Always traveling/being transient

I used to think that there must be some good that would come out of all the bad that happened my freshman year of college. One of those “good” I had contemplated about was this sense that since I was officially on my own with only so much to go by, that I would be ok with the notion that I would have to travel frequently and move around frequently. I figured I couldn’t really go back to my grandma’s house anymore, it was falling apart and it was where my uncle had died, so I didn’t want to deal with that. After I had to move out of my freshman dorm, I moved into this garage apartment like 5 minutes from campus. It was great at first with the roommate I had even though the place wasn’t really meant for 2 people. I don’t know what happened along the way but that roommate situation just kinda dissolved/down hill and I actually had a lot of pent up passive aggression that I displayed instead of letting my roommate feel my complete wrath. So I had to get up out of that fast. Next I moved all the way to the Westside of town, like 30 minutes from school give or take to this apartment that was relatively in my budget and figured that since it was such a great steal. Well as the saying goes, things were too good to be true which ultimately led to my car being placed on concrete blocks as someone(s) took all 4 tires and my rims from my car. At the time, I had the same old factory rim and factory wheels that I didn’t think anyone would ever want to steal. How wrong I was. Of course it was no coincidence that I was out of that apartment complex fast. At the same time, I had already decide to transfer schools and get out of the city to literally start over because that whole year to year and half experiment of going to the area college in a big city while still trying to do engineering and working often to get by on my own just wasn’t cutting it. Now during this period of transition to the school next to the cow patty fields as I liked to call it, I was forever going back and forward between the apartments, storage, and the dorms. Oh yes, I made that great return to the dorms, but at least the dorms were in the form of 2 and 4 bedroom apartments, which made living on campus so much easier. For the most part, the 1st year at said new school in dorm was cool, even with the whole 4 roommates situation, except for one of the roommates who had a loud, weed smoking, loud music, stealing other people’s food issues. At least I kept the majority of my food and kitchen items in my bedroom (mini-fridge yall). The next 2 years I was on campus, living was cool. The only time I had problems was when I had to move out for the summer. Yeah that part sucked, especially since I was the main one who had to pack and unpack all my stuff, up and down stairs usually, driving back and forward to Houston, and so on forth. Timing was always the issue, especially when I had research opportunities to arise. In between holidays, the first couple of Christmas holidays I was on campus by myself, pretty scary at times, even out in the country, then a few road trips to Dallas and Beaumont and Austin in between. Yadda, yadda, yadda, fast forward to graduate school, similar situations except I just have to move much more frequently and quickly, which sucks, because I am getting older and lazier, and I just don’t’ have the same enthusiasm to pack up all my world belongings to the top of my car and just get on the road, moving to a place I know I am only going to be there for either 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or a year. And let me tell you, its much harder to want to always want to move when money is always tight (when hasn’t money been tight for me?) that’s part of a reason I wrestle a lot lately do I really want to stay in school for another 3 to 5 years to obtain a pHD (and most likely not where I am at for grad school now, ya dig?) or do I just want to start working now, settle somewhere for at least 3 to 5 years before going back to school? But professionals I have met have been telling me once I start making the good money; I doubt that I would want to go back to living like a pauper just to get another degree. Eh, well that’s what this summer is suppose to be about, letting me coming to terms of where I want to be, where I am going and how I am going to get there by next May. But it seems at the rate I am motivated to even want to get out of the bed and come to work at this internship, I may not be making those where to next decisions anytime soon. And I remember a time I used to be so obstinate in what I want to do with my life, it would take a 2 by 4, a lighter, and gaseous fumes to get me to change courses when it had came past time to do so.

