Music keeps me sane in the membrane

OH yes it does let me tell you. Being able to sing along and hum to my favorite kind of music (which happens to be a lot of different kinds of music) keeps me from (and I quote 90% of the time) throwing my computer out of the window or setting it on fire and adding chlorox to it-whether I am in the research lab, at the job, at the crib, or anywhere I am required to be around a computer to get work done (which feels like damn near all the time). So since I started working last week, my mini music collection (no where near the one I used to have) kept the time from stopping. But I do plan on starting to spend more time out on the floor though just to learn stuff and exercise ( but I save that for another day). Today was Marvin Gaye that kept me from screaming out physically when my documents I had been working on kept consistently crashing on me. Oh yes, no musician can be in a good mood in an instant (more instant than making ramen noodles) than Marvin can. 22 hours of the day could have been craptacular raised to the infinity power, but I put his music on, and its like the pain from the booboo on my knee melts away. And even when its not Marvin or anyone on my windows playlist or car CD list, I get a kick of listening to Pandora or any type of online music stations that lets you pick the music you like. 98% of the time I avoid commercial radio unless I am listening to NPR or ESPN sports or something. Commercial radio, just like the music industry of today, is full of this cacophony that I promise is causing the liquid in my ear to harden and shatter into a thousand pieces. Just plain terrible. I feel so sorry for the generation after me (i.e. read 90s and millennium kiddies) that think these current crop of “artists” are the best musicians in the business today and (gasps even ever). The tragedy. If there is one entity that needs to have acceleration to their ultimate demise, the music industry is ranked up there (up there with journalists of today, all politicians, and certain financial companies). I ked ked ked, naw not really, not at all…hehe…well my lunch hour is coming to a close, just as my blogging ways that I have been doing should too, and if I happen to be stuck at the computer for the afternoon for some reason, I think I will kick things off with the Temptations. Not bad eh? It would be Tears for Fears, but only if I can figure out to get access to Pandora while I am here.

Always traveling/being transient

I used to think that there must be some good that would come out of all the bad that happened my freshman year of college. One of those “good” I had contemplated about was this sense that since I was officially on my own with only so much to go by, that I would be ok with the notion that I would have to travel frequently and move around frequently. I figured I couldn’t really go back to my grandma’s house anymore, it was falling apart and it was where my uncle had died, so I didn’t want to deal with that. After I had to move out of my freshman dorm, I moved into this garage apartment like 5 minutes from campus. It was great at first with the roommate I had even though the place wasn’t really meant for 2 people. I don’t know what happened along the way but that roommate situation just kinda dissolved/down hill and I actually had a lot of pent up passive aggression that I displayed instead of letting my roommate feel my complete wrath. So I had to get up out of that fast. Next I moved all the way to the Westside of town, like 30 minutes from school give or take to this apartment that was relatively in my budget and figured that since it was such a great steal. Well as the saying goes, things were too good to be true which ultimately led to my car being placed on concrete blocks as someone(s) took all 4 tires and my rims from my car. At the time, I had the same old factory rim and factory wheels that I didn’t think anyone would ever want to steal. How wrong I was. Of course it was no coincidence that I was out of that apartment complex fast. At the same time, I had already decide to transfer schools and get out of the city to literally start over because that whole year to year and half experiment of going to the area college in a big city while still trying to do engineering and working often to get by on my own just wasn’t cutting it. Now during this period of transition to the school next to the cow patty fields as I liked to call it, I was forever going back and forward between the apartments, storage, and the dorms. Oh yes, I made that great return to the dorms, but at least the dorms were in the form of 2 and 4 bedroom apartments, which made living on campus so much easier. For the most part, the 1st year at said new school in dorm was cool, even with the whole 4 roommates situation, except for one of the roommates who had a loud, weed smoking, loud music, stealing other people’s food issues. At least I kept the majority of my food and kitchen items in my bedroom (mini-fridge yall). The next 2 years I was on campus, living was cool. The only time I had problems was when I had to move out for the summer. Yeah that part sucked, especially since I was the main one who had to pack and unpack all my stuff, up and down stairs usually, driving back and forward to Houston, and so on forth. Timing was always the issue, especially when I had research opportunities to arise. In between holidays, the first couple of Christmas holidays I was on campus by myself, pretty scary at times, even out in the country, then a few road trips to Dallas and Beaumont and Austin in between. Yadda, yadda, yadda, fast forward to graduate school, similar situations except I just have to move much more frequently and quickly, which sucks, because I am getting older and lazier, and I just don’t’ have the same enthusiasm to pack up all my world belongings to the top of my car and just get on the road, moving to a place I know I am only going to be there for either 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or a year. And let me tell you, its much harder to want to always want to move when money is always tight (when hasn’t money been tight for me?) that’s part of a reason I wrestle a lot lately do I really want to stay in school for another 3 to 5 years to obtain a pHD (and most likely not where I am at for grad school now, ya dig?) or do I just want to start working now, settle somewhere for at least 3 to 5 years before going back to school? But professionals I have met have been telling me once I start making the good money; I doubt that I would want to go back to living like a pauper just to get another degree. Eh, well that’s what this summer is suppose to be about, letting me coming to terms of where I want to be, where I am going and how I am going to get there by next May. But it seems at the rate I am motivated to even want to get out of the bed and come to work at this internship, I may not be making those where to next decisions anytime soon. And I remember a time I used to be so obstinate in what I want to do with my life, it would take a 2 by 4, a lighter, and gaseous fumes to get me to change courses when it had came past time to do so.

