chlorine after-taste (tastes like vodka, not really, disregard the taste like vodka, I might be drinking vodka when I go home to disinfect the chlorine taste in my mouth though). But hey, water is water (until I come down with something but I digress) and cannot complain because for the most part the water is relatively ok to drink. Besides, I am trying to cut down on the real money guzzler habit of buying water bottles. Now that’s a waste of money if there ever was one. At least I try to buy cheap store brand water every time to get by.
There is a fridge in my research lab office that I believe the lab manager turned off or it stopped working or something last semester. Now I haven’t opened it this semester, but the last time I opened it, I think rainbow colored mold and bacteria had began to manifest itself because of certain leftovers and leaked water still present. Of course if I want to do a random experiment before May to test to see what random spontaneous combustible situations could occur between the opened and at this point repugnant refrigerator and common chemicals and gases that are always present in the lab. Now that’s research I could get behind 110%. Hey at least that would be more research I would have conducted in that 1 hour experiment than what I have done since I have been here (and that has been last August, and yet I am due to be out here next May with intentions of defending next semester-go figure).
Today, one of my classmate’s in one of my classes made a continuing effort to talk to me and get a feel about how I really feel about being at this school. And I have to say, she has been the first student (in the actual classes that I take) who has made the effort to try to get to know me since I have been here. Wow, amazing (Note: I have met people and gotten to know people a lot more this semester than what I did last semester. The only thing is they are not in my department let alone in the school that my department is apart of). Man I miss the concept of being at a school that is hardcore engineering. I never thought I would miss it so. I guess the old adage you never know what you got until it’s gone is in some sense reversibly so true. Go figure.
I am on another news (in all its forms) strike this week. After Sunday into Monday, I really wasn’t looking forward to attempt number (I start to lose count here) of proposals by treasurer secretaries/economic “supposed” gurus about trying to dissolve toxic assets. I also was not looking forward to lack of journalism/real news reporting on the so called network news channels that claim to give you accurate or fair or balanced or whatever euphemisms they call it for highly opinionated shitty ass lack of research/depth that they try to pass as journalism nowadays. Damn, perhaps I should have been a journalist after all. I actually like to do research and go into the field. Must be weird as a 24 year old to itch for research as I do (but I wander off this paved rant that I am on).
For some reason, even though T-mobile has made its present felt finally in North Carolina, ( I moved out here when there was no such thing as T-mobile and dropped calls was the norm all summer) but apparently North Carolina is still allergic to T-mobile. ( I say this as I am trying to send a text to my favorite homegirl and even though I have 6 bars (highest number of bars on my phone) I can’t get even get the phone to send back out a text message.) Now I have been patient while T-mobile tries to set up shop here but I figured after at least 8 months that the signaling might be a wee bit better. Apparently not-this month I have to deal with more than usual dropped calls, no bars in the middle of conversation and the subsequent 5 minute hello, hello, hello, chants, and issues sending off text messages. (Note: text messages are my clutch, my go to, my bench player that I need to give me some instant offense since I have limited amount of minutes for the remaining of my cycle due to circumstances that was half-heartedly out of my control so that way I am still able to communicate with people). But I am off my wagon again-dangit. Ok so yeah and of course one may ask me why I am still with T-mobile. Well at the time I signed the renewal contract it was about 2 months before graduation, before I really knew what I would be doing or even where I might be going to grad school at, so now I am in an unfortunate committed relationship and I am stuck in it for another year. (Please let this year go by, fast, but productively fast though).
Well that’s enough for Wednesday diatribes for today. Break time is over me, and I am going back to barbecuing my soul, I mean studying for a midterm I have tomorrow that I really don’t know if I could be ready for. Awww, good times I tell ya, good times!
P.S. I have realized since I have given my creative and artsy side of randomness to all things technical for the last 5 years or so, my ability to write with basic verb-agreement has went out the window. Hopefully by me getting retrained in the art of writing for flow and creativity instead of prospectus reports, I will regain and relearn the subtle and intricate delicacies of the written word-Word.

Sunday Wrap-up of randomness

That’s why I don’t feel enthusiastic about this group project because I feel as if I am not contributing any original ideas to the project. Write a portion of the paper that’s already been done already. What is my role? What I am contributing? What am I learning? Not a damn thing period. Hence the less than enthusiasm to do this assignment. But of course, I will suck it up, put my pride to the side and get it done. Even though this will make me feel even more bitter and insolent towards the department, the school, and just this area in general. I reread this horoscope about the in-depth analysis of a Scorpio, and I don’t know if its indicative of anything, but some of the dislikes I have towards my current situation is exactly how they described it about being the Scorpio. I am just trying hard to control the anger I have within inside me and not transform into the freaking hulk because that is how I feel of the road I am heading. And I am trying to remain patient and civilized as long and as much as possible but I don’t know how much longer I can remain patient around there. All I can do is now is start counting down until school is out and I can hatch my escape out of here. I really want to just take off to the Bahamas right about now. Oh yes, very dearly and very soon. I dropped M on the floor straight up earlier this week. I really thought it was the end for M and that I would have to start carrying my printer to the office with me to get stuff printed in color. (see previous post about who M is) I am just not ready to say goodbye to M even though M is just acting hardheaded day in and day out. In addition, my bracket is looking a bit better today. I had a few toss up games I was not sure about today that could have went either way on and I was 50-50 on calling those games. But other than that, I am about to get ready to trudge through another week. Aargh my cell phone just drives me crazy, there are times where i am ready to toss it out the window, it makes me frustrated but I am still under contract with t-mobile. Sighs...well i think the focus of my blogs this week is to talk about current event of things, as interpreted from watching and reading the news, the blogs, and listening to friends thoughts and opinions. Well that is all for now. Back to work.

