Always traveling/being transient

I used to think that there must be some good that would come out of all the bad that happened my freshman year of college. One of those “good” I had contemplated about was this sense that since I was officially on my own with only so much to go by, that I would be ok with the notion that I would have to travel frequently and move around frequently. I figured I couldn’t really go back to my grandma’s house anymore, it was falling apart and it was where my uncle had died, so I didn’t want to deal with that. After I had to move out of my freshman dorm, I moved into this garage apartment like 5 minutes from campus. It was great at first with the roommate I had even though the place wasn’t really meant for 2 people. I don’t know what happened along the way but that roommate situation just kinda dissolved/down hill and I actually had a lot of pent up passive aggression that I displayed instead of letting my roommate feel my complete wrath. So I had to get up out of that fast. Next I moved all the way to the Westside of town, like 30 minutes from school give or take to this apartment that was relatively in my budget and figured that since it was such a great steal. Well as the saying goes, things were too good to be true which ultimately led to my car being placed on concrete blocks as someone(s) took all 4 tires and my rims from my car. At the time, I had the same old factory rim and factory wheels that I didn’t think anyone would ever want to steal. How wrong I was. Of course it was no coincidence that I was out of that apartment complex fast. At the same time, I had already decide to transfer schools and get out of the city to literally start over because that whole year to year and half experiment of going to the area college in a big city while still trying to do engineering and working often to get by on my own just wasn’t cutting it. Now during this period of transition to the school next to the cow patty fields as I liked to call it, I was forever going back and forward between the apartments, storage, and the dorms. Oh yes, I made that great return to the dorms, but at least the dorms were in the form of 2 and 4 bedroom apartments, which made living on campus so much easier. For the most part, the 1st year at said new school in dorm was cool, even with the whole 4 roommates situation, except for one of the roommates who had a loud, weed smoking, loud music, stealing other people’s food issues. At least I kept the majority of my food and kitchen items in my bedroom (mini-fridge yall). The next 2 years I was on campus, living was cool. The only time I had problems was when I had to move out for the summer. Yeah that part sucked, especially since I was the main one who had to pack and unpack all my stuff, up and down stairs usually, driving back and forward to Houston, and so on forth. Timing was always the issue, especially when I had research opportunities to arise. In between holidays, the first couple of Christmas holidays I was on campus by myself, pretty scary at times, even out in the country, then a few road trips to Dallas and Beaumont and Austin in between. Yadda, yadda, yadda, fast forward to graduate school, similar situations except I just have to move much more frequently and quickly, which sucks, because I am getting older and lazier, and I just don’t’ have the same enthusiasm to pack up all my world belongings to the top of my car and just get on the road, moving to a place I know I am only going to be there for either 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or a year. And let me tell you, its much harder to want to always want to move when money is always tight (when hasn’t money been tight for me?) that’s part of a reason I wrestle a lot lately do I really want to stay in school for another 3 to 5 years to obtain a pHD (and most likely not where I am at for grad school now, ya dig?) or do I just want to start working now, settle somewhere for at least 3 to 5 years before going back to school? But professionals I have met have been telling me once I start making the good money; I doubt that I would want to go back to living like a pauper just to get another degree. Eh, well that’s what this summer is suppose to be about, letting me coming to terms of where I want to be, where I am going and how I am going to get there by next May. But it seems at the rate I am motivated to even want to get out of the bed and come to work at this internship, I may not be making those where to next decisions anytime soon. And I remember a time I used to be so obstinate in what I want to do with my life, it would take a 2 by 4, a lighter, and gaseous fumes to get me to change courses when it had came past time to do so.