Long time No Hear

Yeah I realized my last entry was in April, and I had been doing well up to that point of getting in like 15 entries or so a month giving my schedule. But then that weekend of Easter I got this first homework assignment finally back which I suspected I did not do so well in and it may made me a bit reticent of starting the second part of the related homework. I was fully correct when I did receive it, but the fact that I had to start over the 1st homework assignment was pretty devastating to me. But I knuckled down and got to it, even though I had to cancel my Easter plans that I planned on 2 weeks ahead and I had to put everything on hold, including my spring break just to get those 2 assignments done. And of course by me putting everything on hold, I also ended up getting behind the equivalent of years in my other classes. This caused me to basically vacate any form of sleep, food, exercise, relaxation, combing thy hair, and any other everyday normal activities that I probably needed to continue to do for the next month and half or so. And even though I did this I have to say I am grateful because I passed all my classes pretty darn well. I guess all that sacrifice of living and substituting for a ghost really did paid off. But the only thing about that is, then I had to hurry up and turn around and get ready for my internship that I have up in the northeast. And so that brought in for May the non-stop driving escapades. Being cheap, time-strapped and partially lazy, I forgo actually trying to get a plane ticket back to Texas and instead chose to drive it, because I knew it would be cheaper and I figured if I could drive 19 hours straight to come home for Christmas I could certainly do it again. And again I did. So drove home back to Texas, this time it took 20 hours, (I was a bit tired than I thought I was this time around). Before I left, I had (and I thought at the time, packed about 60% of my dorm apartment). Got back to Texas, drove around like crazy for a week and a half seeing old friends, family, associates, and wannabes, and then when it felt like I really didn’t want to leave Texas, I had to turn around, drive back to North Carolina, pack the rest of my stuff to the roof of the car, drove to D.C., then picked up a friend at Baltimore who helped me drive the rest of the way all the way up to Connecticut. Got lost before we eventually found the apartment, and all of this in a 3 day span over Memorial Day Weekend. I never thought I would hate driving but I do now-terribly. And add on to that I have to drive approximately 20 miles or so to and from work everyday, yeah, makes me a grumpy pal. So yeah I am now up in the northeast for a summer internship and just going eh about it so far. I think part of it is I am really really tired and a see-saw full of motivation, apathy, and just downright blahness. Combined all this with the fact that I am blogging now even though I am work, but it seems the only thing I can do without causing my work computer to crash. Yeah my work computer hates me, I thinks it out to personally sabotage me after my private and not so private conversations about how computers are evil and are out to destroy the world. Go figure.

Just one more note

Ok, so just one more note, brief(and that doesn't happen often) about the events in the news that have transpired the past week. What's really going on? People are just going off their knockers for all kinds of dumbness and nonsense (and when I say dumbness and nonsense, yeah I am talking about tea parties. Oh yes, I am. Because when I see and hear the people who are on the tea "brewhaha" brouhaha, it seems I find more underlying and subtle (and at times not so subtle messages) in their tea talk instead of a single and solid message for the purpose of their protest and disgust. I heard more of everything (in people's messages, tones, eggings) that of which was nothing related to taxing but their "true" feelings. I mean, tell me how you really feel next time ya dig? Reading between the lines was so obvious that the pollen floating and flying in the wind could see it (and I think I am insulting the pollen while I am it).

Wowsers

Wowsers, I did not realize the gap from my last entry to now, and given how I manage to average about 15 posts a month thus far, I have a feeling I will miss my average target. This is fine and dandy with me, especially given how April seems to be in overdrive. Classes end officially next week, and finals are right around the corner, and I have been lucky to have classes in which the finals were in the form of presentations and papers, sans 1. But don't be fooled by that, I am learning that the hard way. But regardless, I had to cancel plans I had made like 2 weeks (2 weeks in advance mind you) last weekend for Easter weekend to fix that particular homework. What happened was I received back a homework assignment pretty darn late, and it made a pretty big impact in preventing me even starting the next homework assignment related to it (because of all those wonderful mistakes in it), and that next assignment was due the following week. To make matters worse, when I was actually considering saying f it and take off out of town, a pretty bad thunderstorm, with big bad winds, clouds, thunder and nearby tornadoes(as in next state over, but I take these things seriously, ok?) swept through the area,which all but made a mice out of me and made me stay in at the crib. Needless to say, the very next day, around 3:30pm, I went into my icebox (a.k.a. my lab office) and stayed there until 3:30am the next morning. As you can see, its not as if I had hot dates lined up to compensate for said stay in the lab. It was pretty cool, I got a lot work of done that I probably would not normally do on any other given weekend. (Correction, THAT I HAVE NEVER DONE SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN GRAD SCHOOL). Hopefully I will be able to maximize either my Saturday or Sunday with said diligence. I just always loved, since I have been in school (taking it back to even my elementary days) when it seemed that throughout the semester the workload had always been lightweight like a feather, and all of a sudden with a month of school left to go, all the elephants and wildebeests seem to come down the grassy plains to give me some very unnecessary headaches and stress. But I have been doing good, and I have been getting by ok, even though my hair has taken a beaten. I didn't realize how real my hair would get without having put any kind of chemical relaxers in my hair since the new year has been in play (and since November if you want to get all technical and stuff). I can't wait though until school is out for me, because then all I have to look forward to is packing like crazy and driving like crazy and turning around and getting ready for this summer internship. Ha, so this is what I signed up for eh? Its cool though, ya dig? Well its back to trying to refocus my mind to keep working for another 5 to 10 hours on this homework assignment that's actually due today that I just started on, like today. (That's how time consuming the last 2 homeworks I had for this same class has been for me.In addition, I have averaged being in a computer lab on this computer program for at least 8 hours everyday this week.)Wish me luck, and hopefully by the end of next week, I will be able to start winding down, in the form of eating less paper and porcupine quills, perhaps, you know?