Let It Snow

So after being stuck in the apartment over the weekend because of nonstop rain and leaving umbrella in car that is parked about 5 miles or so away from campus, late Sunday night the rain gave away to snow. And it has been snowing kinda nonstop since then. The snow is picking up again, falling pretty heavy and what little sun that managed to peep out of the clouds today has turned in for the day I believe. When I woke up this early, really early, before there was any light, the graduate apartments here on campus was literally white. I could not see the ground for anything. And giving how desperate I was to get out of the apartment, I decided to start treading through this stuff to make my way to my lab office. Of course the school for some reason didn't close school down even though everywhere else in the areas did so. So needless to say campus was dead. After catching a bus, realizing that there was nowhere here in (faculty or services wide), I decided to catch a bus, get off a few stops down and start walking through campus. Of course being the Texan that I am, I took pictures of campus buildings in general because despite my ambivalence and often leaning aversion to this school, the campus was quite a site to see under snow. This is like the second snow storm to hit this area since late January. So much for me thinking that they had mild winters here.
So for today, it was much more enjoyable for me to watch the snow fall outside my lab office instead of doing homework (or making a valiant effort to be frustrated, get mad, say f it, then get this epiphany later on right before the assignment is due, stay up all night to finish the assignment that will probably end up being about 60%-70% right, that goes the routine for me here in graduate school. And I think its only a whopping 30 degrees outside right now, and for once my lab office thermostat is not set in the 50s or 60s today. Yay! Well back to my regularly scheduled frustrations.

That Day of Pure Frustration

Today, I was into day 4 of trying to finish this homework assignment that was actually due yesterday. But as I have been working on it since Sunday, I have felt so frustrated because it’s like homework in one of the few subjects I could care less about-economics. Now I know that is a wrong attitude, since particularly everything as a way of living as we understand it is in part due to economics. I am lost as to why economics has never caught to me like other subjects I enjoy (math, history, geography, political science, engineering, chemistry). But it’s more than just that, I feel like I am not getting the most currently from my graduate education. Now whether its I feel burned out, or feel there is no direction in terms of my research, or just feeling out of place in the first place, I feel like my time can be better doing something else. I dread when I wake up in the morning and knowing that I either have to go to the lab today or go to classes. I feel the classes I have enrolled leave me feeling a bit lackluster, I feel I am just being stringed along with my research group and I feel as if I have nothing to contribute here. I am constantly questioning my aptitude because of the degree of difficulty and lack of progress I make in some of my classes. For the first time in my life, I feel lost and directionless being here. I thought graduate school was supposed to make you feel more scholarly and worldly. I feel as if I am regressing in the skills I possess and the brain cells to enlarge my think capacity. Oh it makes me feel so depressed day in and day out, like why I am torturing myself? The only thing that keeps me company around here is listening to old school music (at the moment it’s Earth, Wind, and Fire). And even though I have reached out to people(students, staff, faculty), I still feel so isolated and alone, which is crazy because I am used to living in solitude at this point, but to be surrounded by all kinds of people at an institution such as this, just doesn’t make sense to me. And to think I have another of year this to put up with. I wish something would happen, some kind of epiphany that will just turn around how I feel, how I learn, how I do research, and just change the plain way how I feel day in and day out.

This Whole studying thing

So as another weekend comes and goes, i find myself not studying as usual, which normally wouldn't be any reason to ring the alarms, but i just happen to be in graduate school. I managed to survive my first semester last semester and I thought I was going to stress myself right out. So this semester I DECIDED to do things my way, which is the only way that keep same in the membrane. This includes working out ridiculously at set times during the day. I felt as if I had no energy whatsoever to get through the day. I felt like blah every day I had to wake up and goto classes or go into the lab or anything of that nature. So I had to get through my stubborn mind that I can't be any good if I am always feeling drained and depressed and desolate. Next step, get out more, even if it means I have to goto events/places/locales by myself-especially if those locales were meant to be done with friends. I am going to try to smile more and come off more approachable, I have been told that the impression people have of me when they first meet me is one of being a diabolical "insert expression for female dog". Now I find this quite laughable because I am the opposite of what people's first impressions are of me. What can I say? I guess it means that people prescribe to reading the picture illustrated on the front of the book instead of trying to read the words on the front cover of the book, let alone whats contained inside the book.

I guess the point of all that before the slightest of divergence was that overall I learned during my first semester of graduate school I went about everything the wrong way. Instead of trying to adapt to people that are not like, I should have been doing everything I can to get people to adapt to me. I am not like most people, I knew this since I was about 4 years old. So I will study more this semester, but much more effectively and at much of a satisfied position than before. I will be more social than I was before, even it means I have to hang with undergraduates at the school I goto and with different people at different schools within a 50 mile radius (there is a lot of colleges and universities in the area, let alone in this state). Hey I know I am unique and I have my quirks and whims that does not prescribe to anything mainstream, and I will not waste my time around people or entities who only see people in a box.