ok ok ok

So, as I sit in my on campus apartment watching the National Championship game, I realized that since its already past 11pm, I won't be going back to studying since I am trying to watch the game. Then I am still debating should I make my way over to Franklin Street for the excessive and hyperactive celebrations that will be going on after the game. Naw prolly not, I really am allergic to large crowds and the ignorance that can erupt at any moment. Its amazing how I did not lose my cool whatsoever while I was at the inauguration in January. I think if it wasn't for the fact that I was with my good friends, soror sisters, and honorary member, I would have been ready to go self-implode. So I said all that to say, I had a thought for my next blog topic, but my eyelids would not permit me to write it. So here goes tonight latest personal a-la-personal tat. I have never had a preference for guys, well any kind of explicit preference. This has been the case with the type of guys I have liked or fooled around with over the years. I don't know if it makes a difference whether there are certain defined qualities one would look for in a mate. I figure with some of my acquaintances, they would go for certain looks, certain lifestyle, or certain monetary attachments. But that never has been me. I think that my eclectic taste in men would have something to do with why I have issues with men as it is. I mean in general I go for black men and sometimes hispanic men(well just mainly Dominican, Puerto Rican from time to time, some others from time to time). I really don't have a height requirement, I realized that damn near any guy I meet over 95% of the time is going to be taller than me (I'm only 5'3). I seem to be a sucker for guys that wears glasses, I guess it just flashes intelligence to me (even though I know that's always the case). I also seem to like physics majors, ha go figure. I also have a tendency to be attracted to younger guys at this point or guys no older than 5 years than I am. So its like my cutoff period is 21-29 (maybe an exception for a 20 or a 30 year old). I remember this 34 year old man was trying to holla at me, the age thing bothered me from the get go but his stalker like tendencies even freaked me out even more. I also tend to gravitate to light skinned brothers, seems to be my Achilles heel at times (but don't think all the time), but even that doesn't trip me out too much. I do wonder why I seem to have a particular inkling for younger guys. Is it some kind of time warp I am stuck in, is it I really didn't realize the guy age, I was too busy oogling, or do my eyes really be playing tricks on me and people aren't quite as they seem? I blame that on the foods we eat with that last question about people not seeming to be quite who you thought they would be. But I will save that for another day. Well, the game is almost over, time for me to decide to go out and wonder about or just chill...

April Showers, Fools and I.D. Card part 2...

Picking up from part 1, so I am at the library, all the way on the top freaking floor going on a book safari for these books I needed for my research paper. I had a few of those back and forward moments looking for all the books because I didn't realize that the different call numbers on these books were all located on the same floor. So after obtaining all the books I needed, I proceeded to hop on back to the elevator, with books in one hand, backpack on thy shoulders and my student I.D. card in my other hand, ready to head to the circulation desk to checkout my latest books I found. While I was on the elevator heading down, I realized that the ride down was smooth (no one got on or off, no random elevator noises). So because of this smoothness, I started singing in the elevator (mind you it was just me), I believe I was singing “Here with Me” by Dido because that is one of my favorite songs to listen and sing to. So as the elevator stops on the 1st floor, I collect myself, and proceeded to get off the elevator. Some reason, I had to look out the elevator with caution, and as soon as I felt that all systems were a-go, I started to walk out of the elevator. But apparently the elevator either thought I was being too cautious getting off of it or it was in a bad mood or that the elevator doors just felt like hitting me. So yeah, the elevator door hits my left hand, which happen to hold my i.d. card, and next thing I knew, my i.d. card was out of my hands, apparently when the card fell, it fell in the gap in which the elevator door opens and closes along, and I could hear my i.d. card as it went down, echoing down the elevator shaft, singing to me (and I kid you not) "Bye, Bye, Bye" by N-Sync. I had this utter look of surprise, what the fuck and shitting bricks occurring all simultaneously. I could not believe what just happened with the elevator and what did to me and my student i.d. card. Realizing now that Houston we may have a problem, I had to go up to the circulation desk (Because that was the only way I was going to be able to check out these books)and ask for help. So I told the lady at the circulation desk what happened and she grabbed some keys and went to head to the basement to see if she could my i.d. card. So as she was gone, my mind was temporarily blank, to put it nicely. When she came back, she told me that the card probably ended up on the sub-sub-sub basement in the building and that they had no way of getting to it. (I was like shit). So she told me I am probably going to need to get an I.D. card, but that I could check out the library books by just showing another picture i.d. Well, because of my paranoia of losing my license/wallet really, I didn't have it on me, so I had to trek 2 buses back to my apartment to get my driver's license and trek another buses back to the library. I was able to get my library books, but in the midst of me getting back and forward, I realized that the building where my office is at automatically after 7pm (and it was already past 7pm) and that I needed card access to get to the floor my office is on. So I was like dammit, so first I had to trek back to my apartment and eat because my body was telling me that you might want to eat again, it’s been 12 hours already. After I ate, I was debating whether to take a chance to trek to my office, pray that the security guard was actually on duty, and use my infectious smile in hopes they would let me in. But in the long run, I decided to stay at the crib, read the books I had checked out for my research and jot some notes. But unfortunately, about 20 minutes later, I was knocked out on the couch, asleep. I had to go on ahead and call it a night at 10:30pm last night. But at least I woke up at 6am this morning to get the day going by getting my i.d. card replaced. (which is another side funny story in itself that I will save for a little later)