ok ok ok

So, as I sit in my on campus apartment watching the National Championship game, I realized that since its already past 11pm, I won't be going back to studying since I am trying to watch the game. Then I am still debating should I make my way over to Franklin Street for the excessive and hyperactive celebrations that will be going on after the game. Naw prolly not, I really am allergic to large crowds and the ignorance that can erupt at any moment. Its amazing how I did not lose my cool whatsoever while I was at the inauguration in January. I think if it wasn't for the fact that I was with my good friends, soror sisters, and honorary member, I would have been ready to go self-implode. So I said all that to say, I had a thought for my next blog topic, but my eyelids would not permit me to write it. So here goes tonight latest personal a-la-personal tat. I have never had a preference for guys, well any kind of explicit preference. This has been the case with the type of guys I have liked or fooled around with over the years. I don't know if it makes a difference whether there are certain defined qualities one would look for in a mate. I figure with some of my acquaintances, they would go for certain looks, certain lifestyle, or certain monetary attachments. But that never has been me. I think that my eclectic taste in men would have something to do with why I have issues with men as it is. I mean in general I go for black men and sometimes hispanic men(well just mainly Dominican, Puerto Rican from time to time, some others from time to time). I really don't have a height requirement, I realized that damn near any guy I meet over 95% of the time is going to be taller than me (I'm only 5'3). I seem to be a sucker for guys that wears glasses, I guess it just flashes intelligence to me (even though I know that's always the case). I also seem to like physics majors, ha go figure. I also have a tendency to be attracted to younger guys at this point or guys no older than 5 years than I am. So its like my cutoff period is 21-29 (maybe an exception for a 20 or a 30 year old). I remember this 34 year old man was trying to holla at me, the age thing bothered me from the get go but his stalker like tendencies even freaked me out even more. I also tend to gravitate to light skinned brothers, seems to be my Achilles heel at times (but don't think all the time), but even that doesn't trip me out too much. I do wonder why I seem to have a particular inkling for younger guys. Is it some kind of time warp I am stuck in, is it I really didn't realize the guy age, I was too busy oogling, or do my eyes really be playing tricks on me and people aren't quite as they seem? I blame that on the foods we eat with that last question about people not seeming to be quite who you thought they would be. But I will save that for another day. Well, the game is almost over, time for me to decide to go out and wonder about or just chill...

Wednesday Diatribes of Randomness, 3.0:

