This is How I feel Day in And day Out

So I am taking a brief respite in order to put down these thoughts that have been constantly racing through my mind today: I am so unhappy where I am right now. At first, when I was struggling in my classes, I thought it had something to do with me just not having the background necessary for the classes I just happened to throw myself in. but then I would go into my research office expecting something that hasn’t quite transpired yet. And then I realize I feel like a ghost at this campus because of my age, too young for most of the constituents in graduate school or too old for the most part for the overall constituency at this campus in general (you know you getting old when kids born in 1990 are now invading college campuses where you attend school at, uh-oh). Needless to say, I feel lost being here, and let me tell you the last time I felt lost and drifting-the day my uncle died. When he died, I felt my whole word stopped moving and begin to move like a fly stuck in molasses. I really believe it took me a year of grieving and a transfer of schools to get back on track. But now I ponder that the energy and enthusiasm for all things scholarly have permanently (or least semi-permanently) taking a back seat. I feel a lot lately that I spent so much time trying to prove to myself (and on a lesser scale to cats who did not think I could do engineering) that I can do engineering, that I am just as capable and bright as the next privileged fellow. I spent countless hours of studying, sacrificed really getting involved in clubs and organizations and literally put myself out in the middle of a cow pasture in order to succeed. I cut ties to family members whether they did or did not have my best interests at heart and pretty much stopped talking to classmates I was relatively cool with and/or close with from high school because I felt they could not relate to the pain I was in every single day my freshman year. And putting all that energy in has awarded me a bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering, the opportunity to obtain a full ride in environmental engineering in graduate school and the chance to get out of Texas. Sadly, after my uncle and grandmother died (and heck even my mother who played about a 0.000001% role in my upbringing) I felt that there was nothing left for me in Texas. My dream, whether naive knowing my uncle and grandmother delicate health situation since I was a kid was to go to school, graduate, get a great job, make lots of money to take care of them so they wouldn’t have to depend on Social Security and disability checks to get by only month to month and basically take them to Hawaii to spend their relaxing days (especially my uncle who was stationed in Hawaii when he was a marine during Vietnam). But now its 2009, and I feel drained. It’s a struggle every single day for me to wake up, get out of bed, and be productive and sustain in this college town. I have a hard time focusing on studying, and there are even days where I don’t just want to read anything academically related. And that is a scary thought for me because I love to read, read, read. But now its not even fun for me anymore to read academic journals, textbooks, scientific articles or notes; and its like what the hell, this is only my second semester of grad school in a master’s program. And I am thinking to myself, well hell if you feel like this now, why are you still hell bent obtaining a PhD? I hesitated to tell any of my close friends about how I really feel day in and day out because I am pretty sure they would tell me I am being a whiner and I need to suck it up and stop complaining cause I got a full ride to graduate school. And I understand that perfectly clear, but it’s something about this place that just sucks the life out of you. I wish I could pin point what it is but I can’t.
(Classic and current example of how I feel: I have been trying to reread this same paper that summarizes about interpretation of recorded data related to climate change, and this is day 4 of me trying to get through this paper. The content of the paper is not difficult to comprehend, it’s just my mind is doing a hell of a job of blocking the sensors in my brain from absorbing and storing the information that is necessary for this one particular class. Now take that and multiply that by 4 and that is how I feel in all my classes and research. It just makes me want to turn on the faucets in my eyes everyday because I feel inferior day in and day out and a failure because I am not getting the material. Oh well, I guess its back to attempt number 5 of reading this paper. Hopefully I can finally catch up in reading for this class by tomorrow’s lecture, even though I seriously doubt it. I will prolly have to seek refuge in the rec center in a couple of hours from now, at least I won’t be tempted to continue to overeat or consume any vodka tonight.)