April Showers, Fools, and blasted I.D. Card-part 1

I had one of those "Ain't that a b^&%*" moments yesterday afternoon and through the evening. So the day got kicked off by me debating should I goto the weekly seminar series hosted by my department or go meet with the fellowship representative who happen to be on campus on yesterday over at the graduate center. Even though I actually wanted to go see this particular environmental law professor speak, I knew I had to go meet the representative from my fellowship consortium, cause you know, they are paying my way to be here (i.e. THEY ARE THE ONLY REASON WHY I EVEN HAVE FUNDING FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL!). SO I went, and she was there, along with the diversity coordinator for the graduate school and the student affairs rep. So essentially, the conversation was initially about protocol, paperwork, tuition and stipend being paid and so forth. And for some reason, I felt I had to give the people there a "Let me tell how I really feel" dialogue. I don't know what possessed me, but it seemed as if something in my mind was telling me its time to open up and express how I have felt thus far at this institution during my first year of grad school. And I tell you, I didn't realize how easy it would be for me to open up about my frustrations and growing sense (at times) of apathy for the institution, the department, and my program in general. Everyone seem to have this look upon their faces of wow, I did not know that was how you really felt. Now the diversity coordinator, I had talked to him on several occasions of certain incidents that occurred and he offered me advice. I hadn't told him of all the "wonderful" events that happened to me this semester. Needless to say, they were telling me that I should not feel apathetic, I should be receiving better mentoring from my adviser, that I should probably have some kind of definitive research topic by now and other things I brought up. Long story short, I have felt so much better, so much opened, so much, like my old me, that I had repressed in some way since I have been here.

It felt gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!!!! Anyway, so after that meeting, I headed to my research lab, and proceeded to get to work on this research paper for one of my classes that I got to get done. Then when it got closer to 5pm, I headed off to the soccer fields because I had an intramural softball game. Of course for a second Wednesday in a roll, the weather was just downright dreary and wicked with light sprinkles of raindrops. I was not totally a happy camper because I just washed my hair the night before and usually am not a big fan of getting wet because normally I get sick afterward. So I get to the softball fields, started throwing around with one of my teammates, ready to play,when we found out that we didn't have a game because one of the teams had been consistently forfeiting. So we ended up scrimmaging with each other, and I had a great time because I was catching pop-ups, and fielding good and throwing even relatively well. I miss playing softball, a lot. So after the scrimmaging and someone helping me get my softball back after it was hit into the construction site next to the fields, I proceeded to head to the main library on campus to check out books for my research paper. And let the adventure begin...

status messages

But on a lesser note today, since I refuse to get into this whole twitter phenomena, I still use Facebook statuses as my way (when I do create status messages) to relay how I am feeling at the moment. For a while now, I have realized the evils of posting all personal content about yourself on Facebook (and others too, i.e. Myspace), especially since companies were starting to use Facebook as a “pimping tool”, I mean a screening tool to take a look at potential candidates that they were really considering hiring. So for the most part, I took down the truthful stuff about myself and kept the basics. If you can’t get a 1% idea of who I am from my quotations, political views and religious views then perhaps one is the wrong business of trying to figure out the psyche and character of people. Not too long ago, I decided to do an update status which when a little something like this:

{redacted} is redefining her short, mid and long term goals as a result from events over the last couple of months...I will get to where I want to go...