Who knew socks could leave such indentations in your skin? Perhaps I need to investigate these socks for post-skin traumatic syndrome because of the markings and patterns embedded in my leg is ridiculous. What kind of socks are these you ask? I don’t know, I happen to find them in my miscellaneous clothing pile that I haven’t exactly went through to see if I still desired after I graduated last May, said f* off to friends and family and hightailed it to North Carolina mightily quickly (with the haste, with the haste). Plus, I ran out of socks today, and because I also was running out of cleans bras (it’s hard when you have limited bras but big boobs), I forced myself to wake up at 7:00am to go wash at the dorm laundry room. I have to admit, it was mighty quiet and there were actually washers and dryers available. Go figure! On another side note, I ran out of water in my 1 liter water I had been chugging on lately and decided to break down and return to drinking the water from the school fountain. Now normally I have no problems with this, but earlier this month, they sent out a notice to the school e-mail basically saying that the local drinking treatment plant in the town was switching the disinfection processes used (with chloramines I believe) to using straight up chlorine for reasons about meeting certain drinking water standards and stuff.. and believe me, since this is the first time for me to use the drinking fountain since the switch, you can taste that wonderful chlorine after-taste (tastes like vodka, not really, disregard the taste like vodka, I might be drinking vodka when I go home to disinfect the chlorine taste in my mouth though). But hey, water is water (until I come down with something but I digress) and cannot complain because for the most part the water is relatively ok to drink. Besides, I am trying to cut down on the real money guzzler habit of buying water bottles. Now that’s a waste of money if there ever was one. At least I try to buy cheap store brand water every time to get by.
There is a fridge in my research lab office that I believe the lab manager turned off or it stopped working or something last semester. Now I haven’t opened it this semester, but the last time I opened it, I think rainbow colored mold and bacteria had began to manifest itself because of certain leftovers and leaked water still present. Of course if I want to do a random experiment before May to test to see what random spontaneous combustible situations could occur between the opened and at this point repugnant refrigerator and common chemicals and gases that are always present in the lab. Now that’s research I could get behind 110%. Hey at least that would be more research I would have conducted in that 1 hour experiment than what I have done since I have been here (and that has been last August, and yet I am due to be out here next May with intentions of defending next semester-go figure).
Today, one of my classmate’s in one of my classes made a continuing effort to talk to me and get a feel about how I really feel about being at this school. And I have to say, she has been the first student (in the actual classes that I take) who has made the effort to try to get to know me since I have been here. Wow, amazing (Note: I have met people and gotten to know people a lot more this semester than what I did last semester. The only thing is they are not in my department let alone in the school that my department is apart of). Man I miss the concept of being at a school that is hardcore engineering. I never thought I would miss it so. I guess the old adage you never know what you got until it’s gone is in some sense reversibly so true. Go figure.
I am on another news (in all its forms) strike this week. After Sunday into Monday, I really wasn’t looking forward to attempt number (I start to lose count here) of proposals by treasurer secretaries/economic “supposed” gurus about trying to dissolve toxic assets. I also was not looking forward to lack of journalism/real news reporting on the so called network news channels that claim to give you accurate or fair or balanced or whatever euphemisms they call it for highly opinionated shitty ass lack of research/depth that they try to pass as journalism nowadays. Damn, perhaps I should have been a journalist after all. I actually like to do research and go into the field. Must be weird as a 24 year old to itch for research as I do (but I wander off this paved rant that I am on).
For some reason, even though T-mobile has made its present felt finally in North Carolina, ( I moved out here when there was no such thing as T-mobile and dropped calls was the norm all summer) but apparently North Carolina is still allergic to T-mobile. ( I say this as I am trying to send a text to my favorite homegirl and even though I have 6 bars (highest number of bars on my phone) I can’t get even get the phone to send back out a text message.) Now I have been patient while T-mobile tries to set up shop here but I figured after at least 8 months that the signaling might be a wee bit better. Apparently not-this month I have to deal with more than usual dropped calls, no bars in the middle of conversation and the subsequent 5 minute hello, hello, hello, chants, and issues sending off text messages. (Note: text messages are my clutch, my go to, my bench player that I need to give me some instant offense since I have limited amount of minutes for the remaining of my cycle due to circumstances that was half-heartedly out of my control so that way I am still able to communicate with people). But I am off my wagon again-dangit. Ok so yeah and of course one may ask me why I am still with T-mobile. Well at the time I signed the renewal contract it was about 2 months before graduation, before I really knew what I would be doing or even where I might be going to grad school at, so now I am in an unfortunate committed relationship and I am stuck in it for another year. (Please let this year go by, fast, but productively fast though).
Well that’s enough for Wednesday diatribes for today. Break time is over me, and I am going back to barbecuing my soul, I mean studying for a midterm I have tomorrow that I really don’t know if I could be ready for. Awww, good times I tell ya, good times!
P.S. I have realized since I have given my creative and artsy side of randomness to all things technical for the last 5 years or so, my ability to write with basic verb-agreement has went out the window. Hopefully by me getting retrained in the art of writing for flow and creativity instead of prospectus reports, I will regain and relearn the subtle and intricate delicacies of the written word-Word.

The Coming out of Left Field Story for Today:

So for today I got some disturbing news, one of my relatives was getting divorced. Why significant? Because ever since I had been living on my own, meeking out an existence, I used to spend my holidays by myself on campus a lot. I told my relative, she couldn’t believe it that I had been doing it for that long, and insisted I come to stay with them for the holidays. This was around 2006 I think, give or take. But anyways, it took me a while to adjust their abode because they were like a family, you know, with the kids and 2 parents with careers that were actually together. See when I was growing up, on my mom’s side of the family (which raised me more or less), most of my aunts and uncles had already divorced at least once, with usually my cousins paying the prices for their sometimes irresponsible decisions (that they still pay for till this day). So when I would spend time my relatives that was married, it was like wow, you don’t’ see that happening everyday. And little by little, as I spent my holiday breaks and summer breaks and interludes between school at their house, I felt myself become attached, as if they were in a way, the parents I never had. Even though there were certain things I couldn’t’ feel myself belonging to in their family, overall I was relatively happy. Now of course I was not naïve and I knew they had their fair share of arguments and disagreements and what have you, but you know I figure hey that’s all apart of being married. Then there was this news today. When I was told this morning, I felt a bit of wind sail from me because last time my relative called last semester near my finals, he was telling me news that one of my cousins had been killed. So needless to say, I did not see this coming. I felt a bit sad (thanks to the wonderfully dreary weather of dark clouds and coldness that had been prevalent around here all day today) about it, as if they were my parents getting divorced and this was affecting me personally. I just wonder how their kids are going to handle it. Well they were reassuring me that I could still come home and stay but I don’t know, it just didn’t feel the same right off the bat, and I wasn’t going to go “home” till middle of May after my finals to get a touch up of good ole Houston.
But it made me realize, I think they were the last of maternal relatives that I knew of that had been a relatively stable marriage that was over 40. Well so much for that. And its amazing that out of my childhood friends I had, I never knew who my father was and he was deceased, a sister and brother father was deceased, one of the half-brothers father really didn’t come around to see his son and the other brother father was in the prison. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was considered the norm in the neighborhood, and the fact that we were being raised still relatively and recently good was a rarity.
Lately I had been questioning whether I would ever get married, given my current track rate of how my “dating” life and “relationship” life had been going. I sort of always had a bit of an apprehension of marriage, but it certainly did not mean I advocate shacking up with an implied common-law marriage. But regardless, its just one of those things to chalk up that marriage might be overrated, overstated or even understated in today’s world. At least I am friends with one young married couple I went to middle school with that’s starting out and they seem to be going really well. For the older crowd per se, I guess I have to lean on my close homegirls and homeboy whose folks I have met, almost met, and personally know to lean on to understand and witness what a good marriage still means in today’s world.

status messages

But on a lesser note today, since I refuse to get into this whole twitter phenomena, I still use Facebook statuses as my way (when I do create status messages) to relay how I am feeling at the moment. For a while now, I have realized the evils of posting all personal content about yourself on Facebook (and others too, i.e. Myspace), especially since companies were starting to use Facebook as a “pimping tool”, I mean a screening tool to take a look at potential candidates that they were really considering hiring. So for the most part, I took down the truthful stuff about myself and kept the basics. If you can’t get a 1% idea of who I am from my quotations, political views and religious views then perhaps one is the wrong business of trying to figure out the psyche and character of people. Not too long ago, I decided to do an update status which when a little something like this:

{redacted} is redefining her short, mid and long term goals as a result from events over the last couple of months...I will get to where I want to go...