Wowsers

Wowsers, I did not realize the gap from my last entry to now, and given how I manage to average about 15 posts a month thus far, I have a feeling I will miss my average target. This is fine and dandy with me, especially given how April seems to be in overdrive. Classes end officially next week, and finals are right around the corner, and I have been lucky to have classes in which the finals were in the form of presentations and papers, sans 1. But don't be fooled by that, I am learning that the hard way. But regardless, I had to cancel plans I had made like 2 weeks (2 weeks in advance mind you) last weekend for Easter weekend to fix that particular homework. What happened was I received back a homework assignment pretty darn late, and it made a pretty big impact in preventing me even starting the next homework assignment related to it (because of all those wonderful mistakes in it), and that next assignment was due the following week. To make matters worse, when I was actually considering saying f it and take off out of town, a pretty bad thunderstorm, with big bad winds, clouds, thunder and nearby tornadoes(as in next state over, but I take these things seriously, ok?) swept through the area,which all but made a mice out of me and made me stay in at the crib. Needless to say, the very next day, around 3:30pm, I went into my icebox (a.k.a. my lab office) and stayed there until 3:30am the next morning. As you can see, its not as if I had hot dates lined up to compensate for said stay in the lab. It was pretty cool, I got a lot work of done that I probably would not normally do on any other given weekend. (Correction, THAT I HAVE NEVER DONE SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN GRAD SCHOOL). Hopefully I will be able to maximize either my Saturday or Sunday with said diligence. I just always loved, since I have been in school (taking it back to even my elementary days) when it seemed that throughout the semester the workload had always been lightweight like a feather, and all of a sudden with a month of school left to go, all the elephants and wildebeests seem to come down the grassy plains to give me some very unnecessary headaches and stress. But I have been doing good, and I have been getting by ok, even though my hair has taken a beaten. I didn't realize how real my hair would get without having put any kind of chemical relaxers in my hair since the new year has been in play (and since November if you want to get all technical and stuff). I can't wait though until school is out for me, because then all I have to look forward to is packing like crazy and driving like crazy and turning around and getting ready for this summer internship. Ha, so this is what I signed up for eh? Its cool though, ya dig? Well its back to trying to refocus my mind to keep working for another 5 to 10 hours on this homework assignment that's actually due today that I just started on, like today. (That's how time consuming the last 2 homeworks I had for this same class has been for me.In addition, I have averaged being in a computer lab on this computer program for at least 8 hours everyday this week.)Wish me luck, and hopefully by the end of next week, I will be able to start winding down, in the form of eating less paper and porcupine quills, perhaps, you know?