When I wrote this, I was taking a mini-break from working on my current assignment to look into doctoral programs and what I wrote in my doctoral program and what research I want to engaged in. in a sense I was redefining what I wanted to do academically because I certainly have not felt (can you tell my the posts I have done?) I was getting mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically what I had so worked hard for (just to be able to get into graduate school in the first place). I have refrained (quite amazingly too) from expressing how I really feel because the choice of language may prove too colorful to some. I said what I wrote in my status message because one of the main things I have learned since the middle of my freshman year of college is that shit happens, life happens and how you bounce back from that depends on how you are able to adapt and pick yourself off the ground after being knocked down in the 12th round of a boxing match. I admit I used to be a very stubborn woman (I think it runs deeply in my family, at least on my mother’s side that I know of) who did not like to change too much. Some of it had to do with the fact that my life was changing so quickly and grief and shock and sadness was just coming from all angles all over the place and that is a pretty scary thing to deal with at the age of 19. So as I have gotten a little older and a little wiser, I have learned that I have to be able to be more fluid than ever, especially given the instability and unpredictability of what’s going on in the world today. So as I say this, I have always been pretty good setting and meeting short and mid-range goals. I believe I have taken steps up to this point to get myself in place to meet all of my long term goals. I am not quite there yet but I have learned that as I grow my goals and life and accomplishments that I set out to do will change as I live day to day. But I refuse to have any of my goals compromised as a result of what others tend to impose upon me; I just do NOT get down like that. So even though I have vented, vocalized, and expressed some pretty vicious statements of my current state as a graduate student, please realize that it was not a sign that I was giving up anytime soon. As a matter of fact I am more resolved than ever, I am just using this blog as one means to release outwardly how I feel inwardly that I work hard not to express too vocally around here. (I still need recommendations from certain folks here, ya know?)

This Whole studying thing

So as another weekend comes and goes, i find myself not studying as usual, which normally wouldn't be any reason to ring the alarms, but i just happen to be in graduate school. I managed to survive my first semester last semester and I thought I was going to stress myself right out. So this semester I DECIDED to do things my way, which is the only way that keep same in the membrane. This includes working out ridiculously at set times during the day. I felt as if I had no energy whatsoever to get through the day. I felt like blah every day I had to wake up and goto classes or go into the lab or anything of that nature. So I had to get through my stubborn mind that I can't be any good if I am always feeling drained and depressed and desolate. Next step, get out more, even if it means I have to goto events/places/locales by myself-especially if those locales were meant to be done with friends. I am going to try to smile more and come off more approachable, I have been told that the impression people have of me when they first meet me is one of being a diabolical "insert expression for female dog". Now I find this quite laughable because I am the opposite of what people's first impressions are of me. What can I say? I guess it means that people prescribe to reading the picture illustrated on the front of the book instead of trying to read the words on the front cover of the book, let alone whats contained inside the book.

I guess the point of all that before the slightest of divergence was that overall I learned during my first semester of graduate school I went about everything the wrong way. Instead of trying to adapt to people that are not like, I should have been doing everything I can to get people to adapt to me. I am not like most people, I knew this since I was about 4 years old. So I will study more this semester, but much more effectively and at much of a satisfied position than before. I will be more social than I was before, even it means I have to hang with undergraduates at the school I goto and with different people at different schools within a 50 mile radius (there is a lot of colleges and universities in the area, let alone in this state). Hey I know I am unique and I have my quirks and whims that does not prescribe to anything mainstream, and I will not waste my time around people or entities who only see people in a box.

The Very First of the Randomness Rumblings of a Rowdy Roo...

ok i don't know what is up with the alliteration just now, but i figured i had some r's that i needed to play with...so this is my first blog/entry/confession/opening myself and business to online larkers...ok well enough of all that...so at first i was going to make my blog related to relationships and experiences on that road, but then i realized that i have so much to offer than that... i have so many words and at times i think not of enough time or space to ink them, whether with a pen or the keystroke...ok so i didn't realize how much of virgin i was when it came to sprucing up your blog page but i am...damn...so its about 1am my time right now, and i am just hoping that this mixture of grape juice and vodka in my system will run its course. i of all people should realize that texting/typing/writing while semi-inebriated is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaddd idea

so tonight's escapade brought me to texting this guy that i had been interesting for a minute. i like to think we are pretty cool, well i finally worked up the nerve to ask him about his past gf and stuff like that and he was pretty responsive, then he caught me from left field by asking why was so interested to know this stuff about him? now i wasn't sure he was asking cause he really wanted to know and he was being sincere, if he wanted some type of confirmation of some suspicion that i may have liked him or what but needless to say still waiting on that response...go figure...
and thats usually the way it goes when it comes to me and the opposite sex...get to know him, he gets to know me, we become cool, for some reason i start developing feelings for him, try to slyly and subtly work my way in only to be shot down like the tale in mythology of flying to close to sun with the makeshift feathers to hold you together...or something to that affect...hell i think the alcohol is wearing off, time to replenish...