When I wrote this, I was taking a mini-break from working on my current assignment to look into doctoral programs and what I wrote in my doctoral program and what research I want to engaged in. in a sense I was redefining what I wanted to do academically because I certainly have not felt (can you tell my the posts I have done?) I was getting mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically what I had so worked hard for (just to be able to get into graduate school in the first place). I have refrained (quite amazingly too) from expressing how I really feel because the choice of language may prove too colorful to some. I said what I wrote in my status message because one of the main things I have learned since the middle of my freshman year of college is that shit happens, life happens and how you bounce back from that depends on how you are able to adapt and pick yourself off the ground after being knocked down in the 12th round of a boxing match. I admit I used to be a very stubborn woman (I think it runs deeply in my family, at least on my mother’s side that I know of) who did not like to change too much. Some of it had to do with the fact that my life was changing so quickly and grief and shock and sadness was just coming from all angles all over the place and that is a pretty scary thing to deal with at the age of 19. So as I have gotten a little older and a little wiser, I have learned that I have to be able to be more fluid than ever, especially given the instability and unpredictability of what’s going on in the world today. So as I say this, I have always been pretty good setting and meeting short and mid-range goals. I believe I have taken steps up to this point to get myself in place to meet all of my long term goals. I am not quite there yet but I have learned that as I grow my goals and life and accomplishments that I set out to do will change as I live day to day. But I refuse to have any of my goals compromised as a result of what others tend to impose upon me; I just do NOT get down like that. So even though I have vented, vocalized, and expressed some pretty vicious statements of my current state as a graduate student, please realize that it was not a sign that I was giving up anytime soon. As a matter of fact I am more resolved than ever, I am just using this blog as one means to release outwardly how I feel inwardly that I work hard not to express too vocally around here. (I still need recommendations from certain folks here, ya know?)

One less radio commentary for me to depend upon:

Note: sorry if the grammar here and there sounds a bit more choppy than usual but I am going off of raw emotion and a can of wild cherry Pepsi.

I have been paying more attention to blogs more and more right around last summer when I was at my internship North Carolina because where I was working at for the summer; it just was not that popping at all. So for me to waste away the days and weekends, I started surfing the internet more than usual. As I did so, I had to find different ways at work to deal with the bit of the repetitive programming and planning I was engaged with day in and day out on the computer. One of the ways I began to deal with this was starting to listen to NPR more than usual, particularly this one program called News & Notes. News & Notes is a sub program on the big NPR scale that dealt with issues and perspectives from the black perspective. Issues they discussed since I have been listening to the show ranged in all kinds of issues from sports, entertainment, military, politics, musicians (the ones that you wouldn’t hear a lot on mainstream radio), health, etc. I found the show very informative and very soothing, particularly since I started in graduate school. Of course for as long as I remember, I have taken advantage of always listening to NPR because it was public radio and it was something different to listen to other than the usual so called network news. Well I said all that to say that News and Notes broadcasted its last show on Friday. I didn’t listen to News & Notes a lot this week because I was just busy all week. Today, as I work on this assignment I have been pretty much catching up with all the past shows up until its last week. When I first read on the NPR site that they were getting rid of the show due to budget constraints, all I could think of was “No surprise to get rid of certain kind of shows when there is always some kind of budget constraints”. The fact that there is no such program on broadcast radio available that offers different and cultural viewpoints than the status quo is quite disturbing in itself. And for those people who are using the line of the need of such programs because we live in a “post-racial era” needs to get real and take the sunshine glasses off their eyes and realize the kind of world that we live in. Just because of November 4, 2008 occurred did not mean that racism and prejudice was killed off in all of its forms, both subtle and glaringly as a lot of people would like to believe. If you believe that we do live in a "post-racial era", then I have beachfront property to sell you in Oklahoma. I mentioned in a previous post of how sad the state of listening to the news is becoming day in and day out. When you watch these so called network news channels you can’t tell anymore what is real news, people’s opinions, and generalizations based upon the commentary of everyone and their mama who is a blogger and somehow a self-proclaimed expert in all affairs that are news and political worthy. And I just heard the other day of more and more newspapers across American cities shutting down their printing presses because of their abysmal sales. Some are either shutting down their printing presses forever, are being forced to pimp themselves out to larger conglomerates, or forced to enter onto an online media of “printing and publishing” news which in my opinion is a horrible substitute of actual printed newspapers. I don’t when people begin to think that it was a bad idea to pay 50 cents to pick up a newspaper and read (and I mean READ) what was going on in their neighborhood, city, state, national and international fronts. Are citizens becoming such drones that they are turning over their mind to everyone else who sometimes does not have their best interests at heart? Such entities that are only concerned about getting all the dollars they can by spreading their non-stop bombardment of subliminal messages? Why-because as the O’Jays sing it, everything is done for the love of money. So don’t be surprised that as one’s soul is being sold down the river, question the way of life one is accustomed to going down the toilet. Choices one makes for not being informed and unwillingness in going to multiple sources to verify the so called “news” being fed day in and day out. Note: This is why I am checking out as of today watching any kind of news. I will tune in next week to only be recapped on what was mentioned the week I tuned out for. Go figure…