My biggest challenge

I am only 24 years old, and up to this point, I guess you can say I have had my share of ups and catastrophic downs. I feel that over the past 5 years, I have grown and changed as a person (since I have been on my own, not by choice though). I had to change schools in order to get my bachelors degree, had to disengage from certain family members in order to stay sane, decided on stalling going to work in order to get more education and so forth. But I think the biggest change I have had to deal with is facing the issues I have with my weight and my health. For the most part, I have been blessed not be affected with any serious health ailments. But I worry everyday about having too high cholesterol and somehow an early onset of cardiovascular diseases and hypertension. This is mainly because those 2 diseases are prevalent on my mother’s side of the family. And by me not knowing anything about the side of the family of the sperm that created me, makes me worry at times even more what other health conditions I could be more inclined to getting. That’s why, after I had spent a summer in Purdue for this research program, to change the way I eat. And even though I have not reached all the health goals I am aiming for, I feel that I have at least started down the right path. I have been trying to eat more fruits and vegetables in my diet everyday, cut down on fast food, and cut down on other foods high in sugar and fat. I do admit that a weakness I still have is eating burritos, particularly from Chipotle, but I am working on it (as my budget tells me so). I have for the most part stopped eating pork, cut down on the amount of red meat I eat, make most of my dinners from this healthy living cookbook I bought, and eat more turkey (turkey lunchmeat, turkey bacon, turkey burgers etc). And I have been trying to feverishly and passionately cut down on the foods that contain high fructose corn syrup (that stuff is the devil, even if there isn’t anything substantive that validates my claims of the pure evilness of this stuff) I do think at times I may eat too much at a meal setting and when I do run out of the healthy food, either because of lack of funds or time at the moment, end up resorting to eating food in the food court or Chipotle like foods to get by until I do get back to the grocery store. (At least at my last 2 grocery runs, I have not bought or ended up buying 1 thing at the most that HFCS in it, yay me!) But the one thing I have not been able to incorporate on a consistent basis is exercising. I feel that for me to have productive workouts I have to workout 2 hours everyday at a rec center, walking a mile on an inclined treadmill, doing the elliptical, arc trainers and sometimes bike, while doing many reps of triceps press, biceps, pull down, shoulder and chest press. To me, this is the kind of workout I could, even though I have to admit I don’t know how to exactly keep the intensity up after my body becomes adjusted to the workouts that I create. But that is beside the point, my biggest issue since I have been in grad school is overcoming the mentality I get when I get to working out like I do. I feel when I workout like I do intensely, I feel that I am not putting enough time into studying, because I seem to clock out early at night than I would usually do. So when I have this workout regime, by time the middle of the semester hits, I already feel behind in my class work or the workload has increased ridiculously that I feel I have to sacrifice working out, taking breaks during the day, or even reading the news in order to feel as if I am being productive doing my homework. And when I let this mentality set in, I end up ceasing to workout for weeks at a time, until something forces me to go back to the gym until the next round of my schoolwork mentality kicks in (usually finals or conclusion of major projects). So what is going to force me back to the gym this week, even though I have a ton of work to do? Stepping on my digital scale today, I somehow gained 8 or 9 pounds from the last time I was on there. And I have no idea how that happened, and its pretty startling just because the amount I weight now, I would be labeled by some as very overweight. But then I have this particularly linebacker type built body since I was a kid, and I don’t know. The only part of my body I feel insecure about is from my stomach on up, because I stopped doing sit-ups and now my gut just pushed out and I have the flabbiest arms ever. I do know that once for all, I want to feel better with the way I look, and at least be heart and cholesterol healthy if I can’t just drop the pants and shirt sizes. I said all that to say-um-well…other than I am actually pretty insecure about my body, which is totally the opposite of how I usually act (which is usually without a care in a world) and that once and for all I want my upper body to be muscular and not flabby like my lower body is. I know it won’t happen overnight, and I have to fight the urges of wanting to spend money on fast food and/or eating out, and for me and most importantly, exercising everyday, even if I can’t get to a rec center to workout. I am thinking that for the summer coming up while I am my internship, I am going to be on a salad diet, like all summer and see what happens. Well, my journey continues in trying to revolutionize how I eat and how I exercise. Stay tuned and wish me luck.

Stubborn McGEE:

I am a very stubborn person, period. The heater could break down, my pen dries up, my computer goes out and the window in my office could break and let in wonderful rain and cold biting winds, but I tell you I wouldn’t leave until I finished a homework assignment. I used to think my stubbornness was really a measure of my never die and never quit attitude but I come to realize I was probably just being dumb back in my heyday. And the thing about it is, I rather do things the hard way and my way than change them up or try something different, or at least not right away. Oh well, when will I learn? Beats me but I learned a long time ago that things will never come easy for me, whether its school, life, finances, whatever. And I think this attitude that I have has let me enjoy knowing that I have to work for every single thing that I want for my life and not altering the path that I am trying to use to get there. I had a good talk last night with a good of friend of mine’s as I was telling him how I really felt about being in grad school where I am right now. Its been no secret with good friends of mine’s that I have for the most part very unhappy here since school started. Now I guess most people would quit or give up but see, I just plain refused to, no matter how much I complain, how bitter I become, how angry I can get or how frustrated I can become, its just not in my blood, not in my soul and not in my psyche. Of course depending on what I want to do with my life, I might have to go back to the drawing board but hey, the lofty goals I set for myself got to get achieved somehow. And it means that after I get my first master’s, I have to goto an entirely different school, retake some of the classes I have taken here to get a 2nd master’s in what I really want to do, then so be it. I have not come all the way, this far, to be deterred and not encouraged to go after the dreams I want. So see, I suppose me being a stubborn McGee really can come in handy. Especially to help me to get through the rest of my time here.c