Sunday Wrap-up of randomness

That’s why I don’t feel enthusiastic about this group project because I feel as if I am not contributing any original ideas to the project. Write a portion of the paper that’s already been done already. What is my role? What I am contributing? What am I learning? Not a damn thing period. Hence the less than enthusiasm to do this assignment. But of course, I will suck it up, put my pride to the side and get it done. Even though this will make me feel even more bitter and insolent towards the department, the school, and just this area in general. I reread this horoscope about the in-depth analysis of a Scorpio, and I don’t know if its indicative of anything, but some of the dislikes I have towards my current situation is exactly how they described it about being the Scorpio. I am just trying hard to control the anger I have within inside me and not transform into the freaking hulk because that is how I feel of the road I am heading. And I am trying to remain patient and civilized as long and as much as possible but I don’t know how much longer I can remain patient around there. All I can do is now is start counting down until school is out and I can hatch my escape out of here. I really want to just take off to the Bahamas right about now. Oh yes, very dearly and very soon. I dropped M on the floor straight up earlier this week. I really thought it was the end for M and that I would have to start carrying my printer to the office with me to get stuff printed in color. (see previous post about who M is) I am just not ready to say goodbye to M even though M is just acting hardheaded day in and day out. In addition, my bracket is looking a bit better today. I had a few toss up games I was not sure about today that could have went either way on and I was 50-50 on calling those games. But other than that, I am about to get ready to trudge through another week. Aargh my cell phone just drives me crazy, there are times where i am ready to toss it out the window, it makes me frustrated but I am still under contract with t-mobile. Sighs...well i think the focus of my blogs this week is to talk about current event of things, as interpreted from watching and reading the news, the blogs, and listening to friends thoughts and opinions. Well that is all for now. Back to work.

That pesky...

That pesky demon that has always affected me for as long as I can remember. Self-esteem issues. Its funny because people that know me would have no idea how I really felt about myself sometimes. I always come off as the wise-cracking, sarcastic asshole with a sense of humor that sometimes catches my friends off guard (because of my usual deliberation to not try to make the joke in the first place, it can be kind of uncanny at times). Or most people that meet me think I have this great confidence with self, but its crazy because when I am alone, reflecting about things (which I do alot), I am very self-conscious and critical of myself. But aren't we all? Perhaps. I just know that the main thing I am very conscious about is my weight. When I asked my friend today to guess my weight she guessed that I must be at 200 pounds. Now when she told me that, I was pretty stunned by her guess. Most of my friends have no idea or always guess wrong. (I weighed at the clinic today at 270). Last time I saw a couple of doctors just to get checked out, they made it a point to ask me what kind of foods I eat and how often I exercise. Which is pretty funny because I end up working out at least 3 times a week minimum and when I having my moments I hit the rec center here at school 6 times a week. And yet when I do that, I still feel I don't see results. But regardless, I have always been conscious about weight since I was in elementary school. It seem that I would somehow work out the lower body but never kept my upper body in control (i.e. love handles and gut). But needless to say, I used to fall in the habit for going for fad diets, starving diets, barely eating diets, then switch it up with exercising like crazy. The crazy part was I would start, but would never remain consistent with it, so I would eventually go back to my old eating habits. Now part of it when I was growing up, my folks basically bought foods that we could afford, which at times ranged from processed foods to fast foods. I don't blame them, they had to do what they had to do to try to feed me. I remember eating alot of fried foods, especially chicken and fish Fridays (aw man homemade quality fried fish). When I was in high school I managed to control my weight in one aspect because I was playing sports but in other aspects not so well because of what I ate and the error of my ways and not knowing that you shouldn't try to bulk up on the weights unless trained properly and you are going to be devoted to weight training. Needless to say, I would gain weight even though I had started to watch what I eat because my dumb ass lifting heavy weights (not no punk stuff mind you) so that by time I was getting ready for college, I pretty much stopped weight lifting and you can guess what all that muscle I bulked up on started to turn to. I was even teased one time in high school for being shaped like a linebacker ready to take someone out. So fast forward to college and the horrendous eating habits I engaged in and its no surprise that I added my freshman 15 and then some. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I decided to start get serious about my health lifestyle. So I started by trying to change drastically what I ate by eating more salads. Then I started to cut out fried foods in my life (no more Popeye's, Old Navy Seafood and so forth). Then I decided to stop eating pork (it was my Achilles's heel for the longest. And some steps in between. I am nowhere near where I want to weight or in my ideal dress size (currently 18, I want to get down to at least a 12). Now is that possible for my body physique to reach that type of goal? I learned that diets don't really work and that I have to change the way I eat slowly but surely. I think I am getting there but not quite yet. I have found it hard to totally and entirely give up on fast foods. Every once in awhile I will sprang for a burger, but usually my weakness is Chipotle burritos. ( I am trying to wean myself off that too). Then if I really don't have time to cook or have no groceries or expect a long night in the lab, I end up grabbing Chick-fil-a (which I presume is really no better than a burger joint). I have stopped eating pork, and starting to turn my inner self to give up beef (getting there). There a bunch of little things I am incorporating into my diet everyday (more fruits everyday, veggie omelets and turkey bacon for breakfast now), but I realize that I have to be patient with myself and fight through the urges and gnawings for going back to certain clutch foods that aren't good for me. Even though I hit up a rec center, I have been inconsistent for the past month once school projects started to kick in. I feel I don't have a productive workout day unless I do so for 2 hours on cardio equipment and arm benches. I have to find a way to do effective workouts when I am in my apartment or lab and when I can't get to the rec center. So you see, I have in place, even though moving at a snail's place to improve my health overall. I still get down when I look at myself in the mirror and examine closely my arms, my chin(s), and my gut, because I feel that it makes me unattractive and causes my mind to signal out to me why I have issues with dating (but I digress and diverge all at once). So till next time, I will continue on this path of better health slowly but surely.

Today's Reflection

Today’s Date: March 20, 2009 (Scorpio)

Today you’re concerned with a stable future. Your thoughts turn toward upgrading your house or car, or moving up a rung on your career ladder. It’s a great day for making plans related to these areas, because you’re practical yet ambitious. You’ll aim high, but not so high that, but not so high that you set unattainable goals. This balanced view of your life and abilities really helps in moving onward and upward.

Rating: 4 stars out of 5
Keywords: down-to-earth, controlled
Mood: privileged
So what got me reflecting, is I saw my daily horoscope on my t-zones phone and it caught my attention because kita bita was telling me that I really need to figure out what I do with my life right now, particularly after being mesmerized by listening and seeing live in the flesh political strategist Donna Brazille last night. It was cool and I really felt that my calling right now was not being in graduate school doing what I am doing. Don’t get me wrong, I love engineering, but I feel everyday that I am being pulled from that and more towards the things I actually enjoy doing-writing, politics, international affairs, and other stuff. (actual quote: but listening and seeing Donna Brazille in the flesh was so cool last night one of the best things I have seen in awhile makes me feel as if I am being pulled away from doing engineering stuff and going into politics and international affairs and stuff. And that I need to find a way/career that combines politics and environmental engineering). And that is what got me redoing my goals list. I write out goals that I want to accomplish, because there was a point that I did not think I was going to get there after my uncle died. I was lost, walking in a sticky and translucent cocoon for practically a year. So needless to say, I have made it a point to make some short, mid, and long-term goals and revise them as necessary. At this point, I feel I have been going to school forever, and there are days in which my brain just feels so drained and vapid. 5 years undergrad, 2 years for a master’s right now. I think after I receive this master’s, I am going to take a break and go find myself again momentarily. I always wanted to teach in some capacity, run a mentor/mentee program and also set up engineering and science camps for kids all ages to get them interested in the STEM fields. That is my long term goal that I want to accomplish. Everything else in between now and my long term goal is up for grabs. I have a friend who asked me to read through and edit her essay she was doing so she could join the peace corp. this has been weighing on my mind lately for me to commit to some stateside or international service for at least several years. I have been looking into working for the government but I am now starting to think about non-profit organizations, especially those related to education. Because if people have not realized, education is where it it has to start for so many young people, middle age and seniors. At the rate things are going, no matter your age, people are going back to school to learn new trades and skills because of the evaporation of many different jobs in the usual and dependable job sectors (i.e. retail, manufacturing, construction). My ultimate goal is to get my PhD, but I think that my time to pursue it is not now. I used to think when I was younger that the only important thing for me to do was to study all the time, in all subjects. Now don't get me wrong, I still care for scholarly subjects, but I just don't like at times being pigeonholed to always focus on one thing and one thing only because I just refuse to hold attention and be warped and tunneled visioned in one thing. (Even though I am stubborn by nature). So I have been looking, slowly but surely mind you, incorporating ways to combine my knowledge of engineering, passion for environmental issues, thirst for political scrapping and commentary, helping others, traveling and seeing the world and being exposed to many cultures in all just one fell swoop. Whooo, I know I just expended alot of energy for all those passions to integrate (and do not believe for once that is just an exhaustive list I have provided). And that is all I can do, because according to my horoscope for today, I aim high, but I am also practical and realistic. So my journey to figure out what randomness I will get into in the near future (particularly after I finish up my master's) I believe will be the biggest challenge and a test to see how I have to live life these past 5 years will get me through for the rest of my life. Stay tuned!

Valentine’s Day-the 09 story (part 1)