That Day of Pure Frustration

Today, I was into day 4 of trying to finish this homework assignment that was actually due yesterday. But as I have been working on it since Sunday, I have felt so frustrated because it’s like homework in one of the few subjects I could care less about-economics. Now I know that is a wrong attitude, since particularly everything as a way of living as we understand it is in part due to economics. I am lost as to why economics has never caught to me like other subjects I enjoy (math, history, geography, political science, engineering, chemistry). But it’s more than just that, I feel like I am not getting the most currently from my graduate education. Now whether its I feel burned out, or feel there is no direction in terms of my research, or just feeling out of place in the first place, I feel like my time can be better doing something else. I dread when I wake up in the morning and knowing that I either have to go to the lab today or go to classes. I feel the classes I have enrolled leave me feeling a bit lackluster, I feel I am just being stringed along with my research group and I feel as if I have nothing to contribute here. I am constantly questioning my aptitude because of the degree of difficulty and lack of progress I make in some of my classes. For the first time in my life, I feel lost and directionless being here. I thought graduate school was supposed to make you feel more scholarly and worldly. I feel as if I am regressing in the skills I possess and the brain cells to enlarge my think capacity. Oh it makes me feel so depressed day in and day out, like why I am torturing myself? The only thing that keeps me company around here is listening to old school music (at the moment it’s Earth, Wind, and Fire). And even though I have reached out to people(students, staff, faculty), I still feel so isolated and alone, which is crazy because I am used to living in solitude at this point, but to be surrounded by all kinds of people at an institution such as this, just doesn’t make sense to me. And to think I have another of year this to put up with. I wish something would happen, some kind of epiphany that will just turn around how I feel, how I learn, how I do research, and just change the plain way how I feel day in and day out.

Whispers in the abyss

So I have these whispers of doubts within myself internally and I know I shouldn’t have but I just do. Its in regards to how since I have been in graduate school, I haven’t really passed any tests, quizzes or major assignments with A’s and B’s. It has been mostly on the lines of C’s, D’s, and F’s, and its just so deflating because it makes me feel so deflated, like I don’t belong here or that there is something wrong with me. It’s almost like being back at the first college I went to my first two years of college. I did fine my first semester, and then I had these tragic family incidences that warped and turn my world upside down and I begin down this slippery slope of failing and struggling in a lot of my engineering classes until I finally decided to transfer to another school (where I ultimately got my bachelor’s degree). It’s like déjà vu, except this time around, I don’t really have any tragic incidences that is preventing me from being successful where I am at. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it makes me doubt my intelligence, my desire to learn, my spirit to be curious. I feel as if there is something about this school that is stifling me. I don’t know what it is, but I wish I knew so I could face it head on and take it out. But until then, I guess I will continue to be disappointed at the grades I earned while in graduate school and continue on this trail of wondering what is internally wrong with me. Its very frustrating because of how I feel being a minority in a program taking classes that had nothing to do with what I did as an undergrad and spending ridiculous amounts of time playing catch-up in classes by going back and researching and surfing and reading up to 4 or 5 subjects at a time per class I take (I average 3 classes a semester thus far) plus seeking a lot of help (especially in one of these classes I took last semester almost every other day with the professor). And I feel the said pattern is on assignments and take-home tests I put my blood, sweat, and tears to I fail worse than on said assignments in which I did not try or just did not care about. Its almost as if by me coming into the program I have came in, I am just simply setting myself up for failure. Now don’t get me wrong, I won't stop nor do I mind doing what I am doing in terms of researching and studying extra materials for classes but its like wow for me. I am also concern that it seems that I was successful at the school I transferred to which is an HBCU, and yet the first school I went to the engineering program was majority institution and now the school I am attending for graduate school is also majority institution. Does this mean that perhaps I am not cut out for these types of schools? That certainly can’t be a fact or a terrible notion to even entertain. So then why I am struggling so much academically, (and heck spiritually, socially, physically, and emotionally) at this school I am at now?Is it the school or is it me?