So its technically early Saturday morning out here on the east coast, and I am sipping on my favorite alcoholic drink (cranberry juice and vodka), listening to the The Brothers Johnson and Strawberry Letter 23 (they don’t make music like this anymore, sadly). And of course today is Valentine’s Day; with my given track record when it comes to relationships, its easy to see why I think Valentine’s Day is just plain evil. But enough of that, I came to the realization when I went home for Christmas break that I have no game whatsoever, which I guess is somewhat normal for a female not to have a game whatsoever. But it got me thinking why have been so habitually single? Now don’t get me wrong, for the most part, (I say 85% of the time) I enjoy the freedom I have to roam wherever I like, whenever I like and however I like. There is never any need for me to commit to another human being, (i.e. a Man) because I have gotten so use to be single. But there are times where I have these thoughts that creep up slowly behind me and question my extended single status. To get all technical and stuff, I have never had a real boyfriend. Never have been in a real relationship nor engage in all the warm cuddly relationship type stuff. Perhaps my philosophy when it comes to the opposite sex is different than most: I rather become good friends with a guy, he gets to know me and all my quirks and eccentrics and I get to know him for who he really is (which I found most guys don’t do for some reason). This is one of the reasons why I have so many guy friends in the most place. I grew up as a tomboy, never had a motherly type figure in my life for the longest, so I didn’t get the memo of how to talk to boys, that you was suppose to start shaving your legs at a certain point, and that wearing flannel shirts just wasn’t fashionable. But needless to say, I grew up being me and me only.
Where am I going with this? Hell if I know. But I do know that I used to get rejected all the time from guys. After awhile I began to think there was something was wrong with me. I was never skinny, I wore glasses, I am pretty much a nerd, I had 0 fashion sense and everything else. Then sophomore year, this guy had to put in some real serious work before I agreed to be his girlfriend. Only reason I agreed because he was the first guy in high school to ever show me any kind of attention. But we were only an “item” for a week. I guess when you worked that hard to get the girl she’s just another conquest. And since then, no guy has showed me that kind of attention or to ever make me feel special. So for the longest, I would wear this brave face (or mask) that never let on how much I wanted to get in on the trials and tribulations of romance, first love and teenage-dum. And after awhile, I began to learn how to accept that perhaps there was no such thing as love at first sight and finding a guy who likes me for me. And now that I am approaching 25 this year, I feel now that yeah I wish I had a boyfriend, or even a boy toy from time to time, that I should really begin to accept that it wasn’t meant for me to fall or to ever be in love. Oh well. I guess I just need to focus on making the world a better place somehow.

Whispers in the abyss

So I have these whispers of doubts within myself internally and I know I shouldn’t have but I just do. Its in regards to how since I have been in graduate school, I haven’t really passed any tests, quizzes or major assignments with A’s and B’s. It has been mostly on the lines of C’s, D’s, and F’s, and its just so deflating because it makes me feel so deflated, like I don’t belong here or that there is something wrong with me. It’s almost like being back at the first college I went to my first two years of college. I did fine my first semester, and then I had these tragic family incidences that warped and turn my world upside down and I begin down this slippery slope of failing and struggling in a lot of my engineering classes until I finally decided to transfer to another school (where I ultimately got my bachelor’s degree). It’s like déjà vu, except this time around, I don’t really have any tragic incidences that is preventing me from being successful where I am at. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it makes me doubt my intelligence, my desire to learn, my spirit to be curious. I feel as if there is something about this school that is stifling me. I don’t know what it is, but I wish I knew so I could face it head on and take it out. But until then, I guess I will continue to be disappointed at the grades I earned while in graduate school and continue on this trail of wondering what is internally wrong with me. Its very frustrating because of how I feel being a minority in a program taking classes that had nothing to do with what I did as an undergrad and spending ridiculous amounts of time playing catch-up in classes by going back and researching and surfing and reading up to 4 or 5 subjects at a time per class I take (I average 3 classes a semester thus far) plus seeking a lot of help (especially in one of these classes I took last semester almost every other day with the professor). And I feel the said pattern is on assignments and take-home tests I put my blood, sweat, and tears to I fail worse than on said assignments in which I did not try or just did not care about. Its almost as if by me coming into the program I have came in, I am just simply setting myself up for failure. Now don’t get me wrong, I won't stop nor do I mind doing what I am doing in terms of researching and studying extra materials for classes but its like wow for me. I am also concern that it seems that I was successful at the school I transferred to which is an HBCU, and yet the first school I went to the engineering program was majority institution and now the school I am attending for graduate school is also majority institution. Does this mean that perhaps I am not cut out for these types of schools? That certainly can’t be a fact or a terrible notion to even entertain. So then why I am struggling so much academically, (and heck spiritually, socially, physically, and emotionally) at this school I am at now?Is it the school or is it me?

The Very First of the Randomness Rumblings of a Rowdy Roo...

ok i don't know what is up with the alliteration just now, but i figured i had some r's that i needed to play with...so this is my first blog/entry/confession/opening myself and business to online larkers...ok well enough of all that...so at first i was going to make my blog related to relationships and experiences on that road, but then i realized that i have so much to offer than that... i have so many words and at times i think not of enough time or space to ink them, whether with a pen or the keystroke...ok so i didn't realize how much of virgin i was when it came to sprucing up your blog page but i am...damn...so its about 1am my time right now, and i am just hoping that this mixture of grape juice and vodka in my system will run its course. i of all people should realize that texting/typing/writing while semi-inebriated is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaddd idea

so tonight's escapade brought me to texting this guy that i had been interesting for a minute. i like to think we are pretty cool, well i finally worked up the nerve to ask him about his past gf and stuff like that and he was pretty responsive, then he caught me from left field by asking why was so interested to know this stuff about him? now i wasn't sure he was asking cause he really wanted to know and he was being sincere, if he wanted some type of confirmation of some suspicion that i may have liked him or what but needless to say still waiting on that response...go figure...
and thats usually the way it goes when it comes to me and the opposite sex...get to know him, he gets to know me, we become cool, for some reason i start developing feelings for him, try to slyly and subtly work my way in only to be shot down like the tale in mythology of flying to close to sun with the makeshift feathers to hold you together...or something to that affect...hell i think the alcohol is wearing off, time to replenish...